Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.— Mark Twain
Gorgeous Humorist quotations
God created war so that Americans would learn geography.
I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag.
I don't think I was awake for much of my childhood.
I did a lot of napping. This might have been a defensive measure against encroaching depression. Until about the age of eleven or twelve, I had zero interests other than trying to steal gumballs from supermarket gumball machines.
Do not complain about growing old. It is a privilege denied to many.
When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.
If at first you don't succeed-try, try again.
Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as timed-release success.
Life is a cruel, horrible joke and I am the punch line.
Opinions are like nipples, everybody has one.
Some have firm points, others are barely discernible through layers, and some are displayed at every opportunity regardless of whether the audience has stated "I am interested in your nipples" or not.
Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.
Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.
Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.
If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.
HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick.
Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.
The man who offers an insult writes it in sand, but for the man who receives it, it's chiseled in bronze.
Until you go to Kentucky and with your own eyes behold the Derby, you ain't never been nowhere and you ain't seen nothin'!
What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you
They proved that if you quit smoking, it will prolong your life.
What they haven't proved is that a prolonged life is a good thing. I haven't seen the stats on that yet.
Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
The only time you should look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure that they have enough. You don't look in your neighbor's bowl to see if you have as much as them.
All of us contain Music & Truth, but most of us can't get it out.
It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.
Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.
I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself, but in so doing, he identifies himself with people --that is, people everywhere, not for the purpose of taking them apart, but simply revealing their true nature.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself, but in so doing, he identifies himself with people - that is, people everywhere, not for the purpose of taking them apart, but simply revealing their true nature.
I'm a classic example of all humorists - only funny when I'm working.
We should make the poor uncomfortable and kick them out of poverty.
Every man is a moon; he has a side no one sees.
It is difficult to be sat on all day, every day, by some other creature, without forming an opinion on them. On the other hand, it is perfectly possible to sit all day, every day, on top of another creature and not have the slightest thought about them whatsoever.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
A humorist is a person who feels bad, but who feels good about it.
But in this country we have one great privilege which they don't have in other countries. When a thing gets to be absolutely unbearable the people can rise up and throw it off. That's the finest asset we've got - the ballot box.
It is often said that before you die your life passes before your eyes.
It is in fact true. It's called living.