Children see magic because they look for it.

— Christopher Moore

The most unforgettable Christopher Moore quotes that will transform you to a better person

He loved constantly, instantly, spontaneously, without thought or words.

That's what he taught me. Love is not something you think about, it is a state in which you dwell. That was his gift.

26

Oh, we are but soft and squishy bags of mortality rolling in a bin of sharp circumstance, leaking life until we collapse, flaccid, into our own despair.

20

From Dickens's cockneys to Salinger's phonies, from Kerouac's beatniks to Cheech and Chong's freaks, and on to hip hop's homies, dialect has always been used as a way for generations to distinguish themselves.

20

Christmas crept into Pine Cove like a creeping Christmas thing: dragging garland, ribbon, and sleigh bells, oozing eggnog, reeking of pine, and threatening festive doom like a cold sore under the mistletoe.

17

Canada is a myth people made up to entertain children, like the Tooth Fairy.

There’s no such place.

13

If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them.

13

Which is why you chose to wear that delightful ensemble from the skank-wear collection at Hoes-n-Thangs?" -Tommy

9

Well they're pissed off and they're hungry.

I was kind of busy trying not to get my brains eaten. They seemed pretty adamant about the brain-eating thing. Then they're going to IKEA, I guess

9

In business, as in politics, the public is ever so tolerant of those who slime.

8

Regardless of its purpose, the humpback-whale song is the most complex piece of nonhuman composition on earth. Whether it's art, prayer, or booty call, the humpback song is an amazing thing to experience firsthand, and I suspect that even once the science of it is put to bed, it will remain, as long as they sing, magic.

8

She knew it should bother her more, being evil and all, but after she put on a little mascara and some lipstick and poured herself another cup of blood-laced coffee, she found that she was okay with it.

8

Life is loneliness, broken only by the gods taunting us with friendship and the odd bonk

8

About Christopher Moore

Quotes 206 sayings
Profession Writer
Birthday October 16

Oh, I would while away the hours, Wanking in the flowers, my heart all full of song, I'd be gliding all the lilies as I waved about my willie, If I only had a schlong.

7

And an inky-colored despair of rejection enveloped me like the black tortilla of depression around a pain burrito.

7

That's the scary thing about hope," she said. "If you let it go too long it turns into faith.

6

There's a fine edge to new grief, it severs nerves, disconnects reality--there's mercy in a sharp blade. Only with time, as the edge wears, does the real ache begin.

6

Enchantment and seduction were fine means of persuasion, but when time is short, an awkward but quick concussion could better serve a girl's purpose.

5

You think you know how this story is going to end, but you don't.

5

San Francisco is a breathtakingly beautiful city, with lots of great contrasts between dark and light, often overlapping each other. It's a great setting for a horror story.

5

I've seen more intelligence in the crotch lice of harem whores.

5

Normally if I met a guy who was unemployed and illiterate who hadn't bathed in a couple of weeks, I'd be standing in a puddle with excitement, but I'm sort of in a bad mood tonight, so take this bag and give me the fu**ing paper before I pop your head like a zit. He said, you're a lesbian, aren't you?

5

... but to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, 'What if Jesus had known kung fu?

5

There's some heinous fuckery goin' on mon.

4

In fact, he sorely hoped that it would happen, because otherwise, the world made no sense, there was no justice, and life was just a tangled ball of chaos.

4

It’s like he has this power over me—like I have an eating disorder and he’s a package of Oreo Double Stuff cookies.

4

He wanted her to experience all the glorious cheese of life.

4

. . . And so Charlie Asher . . . led an army of fourteen-inch-tall bundles of animal bits, armed with everything from knitting needles to a spork, into the storm sewers of San Fransciso.

4

The angel has confided in me that he is going to ask the Lord if he can become Spider-Man. [...] The children need heroes, he says. I think he just wants to swing from buildings in tight red jammies.

4

Sweetheart, wake up; you've destroyed the house and I need you to suffer for it.

3

Last time I really got to know myself it turned out there was a whole gang of bitches in there to deal with. I felt like the receptionist at a rehab center. They all had nice tits though, I gotta say.

3

He invented Kung Fu when translated to English means method by which short, bald guys can kick the bejeezus out of you.

3

They want to be tied up, I tie them up.

They want to be spanked, I spank them. They want to be called names, I call them names. But try and drink a little of their blood, and they scream like babies. What about my needs?

3

As a teacher of fourth-graders in a public school, where corporal punishement was not allowed, she had years of violence stored up and was, truth be told, sort of enjoying letting it out on Kona, who she felt could have been the poster child for the failure of public education.

3

That's the difference between irony and sarcasm.

Irony can be spontaneous, while sarcasm requires volition. You have to create sarcasm.

3

What is your name?" asked Lear. Caius," said Kent. And whence do you hail?" From Bonking, sire." Well, yes, lad, as do we all," said Lear, "but from what town?

3

He has the attention span of a hummingbird.

3

You're going to break my heart, aren't you?

2

Even a mentally challenged shark would figure out that sea turtles did not wear boxer shorts printed in flying piggies, and no sea turtle would be yattering streams of obscenities between chain-smoker gasps of breath.

2

Confucius is like the Torah, rules to follow.

And Lao-Tzu is even more conservative, saying that if you do nothing you won't break any rules. You have to let tradition fall sometime, you have to take action, you have to eat bacon.

2

Hope is bulletproof, truth just hard to hit

2

...as if someone had thrown a hand grenade into the middle of a teddy bear orgy and the only survivors had had their fur blown off.

2

Actually, orcas aren't quite as complex as scientists imagine.

Most killer whales are just four tons of doofus dressed up like a police car.

2

I think there was always some scrawny dreamer sitting at the edge of the firelight, who had the ability to imagine dangers, to look into the future in his imagination and see possibilities, and therefore survived to pass his genes on to the next generation.

2

You want me and I want you. right?" Who did she think she was? You can't just go around blurting out the truth like a prophet with Tourette's Syndrome. He said, "Well, I guess. Yeah, that's right.

2

When I teach seminars, I tell people, Your stuff has to look like something thats out there, because otherwise nobody will take a chance on you.

2

All killer whales are named Kevin. You knew that, right?

2

One day the good times had to keep on rolling, and all of life's horseshit would turn to circuses.

2

She was an alien, really - a sort of eating, pooping, tantrum machine - and he didn't understand anything about her species.

1

The fact that 'A Dirty Job' has comedy and supernatural horror in it, that both are woven in and out of it with a whimsical tone, despite the fact that it's about death, makes it hard to characterize with standard genre labels - but I have no problem with that. I'd call it a funny story about death, and leave it at that.

1
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