Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes, Sayings & Quotations

Part 1. Best funny quotes ever

Go to table of contents
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Isaac Asimov, scientist

Life would be tragic if it weren't funny. Stephen Hawking, scientist

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin, comedian

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard, writer

It's a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get. Arnold Palmer, athlete

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain, author

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. Katharine Hepburn, actress

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. Kevin James, comedian

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg, comedian

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers, comedian

Best funny picture quotes & images

Go to table of contents

New funny quotes

Go to table of contents
Life would be tragic if it weren't funny. Stephen Hawking, scientist

It's a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get. Arnold Palmer, athlete

Женски език от турска сабя по-остър. Bulgarian proverbs,

Донес си, да ти сложа да ядеш! Bulgarian proverbs,

Comedians don't laugh. They're too busy analyzing why it's funny or not. James Lipton, educator

The promos with all of the beautiful women probably attracted some men, but the mystery story line is pretty cool. It's got that dark edge, and people will watch anything funny. James Denton, actor

And of course Marc Cherry heightens it and makes it hilarious. But there's so many universal themes in the show, and he made it so funny. We knew he was onto something if he could keep it up and, thankfully, he did. James Denton, actor

Robert Altman's 'Nashville' is my all-time favorite film because it covers all the bases - it's original, moving, and has something to say, but also funny and incredibly entertaining. Douglas Wood, writer

You have to understand the tone of the movie, because if it's supposed to be funny, it can be funny violent like the Home Alone stuff, but you have to really understand the tone of what you're doing and make the action work for that and for the character. David R. Ellis, director

I joke around a lot about the manic times because they're funny. We manics do outrageous things and it is part of our colorful nature. Patty Duke, actress

Part 2. funny quotes That ARE...


inspirational quotes

Funny quotes that are inspirational.

Go to table of contents
A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned Benjamin Franklin, politician

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin, actress

The recipe for great art has always been misery and a good bowel movement. Don Roff,

More inspirational quotes


movie quotes

Funny movie quotes from films, TV, home video and celebrities.

Go to table of contents
It's funny that people think because you don't have a movie or record out, you disappear into a frozen chamber someplace. They think you're dead when you're not in the public eye. Jason Schwartzman, actor

I had to act in a school play when I was about ten years old. I really didn't want to do it. But everyone had to do it so I didn't have a choice. A talent agent came and watched it and later gave me some work. It's funny because I'd always known that I wanted a movie career. I just didn't think that I would be in the movies. Kristen Stewart, actress

At the end of the day it's got to be a good movie, it's got to be a funny movie, and it's got to make people think, 'Hey, I couldn't have spent my time any better.' Tom Hanks, actor

I've never set out to write a funny movie or be a funny comedian as a woman. I am a woman. I don't really have a choice in the matter. My goal is just to be funny. Maya Rudolph, actress

I moved to New York to do theater, and I got cast in a play that was funny, and then I was the funny guy. I did a movie that was funny, and then I was the funny guy. Steve Zahn, actor

I really think that sex always looks kind of funny in a movie. William Friedkin, director

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. Will Rogers, actor

It's funny how it usually works out that I end up dying. It sort of works out, because by the time I die, I'm usually tired of working on that particular movie, so I look forward to it. Owen Wilson, actor

We went through all the scenes and they became kind of funny and they expanded a little bit and because it seemed to be working so well in the movie, they added a couple of things later on in the movie and that's how it turned out. Eugene Levy, actor

But it is funny, because I saw Unbreakable recently and it's a strange movie, I didn't mind it, and it's got some interesting things going on. Alex Winter, actor

But I think once the word gets out that the movie is funny - funny is transcendent - it will traverse all demographic barriers if people embrace it as a funny movie. Thomas Haden Church, actor

Jonathan Lynn is one of the last actors Orsen Welles used in a production. It was wonderful. He's very sharp, very sharp. It's funny I've been asked how weird it was to have a Brit do a church gospel movie. Cuba Gooding, Jr., actor

The commentary track became a lot like the movie and there are some funny, long, awkward pauses that you can tell we're just trying to find stuff to say. None of us had gotten to really talk about the movie until that moment and they were in New York and we were in L.A. Jay Roach, director

I think it's so funny when people think they can't control a movie star. They can. We're just women, you know. Esther Williams, actress

It perhaps has a chance, a commercial chance, this film. It's funny, it's charming, the idea is original, it's unusual and it makes fun of the movie industry in a way that it needs to be poked fun at. Mark Rydell, director

We're kind of the comic relief of this movie because most of the stories are very dark. And that's why these plays were so great, because it's such a dark, dark universe that it becomes funny because it's just too pathetic. Caroline Dhavernas, actress

We didn't even think about it, you know? I used to collect laser discs, and you'd have some college professor analyzing It's a Wonderful Life or Citizen Kane, and now it is pretty funny - the idea of commentary for a silly kid's movie, you know? Dana Carvey, comedian

No, writing musicals is the hardest thing in the world. And it was really funny, because I remember when the South Park movie came out, there were some critics that said, 'Well it's obvious that in order to get it to be 90 minutes they filled some time with music.' Trey Parker, artist

It was the most fun I've ever had on a movie. It was one of the happiest times in my life. I was living in New York, and I really enjoyed acting at the time. Also, it's funny because that was also the time when I went downhill. Mickey Rourke, actor

As you know it is a comedy so everything is a little bit pushed. That's what's funny about this kind of movie is you can laugh about the absurdity, and the bad side of life. Sophie Marceau, actress

More movie quotes


Be Kind quotes

Funny quotes some kind, some cruel.

Go to table of contents
I've never really understood that. It's a funny thing; people sometimes accuse us of condescending to our characters somehow-that to me is kind of inexplicable. Joel Coen, director

The first time I walked by a crap table, I felt kind of funny. Caroll Shelby, businessman

I was lucky. My family is wonderful. And it's funny, because most of my best friends come from very large families. So it always felt as if I had lots of siblings, though in the end I had to leave them and go home. I kind of got the best of both worlds as a kid. Sophia Bush, actress

Cheryl Cole and Katy Perry are two of the hottest girls in the world - and so normal and funny with it. If I was a few years older they are the kind of girls I'd like to date. I want a younger version of Cheryl and Katy - a mixture of the two would be hot. Justin Bieber, musician

The shooting of the guns, that was kind of funny, because rolling a cigarette and shooting a gun aren't like normal things for a 13-year old girl! Hailee Steinfeld, actress

As young as I look, I think it will still be funny if I played a person who's kind of tortured and hates his life. Kind of like a Larry David-type thing. Andy Milonakis, comedian

It was always a fantasy of mine growing up - my favorite program was always 'Little House on the Prairie' - so I always wanted to wear those looks. When I was a child, I wouldn't let my mom put me in anything but calico dresses and now... whaddaya know, every day I'm in a calico dress, basically, so it's kind of funny. Chloe Sevigny, actress

You have a couple of buddies sleep over, and, you know, you play cops and robbers. That I'm getting paid to do it now is kind of funny. Chris O'Donnell, actor

It's a funny business. I kind of compare it to baseball. I'm always looking for a home run. Billy Mays, businessman

It sounds funny, but the 2008 Olympics were something that just kind of happened, and I was lucky they came at a point when I was uninjured and well prepared. As a gymnast, you can't ask for much more. Shawn Johnson, athlete

Lots of models have played mermaids throughout history and it is, kind of, a funny rite of passage. Gemma Ward, actress

Usually, impersonations come out of something you dig, because you're listening to it over and over. And you kind of start developing... You're really trying to emulate them, then you realize, 'I sound ridiculous doing this. Oh, hey, maybe this is a funny impersonation.' Alex Borstein, actress

I really think that sex always looks kind of funny in a movie. William Friedkin, director

I had an idea of what I thought was funny. It's kind of based on how I am. Jennifer Aniston, actress

I'm obsessive about the kind of melodrama of getting through the days and trying to make them good and funny and a happy experience. But my feeling towards the fans is that they delivered me from darkness. Tom Baker, actor

It's funny how sometimes how the public some people think I was born like this. That I maybe I sleep and I do big muscle, but its a lot of work to look like this and to be in this kind of condition. Lou Ferrigno, actor

I do like any kind of project that has both comedy and drama in it because in life you don't have one day where everything is funny then the next day everything is dramatic. Topher Grace, actor

I'm known as a kind of dramatic, serious, almost humorless actor and the fact is, I'm a funny guy, and I spend most of my life trying to find a lighter side of things, and on stage was given plenty of opportunity to do that. Campbell Scott, actor

Especially with a comedy, you've got the clear cut goal of trying to make a scene funny. It's not like drama where you're trying to achieve some kind of emotion or trying to further the story along. You're trying to figure out what's the funniest way to do something. Luke Wilson, actor

We went through all the scenes and they became kind of funny and they expanded a little bit and because it seemed to be working so well in the movie, they added a couple of things later on in the movie and that's how it turned out. Eugene Levy, actor

More kind quotes

Part 3. funny quotes About


Quotes about life

Funny quotes about life which can be inspirational life lessons.

Go to table of contents
Life would be tragic if it weren't funny. Stephen Hawking, scientist

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. Elbert Hubbard, writer

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. Katharine Hepburn, actress

It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead your made for life. Jimi Hendrix, musician

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. Tallulah Bankhead, actress

Life is funny and it is interesting how we make it as serious as possible. Elisha Cuthbert, actress

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. Brooke Shields, actress

My life needs editing. Mort Sahl, journalist

It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it. W. Somerset Maugham, playwright

I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way. Jimmy Carr, comedian

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. Woody Allen, director

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress. Will Rogers, actor

As young as I look, I think it will still be funny if I played a person who's kind of tortured and hates his life. Kind of like a Larry David-type thing. Andy Milonakis, comedian

When I'm not acting, I try to be normal, play golf, play hockey. It's funny because you're in this little bubble when you're working - you don't read books, you don't really keep up with the news, you're just living that life. Taylor Kitsch, actor

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. Woody Allen, director

Vicodin, I got addicted to that little pill. The reason I don't talk about it too much in the press is because it isn't funny, and I love to be funny in interviews. If you joke about that period in your life, it doesn't seem right. Matthew Perry, actor

When I started my program... there was a big clock in the corner and I looked and it said nine o'clock exactly. And it was funny, because when I was standing on the podium, it said exactly 10 p.m., and this whole hour had changed my life. Sarah Hughes, athlete

I do like any kind of project that has both comedy and drama in it because in life you don't have one day where everything is funny then the next day everything is dramatic. Topher Grace, actor

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life. Richard Lewis, comedian

I'm known as a kind of dramatic, serious, almost humorless actor and the fact is, I'm a funny guy, and I spend most of my life trying to find a lighter side of things, and on stage was given plenty of opportunity to do that. Campbell Scott, actor

More life quotes


Quotes about work

Funny work quotes, which can be motivational or inspirational, about workplace and job.

Go to table of contents
Yeah, it's funny, working on a show with as large a cast as we have here, your work gets sort of compartmentalized. There's still about half the cast that I've never had a scene with but I have missed working with Terry. Michael Emerson, actor

I've played villains on stage - you know, the Iagos and so on - but I think of myself as a funny person. I mostly did comedies before I did TV work. Michael Emerson, actor

I had to act in a school play when I was about ten years old. I really didn't want to do it. But everyone had to do it so I didn't have a choice. A talent agent came and watched it and later gave me some work. It's funny because I'd always known that I wanted a movie career. I just didn't think that I would be in the movies. Kristen Stewart, actress

I think it's great to see how they've grown up, not just as actors but as people. They're still very much the same kids that I met many years ago. They've grown up and they are funny and wicked and naughty and bright, and I think as actors their work is just getting better and better. They've blossomed. David Heyman, producer

A mate of mine told me recently, 'It's the first time I've seen you work, Worthington.' I thought that was quite funny, but he was right. Sam Worthington, actor

It's funny how sometimes how the public some people think I was born like this. That I maybe I sleep and I do big muscle, but its a lot of work to look like this and to be in this kind of condition. Lou Ferrigno, actor

To be able to make a good living in a challenging medium like soap operas is great. The best is that I get to act and am rewarded for it. And the people I work with are great. Funny, intelligent, hard working. They're all great to be around. David Canary, actor

You know, it was just another presentation of my work, and a funny one, because the cards are quite different from the normal Tarot deck, no? H. R. Giger, artist

If you work at comedy too laboriously, you can kill what's funny in the joke. Richard Russo, novelist

They sent me the script and I thought that there was something very appealing and funny about it. Also, I was familiar with Mike Myers' work in Saturday Night Live, but I did not know the extent to which he would make this creation. Michael York, actor

What has been happening more lately - of course, I also put in my bio, I say I do the voice of Goliath, but some people go - you know, I say something, and it's a funny thing when you work in this business, people will talk out loud in front of you like you're not there. Keith David, actor

You have to understand the tone of the movie, because if it's supposed to be funny, it can be funny violent like the Home Alone stuff, but you have to really understand the tone of what you're doing and make the action work for that and for the character. David R. Ellis, director

More work quotes


Quotes about love

Funny love quotes for him and her, to say I love You.

Go to table of contents
It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead your made for life. Jimi Hendrix, musician

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. Douglas Adams, writer

I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl. Norm MacDonald, actor

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups. Cathy Guisewite, cartoonist

I love nerds. Comic-Con junkies are the tastemakers of tomorrow. Isn't that funny? The tables have turned. Kristen Bell, actress

I went swimming the other day and my wife was watching and she said, 'You know, it's funny, it's when you've got no clothes on, no one recognizes you.' I said, 'What are you saying? That I should do more love scenes?' Eddie Marsan, actor

Light and funny has a more compelling quality when you're younger. But I haven't abandoned the genre: I love falling down; I love Lucille Ball. It's just that a lot of those stories revolve around problems that I can't convincingly portray at this age. Julia Roberts, actress

Everyone comes up to me saying, 'Cooee, Julie! Hello!' as if I know them. Of course I don't bloody know them. Am I flummoxed by it? Sometimes. I think, 'Ooh, love, go easy.' For a time, I did feel this pressure that I had to be funny, but it passes. Julie Walters, actress

I would really love to do a musical, I don't know in what capacity but something funny. Billie Piper, actress

I'm a pretty funny guy, and I would love to do a comedy with a bunch of funny guys - movie-star guys, where they could help me through it. LeBron James, athlete

And write what you love - don't feel pressured to write serious prose if what you like is to be funny. Cassandra Clare, author

It's so different when you change your hair color, you're treated so differently. It's a very funny experience. It's fun - I love changing up my hair. Kate Bosworth, actress

I'm so single. It's funny. I'm usually a relationship girl. I love being in love and having a partner in crime. But it's good to be your own partner in crime. God, that makes me sound like I have multiple-personality disorder. Brittany Snow, actress

If I could ever be on a Missy Elliott record, I could then die. Missy Elliott, Mary J. Blige - I love hearing them interviewed, I love the way they talk about their art. They're very self-assured, they're funny, they're inviting. I love it. Neko Case, musician

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. Bill Cosby, comedian

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live. Bob Hope, comedian

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect. Alanis Morissette, musician

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun. Arnold Schwarzenegger, actor

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money. Bob Hope, comedian

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did. Bette Davis, actress

More love quotes

Part 4. funny quotes by ...


Comedian quotes

Quotes from famous comedians.

Go to table of contents
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin, comedian

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. Kevin James, comedian

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg, comedian

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers, comedian

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright, comedian

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. Tim Allen, comedian

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin, comedian

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. P. J. O'Rourke, comedian

What's another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright, comedian

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld, comedian

When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic. Jane Wagner, comedian

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.' Demetri Martin, comedian

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands. Jerry Lewis, comedian

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield, comedian

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. Steven Wright, comedian

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg, comedian

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. Jerry Seinfeld, comedian

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat! Demetri Martin, comedian

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand. Emo Philips, comedian

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. Steve Martin, comedian

More comedian quotes


Actor quotes

Quotes from famous actors.

Go to table of contents
If you can find the line between sympathetic and creepy, you have reached a very funny area. Jason Segel, actor

Being funny is one of my greatest strengths. I can make girls smile when they're down, and when they're having a good time, I can carry on the joke. John Krasinski, actor

But you can't focus on things that matter if all you've been is asleep for forty years. Funny how sleep rhymes with sheep. You know. Charlie Sheen, actor

Boston is actually the capital of the world. You didn't know that? We breed smart-ass, quippy, funny people. Not that I'm one of them. I just sorta sneaked in under the radar. John Krasinski, actor

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. Will Rogers, actor

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. Clint Eastwood, actor

We want to be funny. We want to make people laugh... We'll do whatever it takes. Colin Mochrie, actor

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny. Norm MacDonald, actor

I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl. Norm MacDonald, actor

If you play it straight it's funny - the best comedy is always played straight down the middle. The adjustment is understanding from the screenplay that a moment is hilarious. Tom Hiddleston, actor

If I studied all my life, I couldn't think up half the number of funny things passed in one session of congress. Will Rogers, actor

The thing that's funny is that everyone thinks I'm dead. Charles Nelson Reilly, actor

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny. Larry David, actor

Eddie Drake is sort of this loose cannon, funny, edgy guy, who has this really foolish, foolish mustache. Lee Tergesen, actor

I found out a long time ago that if I didn't have a good story for a song, I could just make one up! Now it seems over half the stories in my show are made up. The funny thing is, those seem to be the ones that resonate the most with the audiences. Ronny Cox, actor

One time I went into a restroom and a girl followed me in. I signed an autograph for her in the sink. It was pretty funny because she was in a guy's restroom and she wasn't embarrassed at all. Zac Efron, actor

It's the cushiest job, but some lines are so funny that I crack up. Dan Castellaneta, actor

I feel for Veronica Mars so much when I'm watching at home. It is a wonderful story. The writing is consistently funny, biting, charming, heart-wrenching, etc. I also like the look of it. The cinematography - different from any other show. Jason Dohring, actor

I think we're the only jokeless show on television. I mean really, we have no setups and no punch lines. It's not a joke show. There are funny lines and funny moments but again the comedy is born of the human experience and awkward pauses are a great part of what it is to be human. Rainn Wilson, actor

Most shows, you really have to force it. And everybody's nervous, and the network is nervous, and they've all got their notepads out, and they're all going to give notes on what they think is funny, and everybody's trying to spin their jokes, and this was so - the script was so good that we didn't have to really do anything, and it made it so easy for us to do well. Will Arnett, actor

More actor quotes


Actresses quotes

Quotes from famous actresses.

Go to table of contents
Life is hard. After all, it kills you. Katharine Hepburn, actress

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. Tallulah Bankhead, actress

Life is funny and it is interesting how we make it as serious as possible. Elisha Cuthbert, actress

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. Brooke Shields, actress

So, I'm the Eighth Wonder of the World. It's flattering and very, very funny. Eva Longoria, actress

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin, actress

I am odd-looking. I sometimes think I look like a funny Muppet. Angelina Jolie, actress

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. Natalie Wood, actress

I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair. Bette Davis, actress

And remember, it's also very funny, because side by side with grief lies joy. Fran Drescher, actress

I tend to head for what's amusing because a lot of things aren't happy. But usually you can find a funny side to practically anything. Maggie Smith, actress

This is going to sound really funny. I have a poster of Zac Efron on my wall! I think every girl has a poster of him in their room so, why not join the club! Vanessa Hudgens, actress

It would be pretty funny to see a Beverly Hills white girl with mad rap skills. Tori Spelling, actress

I wish I had a funny story. Leslie Easterbrook, actress

It's a required part of your film history to know who Woody is. His movies are so wonderful, and not just funny but so insightful about human behavior. Scarlett Johansson, actress

I have an older sister named Haley and she wanted to be an actress. So I wanted to be an actress. It's really funny the way that some people don't give kids enough credit for like really being driven, and really wanting to do things so badly. Hilary Duff, actress

I love nerds. Comic-Con junkies are the tastemakers of tomorrow. Isn't that funny? The tables have turned. Kristen Bell, actress

I was lucky. My family is wonderful. And it's funny, because most of my best friends come from very large families. So it always felt as if I had lots of siblings, though in the end I had to leave them and go home. I kind of got the best of both worlds as a kid. Sophia Bush, actress

I'm smart and I can be really funny and interesting and I can go toe-to-toe with anybody in a conversation. Megan Fox, actress

I had gotten to a place where I truly believed everything I was called: 'not sexy,' 'not funny,' 'too intense,' desperate.' All those labels they gave me, I took them because there wasn't a trace of my true self left. Naomi Watts, actress

More actress quotes


Musician quotes

Quotes from famous musicians.

Go to table of contents
I think I have a dark view of the world. I have to make everything funny, otherwise it all seems so sad. Moon Unit Zappa, musician

It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead your made for life. Jimi Hendrix, musician

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass. David Lee Roth, musician

I'm for whatever gets you through the night. Frank Sinatra, musician

What's David's role? David looks good, that's what David does. David looks good, and I'm the funny one, that's what I hear constantly. But I keep telling him that looks fade. Victoria Beckham, musician

I wanted to be that quirky girl who writes funny songs that still have meaning. Katy Perry, musician

There have been times when I felt suicidal and I would stop my head from going in that direction of negativity because I thought there'd be something I'd miss that was funny in the future. If there's a chance I'm going to laugh tomorrow then want to live to experience that. Dave Navarro, musician

It's funny, because my last record was a lot about isolation and people living in separate worlds that other people can't even understand, which drug addiction is the perfect negative example of. Aimee Mann, musician

It's funny how the music industry is enraged about the Internet and the way things are copied without being paid for. But you know why people steal the music? Because they can't afford the music. Tom Petty, musician

Cheryl Cole and Katy Perry are two of the hottest girls in the world - and so normal and funny with it. If I was a few years older they are the kind of girls I'd like to date. I want a younger version of Cheryl and Katy - a mixture of the two would be hot. Justin Bieber, musician

It's funny because a lot of people that know me as a dancer, don't know that I'm a singer, and a lot of people that know I can sing don't know I can dance. And so, I feel like at some point I have to show them both and really be able to display it and showcase it, and put that out there. Naima Adedapo, musician

I was a hop-around. I hung out with the rockabilly crew, the guys who were trying to be rappers, the funny kids. Katy Perry, musician

Our records, if you have a dark sense of humor, were funny, but our records weren't about comedy. They were about protests, fantasy, confrontation and all that. Ice Cube, musician

It's funny how people who ain't never been down there can think that America is so fair and that we should be alright. It's funny that the people who have their foot on our neck are telling us, 'Get up. What's wrong with you?' Ice Cube, musician

The fans of 'The Hunger Games,' of the book, are very passionate. It's funny: Even at my concerts there are people holding up 'Cinna' signs. Lenny Kravitz, musician

There's been a lot of coming home in the early mornings after funny nights out, having bizarre sandwiches in bed. Neneh Cherry, musician

I'm not very funny! Kimbra, musician

It's funny how intimate it feels to get a text. Sophie Ellis Bextor, musician

With Portlandia, I don't think our intention is always to find something funny. Sometimes the humor comes from taking something really seriously. We're okay with making somebody feel uncomfortable or uneasy. Carrie Brownstein, musician

I really wanted to find a piano for the farm house. There were so many free pianos on Craigslist, I thought, 'Let's get as many free pianos as we can and stick them all in the barn.' I got eight in a short period of time, only six of which were tunable, but it's still quite funny. Neko Case, musician

More musician quotes


Director quotes

Quotes from famous directors.

Go to table of contents
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen, director

I've never really understood that. It's a funny thing; people sometimes accuse us of condescending to our characters somehow-that to me is kind of inexplicable. Joel Coen, director

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. Woody Allen, director

I think I would say 'The King's Speech' is surprisingly funny, in fact the audiences in London, Toronto, LA, New York commented there's more laughter in this film than in most comedies, while it is also a moving tear-jerker with an uplifting ending. Tom Hooper, director

I watched a lot of silent directors who were absolutely great like John Ford and Fritz Lang, Tod Browning, and also some very modern directors like The Coen Brothers. The directors take the freedom within their own movies to be melodramatic or funny when they chose to be. They do whatever they want and they don't care about the genre. Michel Hazanavicius, director

To me, I've never understood why there is any question about are women as funny as men. Judd Apatow, director

I wanted to see how funny I could be without making the choice that every 10 minutes something big and visual had to happen. Judd Apatow, director

I put on a big show when I write something I think is funny. Judd Apatow, director

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Luis Bunuel, director

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. Woody Allen, director

I failed to make the chess team because of my height. Woody Allen, director

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs. Alfred Hitchcock, director

I really think that sex always looks kind of funny in a movie. William Friedkin, director

Violence is not funny. William Friedkin, director

I allow a lot of room for improvisation and funny stuff. I always feel planned. Michael Bay, director

Nine out of 10 times these guys will hit it-they'll be on something incredibly funny, but one out of 10, two out of 10, they'll fall flat on their faces. That's what makes them great actors: they take those chances, they don't play it safe. Peter Farrelly, director

The funny thing is all these school shootings that we have, always happen in very religious communities. Maybe it's because the centre of their lives is a big fat nothing and it's just a fantasy and there's nothing there. I think maybe that might have something to do with it. Matthew Bright, director

The commentary track became a lot like the movie and there are some funny, long, awkward pauses that you can tell we're just trying to find stuff to say. None of us had gotten to really talk about the movie until that moment and they were in New York and we were in L.A. Jay Roach, director

It perhaps has a chance, a commercial chance, this film. It's funny, it's charming, the idea is original, it's unusual and it makes fun of the movie industry in a way that it needs to be poked fun at. Mark Rydell, director

Every milieu has something ridiculous about it - film-making, the music world, painting - because people who take themselves seriously become funny pretty quickly. Rebecca Miller, director

More director quotes

Part 5. funny quotes from...


English quotes

Quotes from English authors

Go to table of contents
Life would be tragic if it weren't funny. Stephen Hawking, scientist

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. Douglas Adams, writer

Comedy, your funny bone, is formed in childhood. Paul O'Grady, comedian

The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible. David Ogilvy, businessman

What's David's role? David looks good, that's what David does. David looks good, and I'm the funny one, that's what I hear constantly. But I keep telling him that looks fade. Victoria Beckham, musician

I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described somewhere as a lapsed Catholic, which is funny because I'm not going back! I want to achieve things rather than live life in an animalistic way. Jimmy Carr, comedian

If you play it straight it's funny - the best comedy is always played straight down the middle. The adjustment is understanding from the screenplay that a moment is hilarious. Tom Hiddleston, actor

Be what you would seem to be - or, if you'd like it put more simply - never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise. Lewis Carroll, author

You gazed at the moon and fell in the gutter. Thomas Fuller, clergyman

I had gotten to a place where I truly believed everything I was called: 'not sexy,' 'not funny,' 'too intense,' desperate.' All those labels they gave me, I took them because there wasn't a trace of my true self left. Naomi Watts, actress

I went swimming the other day and my wife was watching and she said, 'You know, it's funny, it's when you've got no clothes on, no one recognizes you.' I said, 'What are you saying? That I should do more love scenes?' Eddie Marsan, actor

Chris Hemsworth is like Christopher Reeve in that he can do two things: he can wear a big red cape without a shred of self-consciousness. But he's also funny as hell, and he's so sweet. So with all the fish-out-of-water stuff, he's so funny. So he does almost two jobs in a way. Tom Hiddleston, actor

I find it very easy playing Bond. I think he's hilarious. He gets himself into some extraordinarily funny situations. Daniel Craig, actor

I didn't plan to be the rude middle-class comedian. You write a certain type of joke that you find funny, and mine happen to be often rude. Yes, it's juvenile, but that's me. Jimmy Carr, comedian

This morning someone sent me a very funny photo of me holding their puppy. We have matching colour jackets. Luke Treadaway, actor

It's funny how intimate it feels to get a text. Sophie Ellis Bextor, musician

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale. Arthur C. Clarke, writer

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race. H. G. Wells, author

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs. Alfred Hitchcock, director

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. Les Dawson, comedian

More english quotes


Irish quotes

Quotes from Irish authors.

Go to table of contents
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. George Bernard Shaw, dramatist

Sometimes, the other characters are too normal and then you start to be brought back to reality but then Luna shows up and she is just so funny and cool and honest and slightly mad and she's all that matters. She is 100% true. She puts on no shows, because she is so comfortable with herself. Evanna Lynch, actress

People like her because she's like a breath of fresh air. Because in the fifth book it gets so dark and Harry's always cross and then every time Luna comes in all the tension goes and she makes you laugh because she's so funny and really honest. I don't know how much I'm like her, there are some similarities but I'm more determined than her. Evanna Lynch, actress

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. Spike Milligan, comedian

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. Spike Milligan, comedian

I can speak Esperanto like a native. Spike Milligan, comedian

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. Spike Milligan, comedian

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me. Dylan Moran, comedian

If it bends, it's funny; if it breaks, it's not funny. Kate O'Brien, novelist

More irish quotes


Canadian quotes

Quotes from Canadian authors.

Go to table of contents
Life is funny and it is interesting how we make it as serious as possible. Elisha Cuthbert, actress

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. Laurence J. Peter, writer

My life needs editing. Mort Sahl, journalist

I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny. Jim Carrey, comedian

Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny. Norm MacDonald, actor

I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl. Norm MacDonald, actor

Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object. Laurence J. Peter, writer

Most shows, you really have to force it. And everybody's nervous, and the network is nervous, and they've all got their notepads out, and they're all going to give notes on what they think is funny, and everybody's trying to spin their jokes, and this was so - the script was so good that we didn't have to really do anything, and it made it so easy for us to do well. Will Arnett, actor

There's nothing cure or funny or lovable about being cheap. It's a total turn-off. Doug Coupland, author

Cheryl Cole and Katy Perry are two of the hottest girls in the world - and so normal and funny with it. If I was a few years older they are the kind of girls I'd like to date. I want a younger version of Cheryl and Katy - a mixture of the two would be hot. Justin Bieber, musician

I've always been part of comedy. One of the things about our family was that if we were reasonably funny with each other, particularly my two brothers and myself, when my father was upset with something you'd want to make sure in some way you made him laugh. Because when he didn't laugh, you were in trouble! Leslie Nielsen, actor

I've just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn't know them, I wouldn't know they were funny from the television. I don't know what it does, it just sucks it away. Norm MacDonald, actor

Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks. Caroline Rhea, comedian

When I'm not acting, I try to be normal, play golf, play hockey. It's funny because you're in this little bubble when you're working - you don't read books, you don't really keep up with the news, you're just living that life. Taylor Kitsch, actor

A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know. Laurence J. Peter, writer

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect. Alanis Morissette, musician

We went through all the scenes and they became kind of funny and they expanded a little bit and because it seemed to be working so well in the movie, they added a couple of things later on in the movie and that's how it turned out. Eugene Levy, actor

I'm doing a very funny show in which we talk about issues. I speak at Aids charities and things. It's great to do something fun with our days and yet we're told we're doing something important. Eric McCormack, actor

It's funny how making odd noises can get you into strange situations sometimes. Eric San, musician

The funny thing is, Dennis Miller got me back into comedy. Tommy Chong, actor

More canadian quotes


Australian quotes

Quotes from Australian authors.

Go to table of contents
The British are so funny. It's like they can't believe I lived in Hackney. 'You could live in Bondi Beach. Why would you want to live in 'Ackney?' But Hackney's fantastic. I'm serious. There are so many artists there. I loved the markets, the parks, the pubs, the diversity. It was a cultural melting-pot. Rose Byrne, actress

Lots of models have played mermaids throughout history and it is, kind of, a funny rite of passage. Gemma Ward, actress

The tricky thing becomes: Do you know yourself well enough to then portray that on screen? And for me, I find that really hard. I'd rather hide behind accents and funny walks. Joel Edgerton, actor

A mate of mine told me recently, 'It's the first time I've seen you work, Worthington.' I thought that was quite funny, but he was right. Sam Worthington, actor

The guys on the stunt team are really fantastic. It's really funny, because for all the aggression they have to display on screen, they're actually really happy, good- natured people. Miranda Otto, actress

It was kind of scary because working with Woody Allen becomes sort of a big deal in your mind. He directs in that Woody Allen character some of the time - he has these idiosyncrasies that are really charming and funny. Radha Mitchell, actress

You know, you can touch a stick of dynamite, but if you touch a venomous snake it'll turn around and bite you and kill you so fast it's not even funny. Steve Irwin, scientist

You didn't want to laugh, did you? It wasn't very funny, was it? Graham Kennedy, entertainer

More australian quotes


German quotes

Quotes from German authors.

Go to table of contents
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. Albert Einstein, physicist

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. Henry A Kissinger, diplomat

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity. Albert Einstein, physicist

What's funny about Jesus' Son is that I never even wrote that book, I just wrote it down. I would tell these stories and people would say, You should write these things down. Denis Johnson, writer

More german quotes

Part 5. Best funny quotes from greatest people ever.


George Carlin quotes

American Comedian George Carlin Funny Quotes.

Go to table of contents
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it. George Carlin, comedian

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin, comedian

Electricity is really just organized lightning. George Carlin, comedian

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. George Carlin, comedian

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. George Carlin, comedian

More George Carlin quotes


Steve Martin quotes

American Comedian Steve Martin Funny Quotes.

Go to table of contents
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks. Steve Martin, comedian

Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything! Steve Martin, comedian

More Steve Martin quotes


Groucho Marx quotes

American Comedian Groucho Marx Funny Quotes.

Go to table of contents
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx, comedian

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. Groucho Marx, comedian

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx, comedian

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. Groucho Marx, comedian

More Groucho Marx quotes


Rita Rudner quotes

American Comedian Rita Rudner Funny Quotes.

Go to table of contents
To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior." Rita Rudner, comedian

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. Rita Rudner, comedian

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. Rita Rudner, comedian

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. Rita Rudner, comedian

More Rita Rudner quotes


Rodney Dangerfield quotes

American Comedian Rodney Dangerfield Funny Quotes.

Go to table of contents
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her. Rodney Dangerfield, comedian

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. Rodney Dangerfield, comedian

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. Rodney Dangerfield, comedian

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it. Rodney Dangerfield, comedian

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers. Rodney Dangerfield, comedian

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield, comedian

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. Rodney Dangerfield, comedian

More Rodney Dangerfield quotes


Steven Wright quotes

American Stand-up Comedian Steven Wright Funny Quotes.

Go to table of contents
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright, comedian

What's another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright, comedian

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. Steven Wright, comedian

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done. Steven Wright, comedian

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country. Steven Wright, comedian

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. Steven Wright, comedian

More Steven Wright quotes


Jerry Seinfeld quotes

American Stand-up Comedian Jerry Seinfeld Funny Quotes.

Go to table of contents
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? Jerry Seinfeld, comedian

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. Jerry Seinfeld, comedian

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. Jerry Seinfeld, comedian

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. Jerry Seinfeld, comedian

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! Jerry Seinfeld, comedian

More Jerry Seinfeld quotes


Mitch Hedberg quotes

American Comedian Mitch Hedberg Funny Quotes.

Go to table of contents
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg, comedian

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. Mitch Hedberg, comedian

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. Mitch Hedberg, comedian

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny! Mitch Hedberg, comedian

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. Mitch Hedberg, comedian

More Mitch Hedberg quotes


Don Rickles quotes

American Comedian Don Rickles Funny Quotes.

Go to table of contents
I have no idea what I'm going to say when I stand up to give a toast. But I do know that anything I say I find funny. Don Rickles, comedian

Some people say funny things, but I say things funny. Don Rickles, comedian

You know what's funny to me? Attitude. Don Rickles, comedian

Funny is funny. Don Rickles, comedian

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder? Don Rickles, comedian

More Don Rickles quotes


Part 7. Conclusion.

Best of 696 Funny Quotes and Sayings. Laugh with the funniest quotes that can be about life, friendship and love. Most are short, easy to remember, inspirational from famous stand-up comedians, musicians, actors, actresses, celebrities and entertainers ever lived.


TABLE OF CONTENTS

Part 1
Best Funny quotes
Top Funny picture quotes
New Funny quotes

Part 2
Funny Quotes That ARE...
Inspirational
Movie
Be Kind

Part 3
Funny Quotes About
Life
Work
Love

Part 4
Funny Quotes By ...
Comedian
Actor
Actresses
Musician
Director

Part 5
Funny Quotes From ...
English
Irish
Canadian
Australian
German

Part 6
Funny Quotes by Famous Authors
George Carlin
Steve Martin
Groucho Marx
Rita Rudner
Rodney Dangerfield
Steven Wright
Jerry Seinfeld
Mitch Hedberg
Don Rickles

Part 7
Conclusion

Quote
Loading ...