quote by Bill Engvall

One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin' a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here's your sign.

— Bill Engvall

Most Powerful Yer quotations

Clouseau: Does yer dewg bite? Inn Keeper: No Clouseau: Nice Doggy (bends down to pet a dachshund - it snarls and bites him) I thought you said yer dewg did not bite! Inn Keeper: Zat . . . iz not my dog!

For oute of olde feldys, as men sey, Comyth al this newe corn from yer to yere;

And out of olde bokis, in good fey, Comyth al this newe science that men lere.

Love doesna always mean burning flashes o' passion.

Sometimes, it's jus' the warmth o' yer hearts as they beat yer day together." ~Old Woman Nora to her three wee granddaughters on a cold winter's night.

The first thing you find out when yer dog learns to talk is that dogs don't got nothing much to say. About anything. "Need a poo, Todd." "Shutup, Manchee." "Poo. Poo, Todd." "I said shut it."

Will you wear my ring so all the world knows yer mine?" Beck wasn't asking for her hand in marriage, but it was so close he might as well be. Riley was deeply touched and she struggled to find the right words. "Yes," she began. "I'd be proud to.

I can't face losin' ya, Riley. Yer all I got left in this world.” That brutal honesty again. He'd peeled away more armor, and this time he'd exposed his heart.

Ah, go boil yer heads, both of yeh", said Hagrid. “Harry — yer a wizard.

The law is a sort of hocus-pocus science, that smiles in yer face while it picks yer pocket: and the glorious uncertainty of it is of more use to the professors than the justice of it.

I went up a straight crooked lane and, I said 'No thanks, yes if yer please.

I don't really think of my narrator in terms of gender.

I think of them much more in basic emotional terms. As an author, you either love yer peeps or you don't. There's no such thing as a "masculine voice" or a "feminine voice". Men and women think and speak and act in, like, a zillion different ways. Also, as a gross generalization: women tend to live closer to their feelings than men.

Dubya! What in Tarnation!? Why, I'll tan yer hide fer this!So, what's sex like after fifty, anyway?

Yer feelin's is like ras'berry vinegar: if you're skeered to use 'em an' keep on savin' 'em, first thing you know they've done 'vaporated!

there ain't no use in dyin' 'fore yer time.

Lots of folks is walkin' 'round jes' as dead as they'll ever be.

what's life good fer anyhow? The minute you crawl into the world for no good reason of yer own, it's got you licked four ways from the ace.

When yer in a funk, people in love are a royal pain in the patookus.

My mum used to say to me, 'Spit on yer 'ands and take a fresh 'old.

' Keep going even if you have setbacks.

I am here to fix the problem with yer pheaun.

On the field you gives it, you takes it, and yer doon't fookin' groomble!

I've been writing verses For 60 years.

..phew! And d'yer know why I did it? T'was especially for you

There is a huge boom in autism right now because inattentive mothers and competitive dads want an explanation for why their dumb-ass kids can't compete academically, so they throw money into the happy laps of shrinks . . . to get back diagnoses that help explain away the deficiencies of their junior morons. I don't give a [bleep] what these crackerjack whack jobs tell you - yer kid is NOT autistic. He's just stupid. Or lazy. Or both.

All Chaos was once yer kingdom; verily, held ye dominion over the entire Pentaverse, but today ye was sore afraid in dark coners, nooks, and sink holes.

Ye have cast out yer brothers for devils and now complain ye, lamenting, that ye've been left to fight alone.

If the Devil's in yer pants make cheese with him.

The only place you belong is the place you can never go back.

And so yer always alone, forever and always.

Time goes on, even when yer not looking.

Hang on, Pa, don't reach for yer shotgun just yet," I said, grinning over the protective streak I found funny, when there wasn't actually anything to shelterme from. "We were just circlin' the wagons, not having an orgy." My dad suddenly looked like he might be sick. "Please don't ever say that word again." "Wagons?

It’s a trick Ben taught me to help settle my Noise.

You close yer eyes and as clearly and calmly as you can you tell yerself who you are, cuz that’s what gets lost in all that Noise.

I said I fell down. Ah. The ground bloodied your nose, split yer lip, and punched ye in th' eye, all at once. I said I don't want to talk about it.

Sticks and stones, I'll break yer bones, but names ain't worth a quarrel.

Viola? Keep calling for me– And I’ll keep searching for you– And I’ll find you– You bet yer life on it– I’ll find you– Keep calling for me, Viola– Cuz here I come.

That's the thing I'm learning about being thrown out on yer own.

Nobody does nothing for you. If you don't change it, it don't get changed.

Do what ya have to do to pay off yer debt with Heaven,’ he said, his concern for proper speech abandoned. ‘But ya do not die on me, ya understand? I can’t live without ya. Yer all I got, woman.’ Her breath caught in her lungs. ‘I don’t want to be here if you’re not.

I’m home. Ya happy now?’ Beck’s gravelly voice demanded. ‘Yes, I am.’ ‘Yer’ treatin’ me like i’m some idiot kid,’ he complained. ‘Gee, I wonder where I learned that?’ He hung up on her.

And then a low and powerful sound rumbles thru the sky, like some giant, deep horn. A sound God would make when he wanted yer attenshun.

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