People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
You can't blame gravity for falling in love.
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Life would be tragic if it weren't funny. Laugh at the Absurdity of Life
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Try the Top 10 list of funny quotes
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
It's a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
I think I have a dark view of the world.
I have to make everything funny, otherwise it all seems so sad.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I tried to be normal once. Worst to minutes of my life.
Design is a funny word. Some people think design means how it looks. But of course, if you dig deeper, it's really how it works.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead your made for life. And how did Jimi Hendrix die?
Trust me, You can dance.
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
If you can find the line between sympathetic and creepy, you have reached a very funny area.
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
Being funny is one of my greatest strengths.
I can make girls smile when they're down, and when they're having a good time, I can carry on the joke.
Life is funny and it is interesting how we make it as serious as possible.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
You know the funny thing, I don't get along with rich people.
I get along with the middle class and the poor people better than I get along with the rich people.
It's funny how you never think about the women you've had.
It's always the ones who get away that you can't forget.
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
Never fight an inanimate object.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
It’s funny how, in this journey of life, even though we may begin at different times and places, our paths cross with others so that we may share our love, compassion, observations, and hope. This is a design of God that I appreciate and cherish.
I'm not funny. What I am is brave.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.