Roseanne Barr Quotes That Are comedic, outspoken and influential

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

Half the world's starving; the other half is trying to lose weight.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger.

When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.

I call myself a 'domestic goddess.

Being hated and hunted and blamed for your own suffering makes people kind of testy, nervous, and on edge, and often fundamentalist and extreme. Bombs get thrown only when people cannot honestly talk together.

A lot of times nerds are really artists listening to the beat of another drummer.

Eat as much as you'd like. My philosophy has always been that all women desire to be as fat as myself but just have a great fear of doing so. Because they think they won't get any men, but you will. You'll get more men, and better men.

My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.

Adults in a free country should be able to smoke a joint if they want to.

There isn't a problem on this earth that a doughnut cannot make better.

Comedy is the only hope for humanity.

Being nuts is its own reward.

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

I'm a heterosexual. I don't know why I'm like this. I was just born this way.

This bugs me the worst. That's when the husband thinks that the wife knows where everything is, huh? Like they think the uterus is a tracking device. He comes in: "Hey, Roseanne! Roseanne! Do we have any Cheetos left?" Like he can't go over and lift up the sofa cushion himself.

There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

Women are cursed, and men are the proof.

Everything here must be done twice as no one can do it right the first time.

I'm just into spirituality. I believe that in a previous life I used to be Shirley MacLaine.

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month I can be myself.

A good man doesn't just happen. They have to be created by us women. A guy is a lump like this doughnut.

It's a big culture of mind control too, MK-Ultra mind control rules in Hollywood. If you don't know that, google it and look into it. It's really hard for artists to find their voice in the media. It's levels of brainwashing and mind control.

A lot of men are impotent and it's very sad.

How many of you are impotent? I see. Can't get your arms up either?

Hillary Clinton and Barack Hussein Obama cannot win, and they are put in place to assure a victory by Mitt Romney... this is the plan of all the insurance companies that are owned by Mormon interests. It is unfolding as the Mormon Church planned over the last fifty years.

It's the Night of the Living Dead. It's scary out here.

We had no religion at all, but we were Jews in New Hampshire, and my sister - who is now a rabbi - said it best: We were, like, the only Jews in Bedford, New Hampshire, as well as the only Democrats, so we just kind of associated those two things together. My dad raised us to believe that paying taxes is an honor.

ACORN is organizing to make sure the job of rebuilding New Orleans is done by the people of New Orleans and truly benefits the communities who have been hurt the most.

My children love me. I'm like the mother they never had.

I have five kids from three marriages. I come from a trailer park. My sister and brother are both gay. I have multiple personalities.

My daughter made me a Jerry Springer-watching kit, with crackers, Cheez Whiz, polyester stretch pants and a T-shirt with two fat women fighting over a skinny guy.

My dad taught me swears when I was a toddler, and I saw, at a really early age, that if I shocked people, I would get approval, and it made my arms itch with glee. I got addicted to it. It became this source of power in a totally powerless life.

The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think.

You must never be afraid in New York City, because then you will call bad stuff to you and you will not like it there.

As the books got more and more Zionist and less and less socialist, my entire generation, at least a large percentage of it, simply left Judaism. We became Buddhist and Hindu and atheist or agnostic, all of which (except Christian) were more in keeping with peaceful self-transformative ideas that did not bow down to militarism.

And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny.

Oh, hi. I been married thirteen years, and lemme tell you, it's a thrill to be out of the house. I never get out of the house. I stay home all the time. I never do anything fun 'cause I'm a housewife. I hate the word "housewife." I prefer to be called "domestic goddess.

I have a huge crush on President George W. Bush. I saw him at a recent fundraiser, and he`s a babe. He`s got that Ronald Reagan charm. I think he`s hot. I respect his wife, but if he wasn`t married I`d be putting on my cowboy boots and coming around.

I thank God for creating gay men. Because if it wasn't for them, us fat women would have no one to dance with.

You know what, when I was thin, I thought there was a fat girl trying to get out of me.

Who's elk horn do I have to blow in order to get something to eat around here?

my parents ... had decided early on that all of the problems in my family had somehow to do with me. All roads led to Roseyville, a messy, chaotic town where, as parents, they were required to visit, but could never get out of quick enough or find a decent parking place.

TV is a language all its own, a land of one dimensional stereotypes that destroys culture, not adds to it. TV is anti-art, a reflection of consumerism that serves the power structure. TV is about demographics.

two things do me in: one's chocolate cake, the other's hypocrisy.

I first would allow the guilty bankers to pay, you know, the ability to pay back anything over $100 million [of] personal wealth because I believe in a maximum wage of $100 million. And if they are unable to live on that amount of that amount then they should, you know, go to the reeducation camps and if that doesn't help, then being beheaded.