Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.— Mark Twain
Tempting Funny Life quotations
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.
We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.
And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.
A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.
love the life you live. live the life you love.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.
Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary.
Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!
Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different.
God created war so that Americans would learn geography.
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.
The most important thing to do in your life is to not interfere with somebody else's life.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.
Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it.
Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
Life would be tragic if it weren't funny. Laugh at the Absurdity of Life
Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself -- to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart
I consider myself a crayon... I may not be your favorite color but one day you'll need me to complete your picture.
You can change your wife, your politics, your religion, but never, never can you change your favourite football team.
Life is funny. Things change, people change, but you will always be you, so stay true to yourself and never sacrifice who you are for anyone.
If you are in trouble anywhere in the world, an airplane can fly over and drop flowers, but a helicopter can land and save your life.
You don't get another chance, life is no Nintendo game.
When a woman becomes her own best friend life is easier.
Life is a nacho. It can be yummy-crunchy or squishy-yucky. It just depends on how long it takes for you to start eating it.
Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z.
Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
We need to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles, work.
Or waffles, friends, work, it doesn't matter. But work is third.