Comedian Quotes

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

As you get older three things happen.

The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.

And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.

After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.

Love is man's natural endowment, but he doesn't know how to use it.

He refuses to recognize the power of love because of his love of power.

Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said: 'We don't serve colored people here.' "I said: 'that's all right, I don't eat colored people. Bring me a whole fried chicken.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Laughter is the fireworks of the soul.

Be kind to unkind people. They need it the most.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

One of the things I keep learning is that the secret of being happy is doing things for other people.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Education means to bring out wisdom. Indoctrination means to push in knowledge.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Don't just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.

I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

Every night when I go out on stage, there's always one nagging fear in the back of my mind. I'm always afraid that somewhere out there, there is one person in the audience that I'm not going to offend!

Poor is a state of mind you never grow out of, but being broke is just a temporary condition.

In America, with all of its evils and faults, you can still reach through the forest and see the sun. But we don't know yet whether that sun is rising or setting for our country.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

You attract the right things when you have a sense of who you are.

The only good thing about the good old days is they're gone.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut.

I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend.

Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

Great people do things before they're ready.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore.

When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.

Love yourself first and everything else falls into line.

Your really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.

It's a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you're ready.

I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now. And you may as well do it now. Generally speaking, now is as good a time as any.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident.

Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think.

I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit?

Women say they want a man who knows what a woman's worth. That's a pimp.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

There's power in looking silly and not caring that you do.

No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.