Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.
Love yourself first and everything else falls into line.
Your really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.
No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke.
I'd rather regret the things I have done than the things that I haven't.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Don't just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.
Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone.
I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer.
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
Be kind to unkind people. They need it the most.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
Think of a person of average intelligence, and then realise half of the fucking country is more stupid than that idiot.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
Don't mistake pleasure for happiness. They are a different breed of dogs.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
The family you come from isn't as important as the family you're going to have.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
I have always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
It is better to risk starving to death then surrender. If you give up on your dreams, what's left?
If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.
You attract the right things when you have a sense of who you are.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.
I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.
Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing.
Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
Great people do things before they're ready.
My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his way.
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.
Some folks are wise and some otherwise.
I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.