Humorous Quotes

The challenge of leadership is to be strong, but not rude;

be kind, but not weak; be bold, but not bully; be thoughtful, but not lazy; be humble, but not timid; be proud, but not arrogant; have humor, but without folly.

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.

Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going.

There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

If exposure of body is modernism, then animals are more modern than humans.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

You may not be able to change a situation, but with humor you can change your attitude about it.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes.

After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Men marry women with the hope they will never change.

Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

When I sell liquor, it's bootlegging.

When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it's hospitality.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.

There was a knock on our dressing-room door.

Our manager shouted, 'Keith! Ron! The Police are here!' Oh, man, we panicked, flushed everything down the john. Then the door opened and it was Stewart Copeland and Sting.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

It is dangerous to be right in matters where established men are wrong.

If you're absent during my struggle, don't expect to be present during my success.

There's gon' be some stuff you gon' see that's gon' make it hard to smile in the future. But through whatever you see, through all the rain and the pain, you gotta keep your sense of humor. You gotta be able to smile through all this bullshit. Remember that.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

Humor is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it .

.. what you wish in your secret heart were not funny, but it is, and you must laugh. Humor is your own unconscious therapy. Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air, and you.

God created war so that Americans would learn geography.

You can change your wife, your politics, your religion, but never, never can you change your favourite football team.

There is no such thing as bad whiskey.

Some whiskeys just happen to be better than others. But a man shouldn't fool with booze until he's fifty; then he's a damn fool if he doesn't.

Laughter is the fireworks of the soul.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.

So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.