As a matter of fact, I am an uncle. I have nine nephews and nieces. I'm not sure if they think I'm all that quick with a quip. But I'm quick with a spank.— Dean Norris
Remarkable Quip quotations
If you ask the fish whether they'd rather have an oil spill or a season of fishing, I wouldn't be surprised if they'd vote for another blowout.
When someone abuses me I can defend myself, but against praise I am defenceless.
Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.
You and I have a rendezvous with destiny.
We will preserve for our children this, the last best hope of man on earth.
After India's victory in the war he was asked what would have happened if he had opted to be with the Pakistan Army at the time of partition in 1947, he quipped, then I guess Pakistan would have won.
Haste thee, Nymph, and bring with thee Jest, and youthful Jollity, Quips, and Cranks, and wanton Wiles, Nods, and Becks, and wreathed Smiles, Such as hang on Hebe's cheek, And love to live in dimple sleek; Sport that wrinkled Care derides, And Laughter holding both his sides.
Time goes too quickly. This is the advice that my mother should have given me from her hospital bed. Instead of vague, unknowable quips like "Be careful what you wish for," she should have told me time slides away on a hillside of loose shale and takes everything in its path - dreams, opportunities, hopes. And youth. It takes that fastest of all.
Supposing is good, but finding out is better.
On the news that the Tsar had sent the troops icons to boost their morals, General Dragomirov quipped: 'The Japanese are beating us with machine-guns, but never mind: we'll beat them with icons.
The Canteen Boy, the reason you feel bad for him and you can laugh is because he, and I guess a lot of my characters, they don't notice they're getting made fun of. So they'll say something back that's not that great a quip, but in their mind they won the argument.
I know that for America there will always be a bright dawn ahead.
Everything good in there, T? Niko quipped.
You need backup or anything? Bag of marshmallows to roast over that little campfire you just started?
If I have seen further than others, it is because I am surrounded by dwarfs.
Quips and Cranks and wanton Wiles, Nods and Becks and wreathèd Smiles.
I don't quite hear what you say, but I beg to differ entirely with you.
Because I am about to be devoured by poodles," I quip. "Remember me always, my love.
I have a lot of very close girlfriends and sisters - I'm from an all female family. My father often quips that even the cat was neutered!
In France everything is a matter for jest.
People make quips about the scaffold, about Napoleon's defeat on the banks of The Beresina, and about the barricades of our revolutions. So, at the assizes of the Last Judgment, there will always be a Frenchmen to crack a joke.
Newton said, "If I have seen further than others, it is because I've stood on the shoulders of giants." These days we stand on each other's feet!
He [Earl Scruggs] was really cool because he was very quiet, and he wouldn't say much, but then he would come out with a quip that was like so perfect and so brilliant, very smart.
People are clever, but almost no one ever devises an optimal quip precisely at the needed moment. Therefore, virtually all great one-liners are later inventions - words that people wished they had spouted, but failed to manufacture at the truly opportune instant.
The brain is an island in an osmotically homogeneous sea.
Ser Jaime?" Even in soiled pink satin and torn lace, Brienne looked more like a man in a gown than a proper woman."I am grateful, but...you were well away. Why come back?" A dozen quips came to mind, each crueler than the one before, but Jaime only shrugged. "I dreamed of you," he said.
God help me if I ever injure my back," Clayton quipped.
"God help you if you ever turn it," Whitney snapped, "for there'll surely be some heartbroken papa or cuckolded husband ready with a knife--if I don't murder you first.
A new idea is delicate. It can be killed by a sneer or a yawn; it can be stabbed to death by a quip and worried to death by a frown on the right man's brow.
I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage.
Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
Some libs took offense at my David Broder quip earlier.
In my own defense, I was taught in college it's OK to disrespect dead white males.
Warren Beatty once quipped that the best time for a wedding was noon, because if the marriage didn't work, you hadn't screwed up the entire day.
I will name you the degrees. The first, the Retort Courteous; the second, the Quip Modest; the third, the Reply Churlish; the fourth, the Reproof Valiant; the fifth, the Countercheck Quarrelsome; the sixth, the Lie with Circumstance; the seventh, the Lie Direct.
As Trevor Noah recently quipped, the US appears ready to crown its first African dictator: Donald Trump.
She [Gypsy Rose Lee] was a sophisticated self-satirist with a contagious delight in the comedy of sex. She was coy; she was sly; she always had a witty quip; she had an intensely dramatic presence.
Right at the core, the mainstream has it backwards.
Warren Buffett often quips that the first rule of investing is to not lose money, and the second rule is to not forget the first rule. Yet few investors approach the world with such a strict standard of risk avoidance.
Ralph Keyes calls quotation collectors "quotographers," the men and women who gather catchwords, watchwords, war words, winged words, maxims, mottos, sayings, and quips into books of a thousand pages. Through the centuries quotation collectors have saved quotations that would otherwise be lost.
For me, Twitter works best as a way of taking pictures of being stuck in traffic on the Brooklyn Bridge. If people really want to read really funny quips about life, parenting, and pop culture, then by all means read Michael Ian Black's tweets.