Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.— Mark Twain
Tempting Funny Life quotations
For what it's worth: it's never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you're proud of, and, if you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start over.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.
There comes a point in your life when you need to stop reading other people's book and write your own.
We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
Some days I wish I could go back in life. Not to change anything, but to feel a few things twice.
If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade.
And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.
A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.
love the life you live. live the life you love.
Never be a prisoner of your past. It was just a lesson, not a life sentence.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip top if you must, but take the step.
Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary.
Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!
The secret to living well and longer is: eat half, walk double, laugh triple and love without measure.
Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different.
God created war so that Americans would learn geography.
The most important thing to do in your life is to not interfere with somebody else's life.
Getting knocked down in life is a given. Getting up and moving forward is a choice.
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.
Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it.
Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.
Don't wait for everything to be perfect before you decide to enjoy your life.
Life would be tragic if it weren't funny. Laugh at the Absurdity of Life
I consider myself a crayon... I may not be your favorite color but one day you'll need me to complete your picture.
A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself -- to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart
Don't compare your life to others. There's no comparison between the sun and the moon. They shine when it's their time.
You can change your wife, your politics, your religion, but never, never can you change your favourite football team.
Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
If you are in trouble anywhere in the world, an airplane can fly over and drop flowers, but a helicopter can land and save your life.
Life is like a piano, the white keys represent happiness and the black shows sadness, but as you go through life's journey, remember that the black keys also makes music.
Life is funny. Things change, people change, but you will always be you, so stay true to yourself and never sacrifice who you are for anyone.
You don't get another chance, life is no Nintendo game.
When a woman becomes her own best friend life is easier.
Today I will go out with the flow of life and trust the process. I will not stress over things I can't control.
Life is a nacho. It can be yummy-crunchy or squishy-yucky. It just depends on how long it takes for you to start eating it.
Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.
If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z.
Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
We need to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles, work.
Or waffles, friends, work, it doesn't matter. But work is third.