Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.— Dorothy Parker
Powerful Birthday Humor quotations
Your True Nature Is Love. There's Nothing You Can Do About It.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday.
I tell them, a paternity suit.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
If you're not getting older, you're dead.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
At 50, don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up. Happy 50th birthday.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - T-SHIRT
I have no problems with buying tampons.
I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"
Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.
I never know what to get my father for his birthday.
I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.
I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it.
The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet.
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
They tell you that you'll lose your mind when you grow older.
What they don't tell you is that you won't miss it very much.
Pleas'd look forward, pleas'd to look behind,And count each birthday with a grateful mind.
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday.
She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!".
If we could be twice young and twice old we could correct all our mistakes.
At 50, a man can be an ass without being an optimist but not an optimist without being an ass
It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
Of late I appear To have reached that stage When people who look old Who are only my age.
Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.
If you want to look young and thin on your birthday. Hang around a bunch of old fat people.
You might be a redneck if you give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes.
It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over.
You've heard of the three ages of man - youth, age, and you are looking wonderful.
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
I occasionally get birthday cards from fans.
But it's often the same message: They hope it's my last.
I'm actually a perpetual 13-year-old.
I've never advanced beyond 13. Every day, tomorrow is my 14th birthday. That's my kind of humor.