110+ Andy Rooney Quotes (Observational, Humorous And Insightful.)

Andy Rooney was an American radio and television writer who was best known for his weekly broadcast "A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney" on the CBS news program 60 Minutes. He had a career that spanned over sixty years and he wrote for such shows as The Garry Moore Show and CBS Reports. Rooney wrote over 1,000 essays on a variety of topics, from war to popular culture, and was awarded four Emmy awards for his work.

Top 10 Andy Rooney Quotes

1. The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
2. Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
3. If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.
4. I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.
5. Being kind is more important than being right.
6. I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.
7. Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
8. People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.
9. Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
10. Elephants and grandchildren never forget.

Andy Rooney Image Quotes

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it. — Andy Rooney

Andy Rooney Short Quotes

• the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
• When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.
• Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
• I've learned... That love, not time, heals all wounds.
• If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
• I've learned .... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
• Death is a distant rumor to the young.
• I've learned .... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
• Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.
• I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

Andy Rooney Famous Quotes And Sayings

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it. — Andy Rooney

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve. — Andy Rooney

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives. — Andy Rooney

Obscenities... I think a lot of dumb people do it because they can't think of what they want to say and they're frustrated. A lot of smart people do it to pretend they aren't very smart - want to be just one of the boys. — Andy Rooney

Everyone starts out being an atheist. No one is born with belief in anything. Infants are atheists until they are indoctrinated. — Andy Rooney

I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you... More — Andy Rooney

If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness. — Andy Rooney

I've learned that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with. — Andy Rooney

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. — Andy Rooney

I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. — Andy Rooney

I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you. — Andy Rooney

Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. It's sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesn't hurt. — Andy Rooney

The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough. — Andy Rooney

I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number? — Andy Rooney

I mean, the notion that we must love everything in this country or get out and go someplace else is ridiculous. I mean, if you -- the best thing a patriotic American can do is to look and be critical and find out what's wrong and try to make it better. That's what a patriotic American does. — Andy Rooney

I've learned... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life. — Andy Rooney

Christians talk as though goodness was their idea but good behavior doesn't have any religious origin. Our prisons are filled with the devout. — Andy Rooney

The Super Bowl isn't for kids, I had a great time though and it was worth every nickel of it because by doing this lame piece about the game I can put it on my expense account. — Andy Rooney

I've learned that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved. — Andy Rooney

Women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage! — Andy Rooney

I just wish this social institution [religion] wasnt based on what appears to me to be a monumental hoax built on an accumulation of customs and myths directed toward proving something that isnt true. — Andy Rooney

I've learned... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am. — Andy Rooney

Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens. — Andy Rooney

We're all torn between the desire for privacy and the fear of loneliness. — Andy Rooney

I've learned... That you should never say no to a gift from a child. — Andy Rooney

It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone. — Andy Rooney

Nothing in fine print is ever good news. — Andy Rooney

I'd be more willing to accept religion, even if I didn't believe it, if I thought it made people nicer to each other but I don't think it does. — Andy Rooney

Small daily happenings make life spectacular.... start enjoying the small things in life! — Andy Rooney

Looking and not finding is certainly one of the most frustrating ways to spend time. — Andy Rooney

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. — Andy Rooney

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort -- the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing -- the opening a wonderfully joyous moment. — Andy Rooney

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads. — Andy Rooney

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly." ~ (1919-), American writer, producer, humorist. — Andy Rooney

Last night we had three small zucchini for dinner that were grown within fifty feet of our back door. I estimate they cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $371.49 each. — Andy Rooney

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment. — Andy Rooney

Half the cookbooks tell you how to cook the food and the other half tell you how to avoid eating it. — Andy Rooney

I've learned... that everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile. — Andy Rooney

I've learned... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand. — Andy Rooney

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose. — Andy Rooney

I've learned ... that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them. — Andy Rooney

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens. — Andy Rooney

You're almost always better off keeping your mouth shut, but don't let that stop you from popping off. — Andy Rooney

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love.' Beep. 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.' — Andy Rooney

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?". She doesn't care what you think. — Andy Rooney

I've learned... that just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day. — Andy Rooney

Almost all of us have an elevator or two in our lives somewhere. We wait for them, we ride on them. We're annoyed by the wait but pleased with the lift. — Andy Rooney

The English language is more complex than calculus because numbers don't have nuances. — Andy Rooney

In Washington, a confidential assistant is someone who, if you don't want to know something, you go and ask him and he won't tell you. — Andy Rooney

I've learned... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts. — Andy Rooney

I obviously have a knack for getting on paper what a lot of people have thought and didn't realize they thought. And they say, 'Hey, yeah!' And they like that. — Andy Rooney

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook. — Andy Rooney

Would a real man get caught eating a twinkie? — Andy Rooney

I've learned... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done. — Andy Rooney

We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins. — Andy Rooney

I've learned... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular. — Andy Rooney

The federal government has sponsored research that has produced a tomato that is perfect in every respect, except that you can't eat it. We should make every effort to make sure this disease, often referred to as 'progress', doesn't spread. — Andy Rooney

The best Christmas trees come very close to exceeding nature. If some of our great decorated trees had been grown in a remote forest area with lights that came on every evening as it grew dark, the whole world would come to look at them and marvel at the mystery of their great beauty. — Andy Rooney

I've learned... that we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for. — Andy Rooney

The only thing that really bugs me about television's coverage is those damn women they have down on the sidelines who don't know what the hell they're talking about. I mean, I'm not a sexist person, but a woman has no business being down there trying to make some comment about a football game. — Andy Rooney

Don't take a butcher's advice on how to cook meat. If he knew, he'd be a chef. — Andy Rooney

Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of. — Andy Rooney

I've learned... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them. — Andy Rooney

We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers. More college graduates ought to become plumbers or electricians, then go home at night and read Shakespeare. — Andy Rooney

Writers don't retire. I will always be a writer. — Andy Rooney

The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men. — Andy Rooney

I've learned... That money doesn't buy class. — Andy Rooney

Most of the people in the world are good and decent if you give them a chance to be. — Andy Rooney

For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40 +, there is a balding, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. — Andy Rooney

I've learned... That when you're in love, it shows. — Andy Rooney

The best thing about a vacation is planning it. — Andy Rooney

Phyllis Schlafly speaks for all American women who oppose equal rights for themselves. — Andy Rooney

I don't differentiate much, except in degree, between people who believe in religion from those who believe in astrology, magic or the supernatural. — Andy Rooney

I've learned... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult. — Andy Rooney

The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food, and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it! — Andy Rooney

I've learned... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way. — Andy Rooney

We're all torn between the desire for privacy and the fear of lonliness. We need each other and we need to get away from each other. We need proximity and distance, conversation and silence. We almost always get more of each than we want at any one time. — Andy Rooney

I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points. — Andy Rooney

I'd like to take some calculus, too. I have absolutely no ability in that direction and not much interest, either, but there's something going on in mathematics that I don't understand, and I'd like to find out what it is. — Andy Rooney

Let's face it, though, anything that's apt to happen to an appliance like a blender isn't covered by the warranty anyway, so I never send them in. If it breaks, I'll buy a new one. That's the American way. — Andy Rooney

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you. — Andy Rooney

I've learned... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world. — Andy Rooney

When it comes to educating all of us about the most basic things in life, it seems to me we need more kindergartens and fewer graduate schools. — Andy Rooney

My mother always called me 'sturdy' and said I have big bones. A little fat is what I am. — Andy Rooney

Sooner or later the world will have to return to the good old days when we fought wars and killed people the old-fashioned way, one at a time. — Andy Rooney

I understand shipping - you have to expect to pay for the stamps or for the freight company - but what's this handling they always have? How much does handling cost, anyway? I don't want a lot of people handling something I'm going to buy before I get it. How much would it cost if you didn't handle it before you sent it to me? — Andy Rooney

We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones. — Andy Rooney

In spite of some bad experiences, I'm a firm believer in the trial and error method of learning. — Andy Rooney

Have you noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me?" — Andy Rooney

A writer's job is to tell the truth. — Andy Rooney

If I'd known how many problems I was going to run into before I finished, I can't remember a single project I would have started. — Andy Rooney

Life Lessons by Andy Rooney

1. Life is short, so make the most of it by doing the things that make you happy.
2. Don't take yourself too seriously and don't be afraid to speak your mind.
3. Be kind and generous to others, and don't forget to appreciate the little things in life.