People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Love is a serious mental disease.
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
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Try the Top 10 list of fun quotes
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.
It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is having lots to do and not doing it.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
In every job that must be done there is an element of fun.
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
When I was a child, my mother said to me, 'If you become a soldier, you'll be a general. if you become a monk you'll end up as the pope.' Instead I became a painter and wound up as Picasso.
Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different.
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
My philosophy is: If you can't have fun, there's no sense in doing it.
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
I tried to be normal once. Worst to minutes of my life.
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Every time you find some humor in a difficult situation, you win.
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.
Being funny is one of my greatest strengths.
I can make girls smile when they're down, and when they're having a good time, I can carry on the joke.
Life is funny and it is interesting how we make it as serious as possible.
Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
Procrastination is like a credit card: it's a lot of fun until you get the bill.
Nobody motivates today's workers. If it doesn't come from within, it doesn't come. Fun helps remove the barriers that allow people to motivate themselves.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
Just play. Have fun. Enjoy the game.
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
Never fight an inanimate object.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Live and work but do not forget to play, to have fun in life and really enjoy it.
People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.