quote by Woody Allen

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

— Woody Allen

Vibrant Funny Sex quotations

There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

Funny sex quote To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone
To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.

Men marry women with the hope they will never change.

Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

Funny sex quote Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything
Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different.

Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.

God created sex. Priests created marriage.

When others kid me about being bald, I simply tell them that the way I figure it, the good Lord only gave men so many hormones, and if others want to waste theirs on growing hair, that's up to them.

Funny sex quote I tried to be normal once. Worst to minutes of my life.
I tried to be normal once. Worst to minutes of my life.
45

I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.

For women, the best aphrodisiacs are words.

The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

Funny sex quote Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.

There is nothing wrong with going to bed with someone of your own sex.

People should be very free with sex, they should draw the line at goats.

Yes. I guess it's the foolish romantic in me, but you see, I don’t think that sex is my Muse.

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

Funny sex quote Sex relieves tension - love causes it.
Sex relieves tension - love causes it.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.

Desire is in men a hunger, in women only an appetite.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right.

When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

Funny sex quote A slutty girl is like the first piece of bread in a loaf, everybody touches it b
A slutty girl is like the first piece of bread in a loaf, everybody touches it but nobody wants it.

Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good;

and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.

A promiscuous person is a person who is getting more sex than you are.

Last time I went Intercity there were a couple across the aisle having sex.

Of course, this being a British train, nobody said anything. Then they finished, they both lit up a cigarette and this woman stood up and said, Excuse me, I think you'll find this is a non-smoking compartment.

Funny sex quote Trust me, You can dance.
Trust me, You can dance.
25

Friendship is love minus sex and plus reason. Love is friendship plus sex minus reason

I think that making love is the best form of exercise.

Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie.

Funny sex quote I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex.

Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed.

Maybe they just need to run free until they find someone just as wild to run with them. -Carrie Bradshaw

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

Funny sex quote From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

Isn't it interesting how the sounds are the same for an awful nightmare and great sex?

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Pornography is supposed to arouse sexual desires.

If pornography is a crime, when will they arrest makers of perfume?

Funny sex quote Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind.

In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it's a cure.

Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion.

Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

It's funny, when you start talking about primitive scenes, so many people have seen their parents having sex.

Funny sex quote I don't have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination.
I don't have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination.
21

Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.

Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us.

So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!"

I tend to think that cricket is the greatest thing that God ever created on earth - certainly greater than sex, although sex isn't too bad either.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"