comedian Quotes

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

George Carlin

• 321
• people

I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.

Robin Williams

• 261
• people

Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. Your really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.

Lucille Ball

• 206
• inspirational

No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke.

George Carlin

• 200
• laugh

I'd rather regret the things I have done than the things that I haven't.

Lucille Ball

• 183
• Regret

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

George Carlin

• 170
• america

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

Milton Berle

• 170
• opportunity

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone.

Bill Cosby

• 159
• success

No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.

Robin Williams

• 157
• change

I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer.

Jim Carrey

• 147
• inspirational

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

Groucho Marx

• 109
• fun

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.

Kevin James

• 105
• funny

Think of a person of average intelligence, and then realise half of the fucking country is more stupid than that idiot.

George Carlin

• 104
• intelligence

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

• 90
• funny

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Groucho Marx

• 82
• life

The family you come from isn't as important as the family you're going to have.

Ring Lardner

• 80
• Family

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

George Carlin

• 78
• humor

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

George Carlin

• 76
• dance

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness.

James Thurber

• 75
• Anger

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Steven Wright

• 70
• funny

I have always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

Bob Hope

• 68
• time

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Joan Rivers

• 65
• funny

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Jerry Seinfeld

• 63
• books

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Tim Allen

• 63
• funny

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

George Carlin

• 59
• funny

Don't mistake pleasure for happiness. They are a different breed of dogs.

Josh Billings

• 59
• Pleasure

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

P. J. O'Rourke

• 57
• funny

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Steven Wright

• 54
• funny

If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.

Bill Maher

• 52
• people

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

George Carlin

• 52
• moon

Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing.

David Letterman

• 52
• actions

It is better to risk starving to death then surrender. If you give up on your dreams, what's left?

Jim Carrey

• 50
• wisdom

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

George Burns

• 49
• Future

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.

Bill Cosby

• 47
• blows

When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.

Jane Wagner

• 45
• funny

There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.

Josh Billings

• 45
• Exaggeration

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

Joan Rivers

• 43
• beds

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone.

Bill Cosby

• 42
• inspirational

My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.

Jim Carrey

• 42
• focus

Some folks are wise and some otherwise.

Josh Billings

• 40
• Wisdom

The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his way.

Josh Billings

• 40
• Fools

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

Demetri Martin

• 39
• funny

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

W. C. Fields

• 39
• equality

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Steven Wright

• 38
• amnesia

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

Jerry Lewis

• 37
• funny

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Jerry Seinfeld

• 36
• quotes

Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

George Carlin

• 31
• stupidity

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Steven Wright

• 31
• funny

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.

George Burns

• 30
• Passion

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

Joe E. Lewis

• 29
• Animals