1. 10

    When most people return from Europe, they tell tales of all the sites they saw, the shopping, the entertainment, etc. Jews, on the other hand, return and say I had this slice of cake in Austria, let me tell you, I don't know how they make it! It was great!

    28
  2. 9

    I'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, Give me a gun, I'll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes. He said, You're crazy! I said, Write it down!

    33
  3. 8

    My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

    34
  4. 7

    On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.

    35
  5. 6

    I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

    39
  6. 5

    Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

    46
  7. 4

    It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

    47
  8. 3

    Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

    51
  9. 2

    Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

    82
  10. 1

    Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

    187
  11. Last Update: 6 February 2023

View the rest 74 Jackie Mason sayings