Quotes by American Comedian Tim Allen

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. Tim Allen

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. Tim Allen

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom. Tim Allen

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me. Tim Allen

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. Tim Allen
  • Share
  • #car

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously. Tim Allen
  • Share
  • #act

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon. Tim Allen
  • Share
  • #cars

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison. Tim Allen

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything. Tim Allen
  • Share
  • #bad


Tim Allen's favourite quotes topics
MomEndDecidedComedyAwaiting

authors similar to Tim Allen
Josh Billings
112 quotes
Groucho Marx
97 quotes
Steven Wright
96 quotes
James Thurber
84 quotes

Popular quote topics


Quote
Loading ...