When a woman becomes her own best friend life is easier.— Diane von Furstenberg
Almighty Funniest quotations
Booze, broads and bullshit. If you got all that, what else do you need?
Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it.
Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
I don't think there's anybody in this organization not focused on the 49ers...I mean Chargers.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Happiness is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.
They don't think it be like it is, but it do.
Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye.
I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.
I quit school in the sixth grade because of pneumonia.
Not because I had it, but because I couldn't spell it.
I've learned that you can't make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.
Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice.
This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.
When you're rich, you don't write checks. Straight cash, homey.
We must have had 99 per cent of the match. It was the other three per cent that cost us.
When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you're getting your ass hammered by guys, there's no better feeling than to have that done.
I can dribble with my right hand and I can dribble with my left hand. I'm amphibious.
I've never lost a game I just ran out of time.
Because there are no fours.
What I do know is that traditional gender roles are very real and flipping the norm is difficult for even the strongest, funniest, smartest men.
You can sum up this sport in two words: You never know.
Most football players are temperamental. That's 90 percent temper and 10 percent mental.
The only thing that keeps this organization from being recognized as one of the finest in baseball is wins and losses at the major league level.
Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try.' Homer Simpson
They say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I wish they'd make up their minds.
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame.
Weaseling out of things is important to learn.
It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.
You can't put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories.
When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces.
..I just know they're about to jab me with something.
Statistics are like bikinis-they show a lot but not everything.
I feel like I'm the best, but you're not going to get me to say that.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.