The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him.— Oscar Wilde
Spectacular Marriage Jokes quotations
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Men should keep their eyes wide open before marriage, and half-shut afterwards.
Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers.
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and halfway closed there after.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
according to the old joke, married people are often like little boys bathing, who cry with chattering teeth to the boys on the shore, 'Do come in, it's so warm' - it is not always warm.
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
[Strong marriage] starts with being married to a remarkable person.
And I am. I jokingly say that I stood up in front of a crowd once and said, "Laura's the greatest first lady ever," and then realized my mother was in the audience.
When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.
In all of Western civilization, there have been societies that celebrating the homosexuality, the ancient Greeks. But they, in fact, protected the institution of marriage as a union between one man and one woman. They got the joke. And the American people get the joke.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
We have a marriage of people of various cultures coming together. It's not a joke. It's real.
It devastates me now that I have been reduced to a Hollywood statistic - another joke marriage.
Humor is so culturally based that when I try to tell a joke as me being a white American, if I tell other white Americans, they'll laugh. If I tell an African American, they might not laugh. In fact, they either might not find it funny, or they might find it offensive, and I didn't mean it to be offensive. So these are the sort of little things that build up over time, just like in a marriage. You know, the little things can build up over time.
The secret to a good marriage, as far as I am concerned, is a joke I make: Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
Thanks to feminism, women can now acquire status in two ways: through marriage or their own achievements. Cure cancer or marry the man who does, either way society will applaud. Unless he marries into the British royal family, it doesn't work that way for men. Wives shed no glory on their husbands. Having tea with Nancy Reagan is an honor; having tea with Denis Thatcher is a joke.
I planted some jokes in my wedding. Like, the organizers asked me to select music. So when I approached wife at the ceremony, they played the second movement from Shostakovich's 10th Symphony, which is usually known as the "portrait of Stalin." And then when we embraced, the music that they played was Schubert's "Death and the Maiden." I enjoyed this in a childish way! But marriage was all a nightmare and so on and so on.
God's great cosmic joke on the human race was requiring that men and women live together in marriage
I'm actually all for gay marriage. Just the thought of having a man around the house.
I am not against marriage - without marriage, ninety-nine percent jokes will disappear from the world. How I can be against marriage? I am all for it.
Why can't women tell jokes? Because we marry them!
Bad jokes, and gay marriage are destroying this country - but torture can save it.
Women joked amongst themselves: 'Why do you think a bride cries on her wedding day? It's for the love that this marriage is putting an end to for all eternity. Men may think a woman has no past- "you were born and then I married you"- but men are fools.
I have never fit into this town, this marriage, this skin.
I am the child who was picked last to play tag; I am the girl who laughed although she did not get the joke; I am the piecemeal part of you that you pretend doesn't exist, except it is all I am, all the time.