I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."— Mitch Hedberg
Most Powerful Funny Bank quotations
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.
& I'm all up all up all up in the bank with the funny face
The essays in The Great Taos Bank Robbery were my project to win a Master of Arts degree in English when I quit being a newspaper editor and went back to college.
Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag.
That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag
Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
I rob banks because that's where the money is.
They say Yogi Berra is funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that?
Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.
Bankers are just like anybody else, only richer
It is not the job of mathematicians... to do correct arithmetical operations. It is the job of bank accountants.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
There are few, if any, Canadian men that have never spelled their name in a snow bank.
A bank book makes good reading - better than some novels.
Everybody is afraid they won't have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.
Congratulations on your job at the bank! Yes.
You work for the bank. After taxes, your largest expense is your mortgage and credit-card debt.
In the first batch of readers, back in the '60s and '70s, the criminal class was still literate, so I would get letters from people in prison; they thought that I was somebody whom they could shop-talk with, and they would tell me very funny stories. I got a lot of those. Guys who were going to wind up doing 10 to 15 for bank robbery, yes, were reading my books.
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in ten thousand pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over fourteen thousand dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him.
[Oliver North is a] document-shredding, Constitution-trashing, Commander in Chief-bashing, Congress-thrashing, uniform-shaming, Ayatollah-loving, arms-dealing, criminal-protecting, résumé-enhancing, Noriega-coddling, Social Security-threatening, public school-denigrating, Swiss-banking-law-breaking, letter-faking, self-serving, election-losing, snake-oil salesman who can't tell the difference between the truth and a lie.
There is only one kind of life insurance, and that is pure protection based on a mortality table. All others are pure protection plus a cash value element that I call 'funny' banking.
I've always wanted to work with Elizabeth Banks.
She's so talented and funny, and she's become this force of nature - directing, producing. Being around her is kind of inspiring.
Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony. Of course it's going ot be weird when they're announcing all the countries, and he's like 'Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there.'
Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
It's funny how people mark their lives, the benchmarks they choose to decide when the moment is more of a moment than any other. For life is made of them. I like to think the best ones of all are in my mind, that they run through my blood in their own memory bank for no one else but me to see.
Don't do it! Stay away from your potential.
You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.