Funniest Quotes Page 2

But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

What's the difference between a three-week-old puppy and a sportswriter? In six weeks, the puppy stops whining.

Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today.

I'm shooting in Brooklyn, we've got all kinds of crap going on, and I'm all alone now in a big hotel suite that you can't believe the size of it and a thing sticks in my foot and I just think it's the funniest thing that's ever happened to me.

You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women.

You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

The Mets just had their first .500-or-better April since July of 1992.

Ninety percent of this game is half mental.

Homer no function beer well without.

Change is not a four letter word...but often your reaction to it is!

Democracy in many parts of the world is undergoing a very deep crisis.

Politics is becoming a branch of the entertainment industry. People vote not for the best leader, but for the funniest candidate.

Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. That's the funniest joke in the world.

Mausoleum, n: the final and funniest folly of the rich.

You guys line up alphabetically by height.

The funniest people are the saddest once

The capacity for friendship is God's way of apologizing for our families.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know.

He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals flaming.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Ron Swanson is more than the MVP of the 'Parks and Recreation' squad, more than just the funniest character on TV - he's the perfect depiction of aggrieved American manhood at the twilight of the empire.

I own four copies of Robin WIlliams's Live on Broadway comedy special for HBO.

One in Wilmington, one in L.A., one in my trailer, and one at my parents' house. I can watch it over and over again and it never gets old. He is the funniest, wittiest man on the planet!

I guess good things come to those who wait.

I believe that everyone should be treated as an individual.

Women should be treated equally in the right to vote, sure. But if Im paying to see a comedy, then I just want to see whos funniest, with everyone treated equally.

Guilt, remorse. It's what separates us from the animals.

Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college, where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something.

I think one of the funniest things about '30 Rock' is that Liz Lemon is sort of like Buster Keaton - she's always the fool, the joke is always on her.

When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!

The Germans only have one player under 22, and he's 23!

Love is like war; easy to begin, hard to end.

You can't make someone love you, all you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in

I've always wondered if there was a God. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

You call it madness, but I call it love.

I've never seen anyone go on the DL with pulled fat.

And it's the funniest thing: as soon as I see it, the whistling in my ears stops and the feeling of terror drains away, and I realize this whole time I haven't been falling at all. I've been floating.

Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever.

Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.