Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
— Billy Connolly
Wonderful Funny Joke quotations
Being broke is a joke, I never found it funny / That's why I count my blessings / As much as I count my money...
If I hadn't been told I was garbage, I wouldn't have learned how to show people I'm talented. And if everyone had always laughed at my jokes, I wouldn't have figured out how to be so funny. If they hadn't told me I was ugly, I never would have searched for my beauty. And if they hadn't tried to break me down, I wouldn't know that I'm unbreakable.
If any of you cry at my funeral I'll never speak to you again.
I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.
There's two types of hecklers. If someone says something really funny it's normally them heckling as part of the show. They're trying to add onto one of your jokes. If someone says something really funny, I've never seen a comedian abuse them, you always sort of tip your hat a little bit if they nail it.
The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him.
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.
I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is.
I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.
Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday.
I tell them, a paternity suit.
There are three things I have learned never to discuss with people.
..religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin!
I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.
You like the girl," Alasdair offered.
Nassar leveled a heavy gaze at him. "Lillian said you tried to be funny in the car. I told her it couldn't possibly be true. The moment you try to make a joke, the sky shall split and the Four Horsemen will ride out, heralding Apocalypse.
If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.
I love funny people, and when I'm with funny people, or people who are amusing in their weirdness, I love it. Because that to me is funny, as opposed to someone who stops and says, 'Hey let me tell you a joke.'
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers.
It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.
Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.
When one door closes, another one opens.
When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues generally present him with a watch.
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
This is a youth-oriented society, and the joke is on them because youth is a disease from which we all recover.
You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.
Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.
You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.
You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave.
The good Lord in his ultimate wisdom gave us three things to make life bearable: hope, jokes, and dogs, but the greatest of these was dogs.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.