quote by Anthony Jeselnik

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

— Anthony Jeselnik

Restlessness My Girlfriend quotations

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore.

When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.

My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident.

Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.

I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

You are the best thing that's ever been mine.

You know, the man of my dreams might walk round the corner tomorrow.

I'm older and wiser and I think I'd make a great girlfriend. I live in the realm of romantic possibility.

My bed isn't made, I'm tired, I haven't slept well for two weeks.

I haven't been laid in a month. I don't have a girlfriend. I have a warrant for my arrest.

Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

We're getting ready to take over the world. My group of girlfriends - we're renegades.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

My girlfriend wants an open relationship.

I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone.

Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.

I did an interview once where I was asked who I found attractive and I went on about cartoons and Nala from 'The Lion King' - and it's a bit weird but various of my ex-girlfriends actually did look like Nala.

I learned hard lessons in life; I had to because I had so much happen: My mother died my sophomore year in high school. The next year, same day, my brother dropped dead. Two years after that, I got married because my girlfriend got pregnant. The year after my wedding, my father - who I had only recently met - died.

My girlfriend tells me if I'm doing a movie I'm a roller coaster of emotions all the time, but on "Boardwalk," because I've done it for so long and I'm so in tune with the character, she says I'm pretty happy most of the time.

I have one good girlfriend and then most of my friends are guys.

Which I love, because they're just like so easygoing and I love to play like Xbox and just chill out when I'm not working, so boys are probably the way to go for me.

Doing Saturday Night Live definitely affects my relationship with my girlfriend and with my family, because you feel so much pressure to do well that night. But I think everyone's grown to accept that and so they give me my space at the show.

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

It's important for me to treat a girlfriend with respect.

My mum would be horrified if I behaved any differently - and I have sisters, and would hate for them to be treated badly by guys.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'

A girlfriend? No thanks, I'd rather play nintendo and build my lego set!

I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.

Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion.

Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

Shah Rukh is not my girlfriend that I should remember him.

When I don't remember my past girlfriends, what will I remember Shah Rukh for?

I have a girlfriend. I give my heart to her. She's around, she's everywhere, we travel together. She's beautiful, she's gorgeous, she's everything you want in a woman. She doesn't complain.. but I can tune her out just enough.

I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

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