I look into eyes, shake their hand, pat their back, and wish them luck, but I am thinking, I am going to bury you.— Seve Ballesteros
Tempting Humorous Golf quotations
Golf is 20 percent mechanics and technique.
The other 80 pecent is philosophy, humor, tragedy, romance, melodrama, companionship, camaraderie, cussedness and conversation.
Keep your sense of humor. There's enough stress in the rest of your life not to let bad shots ruin a game you're supposed to enjoy.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"
Those years on the golf course as a caddie, boy, those people were something.
They were vulgar, some were alcoholics, racist, they were very difficult people to deal with. A lot of them didn't have a sense of humor.
Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at it.
That ideology was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs: The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the segregation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.
Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf.
The Japanese eat, sleep, and breathe golf;
the only thing they don't do is actually play it, because to get on a course, you have to make a reservation roughly 137 years in advance, which means that by the time you actually get to the first tee you are deceased. Of course, in golf this is not really a handicap.
Golf seems to me an arduous way to go for a walk. I prefer to take the dogs out.
I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.
Swing hard in case you hit it.
I had a wonderful experience on the golf course today.
I had a hole in nothing. Missed the ball and sank the divot.
I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.
A golf ball is like a clock. Always hit it at 6 o'clock and make it go toward 12 o'clock. But make sure you're in the same time zone.
I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.
Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.
There is no similarity between golf and putting;
they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.
If I had cleared the trees and drove the green, it would've been a great shot.
Golf, like the measles, should be caught young, for, if postponed to riper years, the results may be serious.
My mom's been having a hard time lately.
She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.
Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made.
God never said, "And let there be aluminum siding." Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree's on a golf course, all the better.
My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.
Some of us worship in churches, some in synagogues, some on golf courses...
There is absolutely nothing humorous at the Masters.
Here, small dogs do not bark and babies do not cry.
I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.
The biggest liar in the world is the golfer who claims he plays the game for exercise.
Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.
In my retirement I go for a short swim at least once or twice every day.
It's either that or buy a new golf ball.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. It's more complicated than that.
I play with friends, but we don't play friendly games.
The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.