1. 10

    I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

    54
  2. 9

    I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

    59
  3. 8

    Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

    62
  4. 7

    Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

    63
  5. 6

    Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?

    64
  6. 5

    I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

    66
  7. 4

    I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

    78
  8. 3

    We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

    80
  9. 2

    There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

    84
  10. 1

    You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

    350
  11. Last Update: 20 June 2021

View the rest 494 Jon Stewart sayings