Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
— Mark Twain
Delighting Funny People quotations
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Penicillin cures, but wine makes people happy.
Life is funny. Things change, people change, but you will always be you, so stay true to yourself and never sacrifice who you are for anyone.
Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
Give my people plenty of beer, good beer, and cheap beer, and you will have no revolution among them.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
If I hadn't been told I was garbage, I wouldn't have learned how to show people I'm talented. And if everyone had always laughed at my jokes, I wouldn't have figured out how to be so funny. If they hadn't told me I was ugly, I never would have searched for my beauty. And if they hadn't tried to break me down, I wouldn't know that I'm unbreakable.
If life gives you lemons, make apple juice and make people wonder how the hell you did it.
Our hopes are high. Our faith in the people is great. Our courage is strong. And our dreams for this beautiful country will never die.
If you believe in Odin and Thor, people laugh themselves to death.
While it's okay to believe in a man who turned water into wine, and walked on water
At age 20, we worry about what others think of us.
At age 40, we don't care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven't been thinking of us at all.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
A dog reflects the family life. Whoever saw a frisky dog in a gloomy family, or a sad dog in a happy one? Snarling people have snarling dogs, dangerous people have dangerous ones.
Some people look for a beautiful place, others make a place beautiful.
He who is of a calm and happy nature, will hardly feel the pressure of age
Too many people, when they get old, think that they have to live by the calendar.
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
A person isn't considered insane if there are a number of people who believe the same way. Insanity isn't supposed to be a communicable disease. If one other person starts to believe him, or maybe two or three, then it's a religion.
People are generally irrational, unreasonable and selfish. They deserve to be loved, anyway.
There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends.
I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.
A drug is not bad. A drug is a chemical compound. The problem comes in when people who take drugs treat them like a license to behave like an asshole.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday.
People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking.
Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
At sixteen, I was a funny, skinny little thing, all eyelashes and legs.
And then, suddenly people told me it was gorgeous. I thought they had gone mad.
There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex.
People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats.
As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.
One reason so few of us achieve what we truly want is that we never direct our focus; we never concentrate our power. Most people dabble their way through life, never deciding to master anything in particular.
When people tell me they've learned from experience, I tell them the trick is to learn from other people's experience.
If you're gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.