1. 10

    I started writing when I was twenty, and my first book came out seventeen years later.

    16
  2. 9

    A week after my drugs ran out, I left my bed to perform at the college, deciding at the last minute to skip both the doughnut toss and the march of the headless plush toys. Instead, I just heated up a skillet of plastic soldiers, poured a milkshake over my head and called it a night.

    18
  3. 8

    It was my friend Frank, a writer in San Francisco, who finally set me straight. When asked about my new look he put down his fork and stared at me for a few moments. "A bow tie announces to the world you can no longer get an erection."

    18
  4. 7

    When asked "What do we need to learn this for?" any high-school teacher can confidently answer that, regardless of the subject, the knowledge will come in handy once the student hits middle age and starts working crossword puzzles in order to stave off the terrible loneliness.

    21
  5. 6

    All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints.

    26
  6. 5

    There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows.

    32
  7. 4

    A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things to look at.

    42
  8. 3

    Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings.

    58
  9. 2

    The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day.

    78
  10. 1

    After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.

    82
  11. Last Update: 20 June 2021

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