Comedian Quotes

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

As you get older three things happen.

The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.

Love is man's natural endowment, but he doesn't know how to use it.

He refuses to recognize the power of love because of his love of power.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Be kind to unkind people. They need it the most.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.

No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

One of the things I keep learning is that the secret of being happy is doing things for other people.

Every night when I go out on stage, there's always one nagging fear in the back of my mind. I'm always afraid that somewhere out there, there is one person in the audience that I'm not going to offend!

In America, with all of its evils and faults, you can still reach through the forest and see the sun. But we don't know yet whether that sun is rising or setting for our country.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Don't just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

Education means to bring out wisdom. Indoctrination means to push in knowledge.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.

And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.

After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren't paying attention to.

About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?

My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore.

When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Love yourself first and everything else falls into line.

Your really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You attract the right things when you have a sense of who you are.

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident.

Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Women say they want a man who knows what a woman's worth. That's a pimp.

Pimp stands for Positive Intellectual Motivated Person.

It has nothing to do with selling sex for money.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

My mind is a raging torrent, flooded with rivulets of thought cascading into a waterfall of creative alternatives.

I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

Poor is a state of mind you never grow out of, but being broke is just a temporary condition.

You know why men make more money than women? Because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay - that's why I get the dollar more an hour.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

There's power in looking silly and not caring that you do.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Yeah we're not together anymore. She has got - she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I've heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

We all know the moon isn't made out of green cheese.

..but if it was made out of barbeque spare ribs would you eat it?

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Often, people who can do, don’t because they’re afraid of what people that can’t do will say about them doing.

Great people do things before they're ready.

You might as well like yourself; just think about all the time you're gonna have to spend with you.

I'd rather regret the things I have done than the things that I haven't.