comedian Quotes

Quotes from famous comedians


popular comedians
Josh Billings 112 quotes
Groucho Marx 97 quotes
Steven Wright 96 quotes
James Thurber 84 quotes

P. J. O'Rourke

66 quotes

George Carlin

52 quotes

Jim Carrey

50 quotes

Mitch Hedberg

49 quotes

Henny Youngman

47 quotes

George Burns

45 quotes

W. C. Fields

45 quotes

Robert Benchley

44 quotes

Paul Lynde

39 quotes

Don Rickles

39 quotes

Quotes and sayings from famous comedians
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. George Carlin, comedian

I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone. Robin Williams, comedian

No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke. George Carlin, comedian

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. Milton Berle, comedian

No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world. Robin Williams, comedian


That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin, comedian

I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer. Jim Carrey, comedian

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong. Groucho Marx, comedian
  • Share
  • #fun

Think of a person of average intelligence, and then realise half of the fucking country is more stupid than that idiot. George Carlin, comedian

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. Kevin James, comedian

I'd rather regret the things I have done than the things that I haven't. Lucille Ball, comedian

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is to try to please everyone. Bill Cosby, comedian

Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. Your really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world. Lucille Ball, comedian

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg, comedian

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Groucho Marx, comedian
  • Share
  • #life

The family you come from isn't as important as the family you're going to have. Ring Lardner, comedian

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept. George Carlin, comedian

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness. James Thurber, comedian

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. George Carlin, comedian

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers, comedian

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. Tim Allen, comedian

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright, comedian

I have always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there. Bob Hope, comedian
  • Share
  • #time

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin, comedian

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. P. J. O'Rourke, comedian

If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone. Bill Maher, comedian

Don't mistake pleasure for happiness. They are a different breed of dogs. Josh Billings, comedian

It is better to risk starving to death then surrender. If you give up on your dreams, what's left? Jim Carrey, comedian

What's another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright, comedian

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. George Carlin, comedian
  • Share
  • #moon

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld, comedian

Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it. Bill Cosby, comedian

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life. George Burns, comedian

There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying. Josh Billings, comedian

When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic. Jane Wagner, comedian

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds. Joan Rivers, comedian
  • Share
  • #beds

My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh. Jim Carrey, comedian

The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his way. Josh Billings, comedian

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone. Bill Cosby, comedian

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' Demetri Martin, comedian

Some folks are wise and some otherwise. Josh Billings, comedian

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. Jerry Seinfeld, comedian
  • Share

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands. Jerry Lewis, comedian

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. Steven Wright, comedian

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. W. C. Fields, comedian

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink. Joe E. Lewis, comedian

Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience. George Carlin, comedian

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. George Carlin, comedian

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate. George Burns, comedian

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield, comedian


Quote
Loading ...