I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?— George Carlin
Superior Funny Thoughts quotations
The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.
A businessman cannot force you to buy his product;
if he makes a mistake, he suffers the consequences; if he fails, he takes the loss. If bureaucrat makes a mistake, you suffer the consequences; if he fails, he passes the loss on to you.
If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z.
Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut
Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person;
having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.
If you have a bad thought about yourself, tell it to go to hell because that is exactly where it came from.
Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
However good or bad you feel about your relationship, the person you are with at this moment is the "right" person, because he or she is the mirror of who you are inside.
Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different.
At sixteen, I was a funny, skinny little thing, all eyelashes and legs.
And then, suddenly people told me it was gorgeous. I thought they had gone mad.
We should not laugh at the person who becoming caught up in his prayer bends his body or moves about in strange ways. Perhaps he moves in this manner to wave off unwelcome thoughts that would interrupt the prayer. Would we find it funny if we saw a person drowning going through strange motions doing whatever was necessary to save his life?
I often feel like the woman in your life is your driving force.
She's your muse. She plays a big role in determining how confident you feel when you walk out the door. She can add 1,000 kilowatts of energy - or drain that out of you. She said, "No, you're not that funny." I thought, She knows better than anyone.
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it.
In the Netherlands I read the first chapter of Exquisite Corpse to an audience that laughed in all the places I thought were funny - an experience I've never had in America!
Babies are always more trouble than you thought and more wonderful.
Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts.
There have been times when I felt suicidal and I would stop my head from going in that direction of negativity because I thought there'd be something I'd miss that was funny in the future. If there's a chance I'm going to laugh tomorrow then want to live to experience that.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Blogging is good for your career. A well-executed blog sets you apart as an expert in your field.
I tried to be normal once. Worst to minutes of my life.
I thought I should go to New York because it was the place to go to study.
I went and tried to get an application from the Juilliard School but they wouldn't even give me one because I didn't have my high school graduation.
Yes, I thought I was joining Manchester United, I was misled by all involved.
I wasnt aware of another Manchester team
There aren't any hard women, only soft men.
Empty Minds Make The Most Noise!
I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing.
.. maybe you've got to attack him while he's in the shower, Harry.
The elevator to success is out of order, but the stairs are always open.
I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church.
How amazing is it to find someone who wants to hear about all the things that go in your head.
We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought.
The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly it obviously has hilarious results when you can't sing.
I've always thought that a big laugh is a really loud noise from the soul saying, "Ain't that the truth."
One small positive thought in the morning can change you whole day.
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six.
Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again.
" because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
When anybody laughs, he has no mind, no thought, no problem, no suffering.
Be the silent watcher of your thoughts and behavior. You are beneath the thinker. You are the stillness beneath the mental noise. You are the love and joy beneath the pain.
I tried to talk my daughter out of going with a hockey player but, he's a good kid. He asked me if he could marry Carrie before he asked her. I said: You want to what? I thought he was just going to ask for more ice time.
I’ve often thought it unfair that women are expected to stay at home when there’s a fight to be won. If a woman has the strength to bear a child, she can swing a sword as well as any man.
My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!
It's funny, how one can look back on a sorrow one thought one might well die of at the time, and know that one had not yet reckoned the tenth part of true grief.
All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought