quote by Andy Borowitz

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

— Andy Borowitz

Uplifting Romney quotations

The moment is ripe for an experienced businessman to talk practical, prudent economics to the electorate - which is why Mitt Romney's political fortunes are steadily being resurrected from the grave.

I think especially in such an unstable economic environment, what people criticized him [Mitt Romney] for in 2008 his consistency, the fact that he was so strong, and I think people will find that appealing going into the 2012. That’s one of the things that I like about him — because he’s been consistent since he changed his mind.

I highly approve of Romney's decision to be kind and gentle to the retard.

I think what's going to hurt the Republicans enormously is the extremist position of Mitt Romney on the immigration issue and states like New Mexico, states like Colorado, Nevada, Arizona - and I think it's going to be the margin of victory for President Obama, a very narrow victory.

I was on NPR's All Things Considered yesterday.

The question was, 'You're on the torture rack, they're going to kill you, who are you going to vote for? Mitt Romney, or Barack Obama? I said, 'Look, I've climbed Mount Everest. I know how to do what it takes. Take this to the bank: I would rather die.'

A worker voting for Mitt Romney is like a chicken voting for Colonel Sanders.

If Mitt Romney was Santa Claus, he would fire the reindeer and outsource the elves.

Romney and Ryan would do a much better job running the country, and that's what everybody needs to know.

Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.

As a former lifelong Republican, it pains me to tell you that today's Republicans - and their standard-bearers, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan - just aren't up to the task. They're beholden to 'my way or the highway' bullies, indebted to billionaires who bankroll ads and allergic to the very idea of compromise.

Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.

He spent more time on the road to Damascus than a Syrian camel driver.

And we thought nobody could fill John Kerry's flip-flops! ... [Romney's record was] anything but conservative until he changed all the light bulbs in his chandelier in time to run for President.

Mitt Romney is predicting that as president, he will create 12 million jobs in his first term. Well, President Obama says a Romney presidency would result in lost jobs. Yeah, his and Biden's.

A Romney presidency will be awesome unless you're poor, sick, gay, female, Mexican or a dog.

Nobody cares that Mitt Romney is rich.

It’s Romney’s inability to understand the institutional advantage that he gains from the government’s tax code largesse that’s a little offensive to people. Especially considering Romney’s view on anyone else who looks to the government for things like, I don’t know, food and medicine.

I would not be a rose upon the wall A queen might stop at, near the palace-door, To say to a courtier, "Pluck that rose for me, It's prettier than the rest." O Romney Leigh! I'd rather far be trodden by his foot, Than lie in a great queen's bosom.

Ann Romney talking about middle class moms is like Chris Christie talking about a salad

Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down.

That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party into the 16th century.

And I think it's that time. And I think if you just step aside and Mr. Romney can kind of take over. You can maybe still use a plane. Though maybe a smaller one. Not that big gas guzzler you are going around to colleges and talking about student loans and stuff like that.

Maybe Governor Romney in the spirit of openness should tell us how much money he's made off of how many households that have been foreclosed by his investments.

We can go back to economic plans that are only designed to benefit the wealthiest among us, like Mitt Romney. Or we can keep moving forward with President Obama's vision for a growing economy that works for middle-class families in North Carolina and all across the country. For me, for North Carolina and for America, it's an easy choice.

Analysts may be correct that the presidential election won't primarily turn on entitlements reform, but by choosing Paul Ryan as his running mate, Mitt Romney can, contrary to conventional wisdom, make it a winning issue and lay the foundation for a reform mandate when he wins.

Mitt Romney is the guy who said corporations are people.

No, Governor Romney, corporations are not people.

To mark the hundredth anniversary of the Titanic, the Republicans have nominated Mitt Romney.

Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'

The principles that made this nation a great and powerful leader of the world, have not lost their meaning. They never will. We know we can bring this country back. I'm Mitt Romney. I believe in America. And I'm running for president of the United States.

I don't need some jerk like Romney, Santorum, Obama, Bush, Clinton or the rest of them telling me that they're my leaders. They couldn't lead me across the street.

I personally - if I were designing the tax code - would have a tax code in which Mitt Romney paid more than 13 percent, given what I know about the kind of investments he made money from.

I'm saying there is no way that I will do this, because it's really not me.

I know my strengths, and governor Romney needs to find someone who wants to run with him. There are many people who will do it very, very well, and I'll support the ticket.

Within the cult of Wall Street that forged Mitt Romney, making money justifies any behavior, no matter how venal.

A Romney-Ryan administration will protect and strengthen Medicare, for my Mom's generation, for my generation, and for my kids and yours.

No, Governor Romney, corporations are not people.

People have hearts, they have kids, they get jobs, they get sick, they cry, they dance. They live, they love, and they die. And that matters. That matters because we don't run this country for corporations, we run it for people.

It's not just a matter of whether you support Obama or Romney.

It's who they have coming with them. I always keep my powder dry, as they say in the military.

Frankly, Governor Romney in his career has created more jobs than the entire Obama cabinet combined, so he could actually talk about it.

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