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People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Isaac Asimov

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain

Life is hard. After all, it kills you. Katharine Hepburn

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap. Kevin James

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. Joan Rivers

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. Steven Wright

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. Tim Allen

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. George Carlin

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. P. J. O'Rourke

What's another word for Thesaurus? Steven Wright

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Margaret Mead

When I was a child, my mother said to me, 'If you become a soldier, you'll be a general. if you become a monk you'll end up as the pope.' Instead I became a painter and wound up as Picasso. Pablo Picasso

When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic. Jane Wagner

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen

Authors with quotes about fun
Don Rickles
Joan Rivers
Jerry Seinfeld
Spike Milligan

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