To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.— Steven Wright
Provocative One Liner quotations
One day, you will wake up and there won't be any more time to do the thing you've always wanted. Do it now.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
You're a work of art. Not everyone will understand you, but the ones who do, will never forget about you.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
One bad chapter does not mean your story is over.
I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.
I can't just say the words, do a lot of one-liners.
I love each person I play; I have to be that person. I have to do him true.
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one way; wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.
One of the most important decisions you'll ever face in life is choosing whether to walk away or try harder.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage.
Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage.
Sometimes the strongest people are the ones who love beyond all faults, cry behind closed doors and fight battles that nobody knows about.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station….
I know I'm paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?
The woman who follows the crowd will usually go on further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
You have to be odd to be number one.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Nietzsche had a little one-liner on how to choose a wife.
He said, ''Are you willing to have a conversation with this woman for the next forty years?'' That's how to pick a wife.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.
The idea of being a character who is kind of isolated, I can relate to that.
Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them.
Bacteria: The only culture some people have.
The most common one-liner in the Bible is, "Do not be afraid.
" Someone counted, and it occurs 365 times.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
Never mistake knowledge for wisdom. One helps you make a living the other helps you make a life.
I don't suffer from my insanity -- I enjoy every minute of it.
Don't take life too seriously.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
One life. Just one. Why aren't we running like we are on fire towards our wildest dreams?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Hold your horses. I'm coming."... "From where I'm standing you're just breathing laboriously." The snow swam out of focus. "Breathing hard. Are you coming or just breathing hard. You've got to get your one-liners straight.
I circumnavigate the globe with a one-liner like latitude.
I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations.
One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place.