It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

There is nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

 image quote by Erma Bombeck

A child needs your love most when they deserve it least.

Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, No, thank you, to dessert that night. And for what!

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

Housework can kill you if done right.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

 image quote by Erma Bombeck

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

It seemed rather incongruous that in a society of supersophisticated communication, we often suffer from a shortage of listeners.

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

I take a very practical view of raising children.

I put a sign in each of their rooms: Checkout Time is 18 years

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

 image quote by Erma Bombeck

When I stand before god at the end of my life I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, I used everything you gave me.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.

My second favorite household chore is ironing.

My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

Cleanliness is not next to godliness.

It isn't even in the same neighborhood. No one has ever gotten a religious experience out of removing burned-on cheese from the grill of the toaster oven.

It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive.

 image quote by Erma Bombeck

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife.

The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

Children make your life important.

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed? Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother? Wasn't there any change?

I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food

There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever.

Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, "A house guest," you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.