Funny Bar Quotes

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.

If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm.

Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

In terms of the creative side of it, it's really been a thing where you come up with the funny stuff is usually at a bar or out talking to people or whatever.

In heaven there is no beer. That's why we drink ours here.

I went to the worst of bars hoping to get killed but all I could do was to get drunk again.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Nickelback walks into a bar...there's no punchline because ruining music isn't funny.

It's better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money.

Drinking beer doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean...Against bars, tables, chairs, and poles.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.

Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

No soldier can fight unless he is properly fed on beef and beer.

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate.

That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.

A horrid alcoholic explosion scatters all my good intentions like bits of limbs and clothes over the doorsteps and into the saloon bars of the tawdriest pubs.

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool.

Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

I feel sorry for people who do not have a Bible to lean on.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

He that drinks fast, pays slow. Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. There can't be good living where there is not good drinking.

Nothing on Earth is so beautiful as the final haul on Halloween night.

Something horrible happens and I try to make it funny.

It's really a tortured life. You go to a salsa bar, at your local burrito stand, and you know, you think "how can you make a joke about this?"

I like my whisky old and my women young.

Kerouac opened a million coffee bars and sold a million pairs of Levis to both sexes. Woodstock rises from his pages.

A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

The water was not fit to drink. To make it palatable, we had to add whisky. By diligent effort, I learned to like it.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.

It doesn't really exist, this Frat Pack.

We run into each other on occasions and we all like each other's films, I guess, but there isn't some big funny restaurant or bar where we all hang out. At least, if there is, they haven't invited me.

I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over.

God created whammy bars for people who don't know how to solo.

I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"

Being effective at social media, whether for business or personal use, means capturing people who have short attention spans. They're only a click away from a picture of a funny cat, so you have to make your thing more compelling than that cat. And that can be a high bar.

Europe is scooters. Europe is five young people on one bench sharing a chocolate bar. Their idea of entertainment and fun is so much different than ours, which is exactly why a movie about them would be funny.

I like to do my principal research in bars, where people are more likely to tell the truth or, at least, lie less convincingly than they do in briefings and books.

You know, fame is a funny thing, man, especially, you know, actors, musicians, rappers, rock singers, it's kind of a lifestyle and it's easy to get caught up in it - you go to bars, you go to clubs, everyone's doing a certain thing... It's tough.