Quotes by American Comedian Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. Mitch Hedberg

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later. Mitch Hedberg

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. Mitch Hedberg

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down. Mitch Hedberg
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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. Mitch Hedberg

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. Mitch Hedberg

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. Mitch Hedberg

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? Mitch Hedberg

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? Mitch Hedberg

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero? Mitch Hedberg

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! Mitch Hedberg

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show. Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. Mitch Hedberg

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something. Mitch Hedberg
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall. Mitch Hedberg

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. Mitch Hedberg
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All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. Mitch Hedberg
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Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. Mitch Hedberg
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