My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.— Anthony Jeselnik
Passioned Ex Girlfriend quotations
When your ex says ‘You’ll never find anyone like me’. Say ‘that’s the point’.
I did an interview once where I was asked who I found attractive and I went on about cartoons and Nala from 'The Lion King' - and it's a bit weird but various of my ex-girlfriends actually did look like Nala.
I ask a lot because I'm very curious - especially about ex-girlfriends.
I'm pretty good at getting the answers, too.
I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.
I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.
My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.
Being alone is scary, but not as scary as feeling alone in a relationship.
Walked right by an ex-girlfriend today.
Not on purpose, I just didn't recognize her with her mouth closed.
I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
I don't think I believe in ghosts, per se.
But, my nearest experience was when I went on a weekend away and was in a bar in England, years ago, with an ex-girlfriend. I heard this scratching. I was about to go to bed and I was thinking, 'It's an old ghost.' I could hear this noise, but I couldn't work out where it was coming from.
For me, I still have feelings for all of my ex-girlfriends.
In different parts of my life, I would miss that person. There's something that drew me to that person, and I shared something with them.
Actually, when you're doing something you love, even when you're busy and it's hectic you don't feel the need to relax. I never used to take holidays and it would upset ex-wives and girlfriends, but working has me in a better mood than doing nothing.
I left my parents' home when I was 22, I moved to New York with my ex-girlfriend. We did a film together with Raul Julia.
I always used to say to my ex-girlfriends that I could never take a good photograph of them, because there was too much of an intimacy between us, but actually the real thing is, if there's a proper intimacy between you... I find it really compelling and exciting - it's quite good foreplay.
I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.
A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.
I'm really only capable to two emotions at this point: lust and hunger.
I lost revenge a few years back, and even then, it was reserved only for ex-girlfriends and particular football games that caused me to lose a lot of money.
And you're wasted with your ladies. Yeah I'm the reason why you always getting faded.
I'm not known for having great relationships with ex-girlfriends, but I've been able to continue one with (Gwyneth Paltrow) that's really valuable.
Currently I'm not a crazy ex-girlfriend, but I can't promise I won't be one again.
Dash is for sure straight!" Boomer announced.
"He has a super-pretty ex-girlfriend named Sofia, who I think he still has a thing for, and also, in seventh grade, there was a game of spin the bottle and it was my turn and I spun and it landed at Dash, but he wouldn't let me kiss him.
I think sensitive is the wrong description of me.
I'm British, actually, so quite bad at expressing myself in conversation, as any ex-girlfriend will tell you. I'm probably emotionally stunted.
When you are not missing something, longing for something, you don't really think about it that much. It's like that girlfriend you don't want to have anymore. You don't think about her anymore. Or ex-husband. You just don't.
I've been insane for a long time. An ex-girlfriend of mine once asked, "Is it true that all comedians are depressed?," and I said, "Every one I know is."
I got caught kissing my dad's ex-girlfriend - at his wedding!
I cried when my ex-girlfriend sent me a text message saying how much she liked my present to her.
Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine.
Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT.
All my life there's always been an ex-wife or a girlfriend.
I don't like when performers rag on their ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend in absentia. If they're not there, it just feels rude... I'm never going to say anything personal about myself on stage. That's my new goal.
President Obama is in China. Also in China is evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin. They're both in China at the same time. It's like running into your ex-girlfriend on vacation.
An ex-girlfriend once got upset when I told her that music is the most important thing in my life. It's more important than anyone else could ever be. I don't want to be overly dramatic and say it's the only thing that gets me up and keeps me going. But people in your life come and go. As you go through your life, you make friendships, you break friendships, you have relationships. Music is the one thing I've always been able to rely on.
For example, you can go on all the pro-life chat rooms and say you're an outraged right-wing voter and that you know that George Bush drove an ex-girlfriend to an abortion clinic and paid for her to get an abortion.Then you go to an anti-immigration website chat room and ask, "What's all this about George Bush proposing amnesty for illegal aliens?"
It's fun to branch out a bit. I feel like I've held a lot of tricks up my sleeve for a lot of years, and 'Ex-Girlfriends' is a good way to show another side of me.
When did the government become our psycho ex-girlfriend
I don't like vampire movies or zombie movies.
I went to see 'I Am Legend' with an ex-girlfriend the other day, and I immediately realised it was a zombie movie! You know what I mean? There are certain rules, and those rules are things that you've seen many times.