Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.— Mark Twain
Delighting Funny People quotations
You can't change how people treat you or what they say about you. All you can do is change how you react to it.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.
There comes a point in your life when you need to stop reading other people's book and write your own.
Give my people plenty of beer, good beer, and cheap beer, and you will have no revolution among them.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Maturity is learning to walk away from people and situation that threaten your peace of mind, self respect, values, morals and self worth.
If I hadn't been told I was garbage, I wouldn't have learned how to show people I'm talented. And if everyone had always laughed at my jokes, I wouldn't have figured out how to be so funny. If they hadn't told me I was ugly, I never would have searched for my beauty. And if they hadn't tried to break me down, I wouldn't know that I'm unbreakable.
Penicillin cures, but wine makes people happy.
Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.
Thinking is difficult, that's why most people judge.
Life is funny. Things change, people change, but you will always be you, so stay true to yourself and never sacrifice who you are for anyone.
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things.
If life gives you lemons, make apple juice and make people wonder how the hell you did it.
Our hopes are high. Our faith in the people is great. Our courage is strong. And our dreams for this beautiful country will never die.
If you believe in Odin and Thor, people laugh themselves to death.
While it's okay to believe in a man who turned water into wine, and walked on water
Everyone comes with baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack.
A dog reflects the family life. Whoever saw a frisky dog in a gloomy family, or a sad dog in a happy one? Snarling people have snarling dogs, dangerous people have dangerous ones.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
At age 20, we worry about what others think of us.
At age 40, we don't care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven't been thinking of us at all.
The planet does not need more "successful people". The planet desperately needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers and lover of all kinds.
Too many people, when they get old, think that they have to live by the calendar.
He who is of a calm and happy nature, will hardly feel the pressure of age
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
Intelligent people tend to have less friends than the average person. The smarter you are, the more selevtive you become.
A person isn't considered insane if there are a number of people who believe the same way. Insanity isn't supposed to be a communicable disease. If one other person starts to believe him, or maybe two or three, then it's a religion.
There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends.
I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.
People are generally irrational, unreasonable and selfish. They deserve to be loved, anyway.
When you start seeing your worth, you'll find it harder to stay around people who don't.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday.
People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
Some people look for a beautiful place, others make a place beautiful.
At sixteen, I was a funny, skinny little thing, all eyelashes and legs.
And then, suddenly people told me it was gorgeous. I thought they had gone mad.
The less you respond to negative people, the more peaceful your life will become.
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking.
Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
When people tell me they've learned from experience, I tell them the trick is to learn from other people's experience.
One reason so few of us achieve what we truly want is that we never direct our focus; we never concentrate our power. Most people dabble their way through life, never deciding to master anything in particular.
Stay close to people who feel like sunlight.
As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.
There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex.
People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats.
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.
If you're gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.
...and the funny thing was that people who weren't entirely certain they were right always argued much louder than other people, as if the main person they were trying to convince were themselves.