The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.— Andy Rooney
The most delicious Andy Rooney quotes that may be undiscovered and unusual
Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.
I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
Being kind is more important than being right.
I don't like food that's too carefully arranged;
it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas Day.
People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.
Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
Elephants and grandchildren never forget.
Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us.
Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.
Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys.
the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.
Everyone starts out being an atheist.
No one is born with belief in anything. Infants are atheists until they are indoctrinated.
I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you... More
If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
I've learned that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned... That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you.
I've learned .... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
Death is a distant rumor to the young.
Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television.
It's sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesn't hurt.
The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.
I've learned .... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?
I mean, the notion that we must love everything in this country or get out and go someplace else is ridiculous. I mean, if you -- the best thing a patriotic American can do is to look and be critical and find out what's wrong and try to make it better. That's what a patriotic American does.
I've learned... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
Christians talk as though goodness was their idea but good behavior doesn't have any religious origin. Our prisons are filled with the devout.
Women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I've learned that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.
I just wish this social institution [religion] wasnt based on what appears to me to be a monumental hoax built on an accumulation of customs and myths directed toward proving something that isnt true.
The Super Bowl isn't for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account.
I've learned... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.
We're all torn between the desire for privacy and the fear of loneliness.
I've learned... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
Nothing in fine print is ever good news.
It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.
I'd be more willing to accept religion, even if I didn't believe it, if I thought it made people nicer to each other but I don't think it does.
Looking and not finding is certainly one of the most frustrating ways to spend time.
Small daily happenings make life spectacular.... start enjoying the small things in life!
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.