To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.— Steven Wright
Whopping Funny One Liner quotations
One day, you will wake up and there won't be any more time to do the thing you've always wanted. Do it now.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
You're a work of art. Not everyone will understand you, but the ones who do, will never forget about you.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
One bad chapter does not mean your story is over.
I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one way; wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
One of the most important decisions you'll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or try harder.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
Sometimes the strongest people are the ones who love beyond all faults, cry behind closed doors and fight battles that nobody knows about.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Bacteria: The only culture some people have.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
You have to be odd to be number one.
I don't suffer from my insanity -- I enjoy every minute of it.
Don't take life too seriously.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The woman who follows the crowd will usually go on further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
I think of myself as a theatre comic instead of club comic because I tend to talk for a bit before I start being funny. I don't really do the one-liners and five second bits or whatever. But it's good to work stuff out sometimes.
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.
I don't think of any sentence as a "one-liner", but I do pay attention to how people actually speak when they are being funny. Rhythm is key.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
How do you know when you're finished making love?
Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.
[Arnold Schwarzenegger] is funny. Some great one-liners, some great banter between him and the contestants [on "The Apprentice" ]. And he's good!