Nobody has ever denied that when it comes to his trade - gigolo - John Forbes Kerry is one of the all-time greats. He's in the Gigolo Hall of Fame. See, a really good gigolo might snag one heiress in a lifetime with a nine-figure trust fund. Kerry has married two. When it comes to gigolos, he's Steve Jobs.— Howie Carr
Joyful John Kerry quotations
He spent more time on the road to Damascus than a Syrian camel driver.
And we thought nobody could fill John Kerry's flip-flops! ... [Romney's record was] anything but conservative until he changed all the light bulbs in his chandelier in time to run for President.
President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out.
Political experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well is because he's 'electable.' Hey, so was Al Gore - in fact, he even got elected and it didn't help him at all.
You see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He's at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows.
You've got people who didn't serve with John Kerry saying they did serve with John Kerry in the boat. With George Bush, we can't find anybody who did serve with him.
'Shrek 2' made over $120 million during its first week.
In a related story, John Kerry asked Shrek to marry him.
John Kerry's biography was central to his campaign.
Everybody who served in John Kerry's boat under his command save one has stood with him.
Why couldn't Obama have picked somebody respectable as his running mate, you know, like John Kerry did?
President Bush fell off his mountain bike down on his ranch in Texas.
A couple weeks ago, John Kerry fell off his bicycle. See, doesn't this make you miss President Clinton? That guy, he could ride anything without falling off.
According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain.
So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox - his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues.
John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president.
Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle.
The White House begun airing their TV commercials to re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 9/11 in the ads. He said, it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in order to get elected, unless of course, it's the Vietnam War.
...one is reminded that [John Kerry, D-MA] really just a better-looking Ted Kennedy, a richer Michael Dukakis.
John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa.
Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as the 'comeback kid.' That used to be Bill Clinton's name - because every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not.
Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit.
He said all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and marry it.
John Kerry is a sphincter. Okay, that's a bit juvenile.
If John Kerry had a dollar for every time he bragged about serving in Vietnam - oh wait, he does.
For more than 20 years, on every one of the great issues of freedom and security, John Kerry has been more wrong, more weak and more wobbly than any other national figure.
John Kerry believes in an America where hard work is rewarded.
I would never say John Kerry would be a great president.
I will say that George Bush has divided us; he has filled this country with hatred.
We did drive them [Iran] to the negotiating table.
And my successor, John Kerry, and President [Barack] Obama got a deal that put a lid on Iran's nuclear program without firing a single shot. That's diplomacy. That's coalition-building. That's working with other nations.
An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman.
When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'
I like John Kerry. I think he's intellectually curious and very thoughtful. I think he's deeply committed on issues like the environment. I think he's an internationalist, which I am.
During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage.
Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.
I think the country is very settled in a lot of ways, and we saw that after the Democratic Convention. I think a lot of the bump that we enjoyed came when John Kerry selected John Edwards as his running mate.
Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?
John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy.
Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take the country back? See, he knows how the wealthy think. He can spy on them at his country club, at his place in Palm Beach, at his house in the Hamptons. He's like a mole for the working man.
How about this John Kerry controversy? So he's out there in California, tells some kind of joke and it backfires. He's saying he botched the joke. ... This guy can lose elections he's not even in.
On a day when Osama bin Laden again threatened the United States and our allies, it is disturbing to realize that John Kerry neither recognizes nor understands the murderous ideology of our enemies and the threat they pose to our nation.
George Bush says what John Kerry did was noble. Yet he sees him being savaged by his own supporters.
I'm John Kerry, and I'm reporting for duty.
With 'swift-boating' now being used by the ignorant as a synonym for false charges, it's worth remembering that it was John Kerry who had to retract his statement about his secret Christmas mission to Cambodia, despite it having allegedly been 'seared, seared' into his memory.