I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?— George Carlin
Lust Funny Sarcastic quotations
To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!
Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different.
What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
I tried to be normal once. Worst to minutes of my life.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target
I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.
It's better to be a dictator than gay.
Trust me, You can dance.
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.
Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one way; wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Political correctness is tyranny with manners.
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
There are no nudists in cold areas.
The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.
Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious.
Everyone smiles in the same language.
If you think research is expensive, try disease!
Let's be pretty kind. Pretty funny. Pretty smart. Pretty strong
The true God, the mighty God, is the God of ideas.
I grew up as a very sarcastic person.
I was always the class clown, and to date girls I had to be really funny. I was really skinny growing up.
I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family.
Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure can rent it for awhile.
My daughter got me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. So we know she's sarcastic.
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
What are we doing here? Has something gone wrong?” “Oh no, Ron,” came Fred’s voice, very sarcastically. “No, this is exactly where we wanted to end up.
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
People always tell me "Have a nice day.
" Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking.
And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
You know you're getting old when everything hurts. And what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
We have so much time and so little to do. Strike that, reverse it.