1. 10

    Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

    93
  2. 9

    My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

    94
  3. 8

    Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

    94
  4. 7

    I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

    97
  5. 6

    I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

    100
  6. 5

    I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

    108
  7. 4

    A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

    120
  8. 3

    I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.

    127
  9. 2

    I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

    145
  10. 1

    My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

    145
  11. Last Update: 6 February 2023

View the rest 374 Mitch Hedberg sayings