To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.— Steven Wright
Provocative One Liner quotations
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.
I can't just say the words, do a lot of one-liners.
I love each person I play; I have to be that person. I have to do him true.
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one way; wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage.
Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station….
I know I'm paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Nietzsche had a little one-liner on how to choose a wife.
He said, ''Are you willing to have a conversation with this woman for the next forty years?'' That's how to pick a wife.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
The idea of being a character who is kind of isolated, I can relate to that.
Bacteria: The only culture some people have.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
The most common one-liner in the Bible is, "Do not be afraid.
" Someone counted, and it occurs 365 times.
I don't suffer from my insanity -- I enjoy every minute of it.
Don't take life too seriously.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Hold your horses. I'm coming."... "From where I'm standing you're just breathing laboriously." The snow swam out of focus. "Breathing hard. Are you coming or just breathing hard. You've got to get your one-liners straight.
I circumnavigate the globe with a one-liner like latitude.
I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations.
One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.