There is no such thing as bad whiskey. Some whiskeys just happen to be better than others. But a man shouldn't fool with booze until he's fifty; then he's a damn fool if he doesn't.
— William Faulkner
Glamorous Alcoholism Funny quotations
Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.
I'm too drunk to taste this chicken
Too much of anything is bad, but too much good whiskey is barely enough.
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
Don't trust a brilliant idea unless it survives the hangover.
Drink, sir, is a great provoker of three things .
. . nose-painting, sleep, and urine. Lechery, sir, it provokes, and unprovokes; it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.
I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
Here's to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life.
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland.
They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I don't have a drink problem. But if that was the case and doctors told me I had to stop, I'd like to think that I would be brave enough to drink myself into the grave.
God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.
Wine is the most healthful and most hygienic of beverages.
You can only drink 30 or 40 glasses of beer a day, no matter how rich you are.
I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.
I blew the lot on vodka and tonic, gambling and fags.
Looking back, I think I overdid it on the tonic.
I walk into the clubhouse today and it's like walking into the Mayo Clinic.
We have four doctors, three therapists and five trainers. Back when I broke in, we had one trainer who carried a bottle of rubbing alcohol, and by the 7th inning he'd already drunk it.
I like liquor - its taste and its effects - and that is just the reason why I never drink it.
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea.
Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol.
A perfect martini should be made by filling a glass with gin then waving it in the general direction of Italy.
I had to stop drinkin, cuz I got tired of waking up in my car driving ninety.
Wine is sunlight, held together by water.
I don't have a drinking problem 'Cept when I can't get a drink.
I went to the worst of bars hoping to get killed but all I could do was to get drunk again.
I like to have a martini/Two at the very most.
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having.
Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.
I always take Scotch whiskey at night as a preventive of toothache.
I have never had the toothache; and what is more, I never intend to have it.
I only take a drink on two occasions - when I'm thirsty and when I'm not.
There's a thousand reasons why I shouldn't drink... but I can't think of one right now.