This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.— Anthony Jeselnik
Jaw-dropping Funny Christmas quotations
To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.
Peace on earth will come to stay, When we live Christmas every day.
Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time.
Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different.
Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas.
My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?
You're at your best when you don't know what you're doing.
I tried to be normal once. Worst to minutes of my life.
When you don't know what you're doing, fake it.
Christmas is the day that holds all time together.
Don't let the past steal your present. This is the message of Christmas: We are never alone.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
I truly believe that if we keep telling the Christmas story, singing the Christmas songs, and living the Christmas spirit, we can bring joy and happiness and peace to this world.
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.
Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
Come to me. I want to plow you like a Calgary driveway at Christmas.
Trust me, You can dance.
Christmas is a necessity. There has to be at least one day of the year to remind us that we're here for something else besides ourselves.
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist.
And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends.
Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight.
You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?
There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus;
he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To you, respect.
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime.
Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.
Santa is having a tough time this year.
Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list
Know what you're talking about.
Let's be pretty kind. Pretty funny. Pretty smart. Pretty strong
Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
One can never have enough socks
Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family.
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure can rent it for awhile.
Not a creature was stirring, not even an elf.
Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance.
The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
Great little One! whose all-embracing birth Lifts Earth to Heaven, stoops Heaven to Earth.
Heap on more wood! - the wind is chill;
But let it whistle as it will, We'll keep our Christmas merry still.
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.
Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.