1. 10

    I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

  2. 9

    I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

  3. 8

    Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

  4. 7

    Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

  5. 6

    Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?

  6. 5

    I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

  7. 4

    I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

  8. 3

    We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

  9. 2

    There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

  10. 1

    You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

  11. Last Update: 20 June 2021

View the rest 494 Jon Stewart sayings