Funny Comedy Quotes

I think pimp, therefore i am.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

A drug is not bad. A drug is a chemical compound. The problem comes in when people who take drugs treat them like a license to behave like an asshole.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave.

Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

In Russia we only had two TV channels.

Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.

Tragedy is a close-up; comedy, a long shot.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Your face makes my soul want to eat chocolate pudding!

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant...because I believe in myself.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.

I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.

Just hit the blunt one time and see if it don't change your perception on whats important in your life.

I saw Hulk Hogan the other day in a parking lot, and I couldn't tell from a distance if it was Hulk Hogan or not. And I realized I've never had that dilemma before. I've always been able to tell immediately when looking at anybody if they were or were not Hulk Hogan.

Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

If you are a great dramatic actor then you often don't know if people are enjoying your stuff at all because they are sitting there in silence. But with comedy it's a simple premise. If it's funny, people laugh. If it's not, they don't.

Analysing comedy is like dissecting a frog. Nobody laughs and the frog dies.

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

The American audience has really opened up to women being A.

) funny and B.) kinda crude. 'Bridesmaids' is R-rated, and I think it was a major coup for women to have an R-rated comedy that did really well. Same as 'Bad Teacher.'

Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever;

he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.

My father was a really funny guy. He lived a good long life. And he was the reason I wanted to be funny and become a comedian and a comedy writer, so to say that he's somewhat of a mythic figure in my life would be an understatement.

It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.

Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both ... different. In spelling.

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'

I think people like comedies and I think concept driven comedies seem to be working when it's a clear concept and you deliver funny stuff.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? And I was thinking, "Why don't they just call that the female seahorse?" You know it's just some stubborn scientist. "Yeah, that one there's the male seahorse." And his assistant's like, "Uh, Bill, that one's having a baby." ... "The male has the baby. You're fired."

I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen.

And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

Steven Alan Green is ONE funny writer ---- Everything I read of yours makes me laugh and think - Not just the kind words about meBut the insights you have for the Comedy racket.You're Barbara Hershey, we are beaches.

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children.

Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.