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Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.
No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke.
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone.
No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer.
If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
Think of a person of average intelligence, and then realise half of the fucking country is more stupid than that idiot.
There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
I'd rather regret the things I have done than the things that I haven't.
Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. Your really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
The family you come from isn't as important as the family you're going to have.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
I have always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
Don't mistake pleasure for happiness. They are a different breed of dogs.
If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
It is better to risk starving to death then surrender. If you give up on your dreams, what's left?
What's another word for Thesaurus?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.
Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.
There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his way.
Some folks are wise and some otherwise.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
