Tim Dorsey Quotes

My problem is with the warped value system our culture has.

Why is it that if you knife a woman in a movie it's PG, but if you swear at her it's rated R and if you make love to her it's rated X?

Murder is such a charged word. You know how some people fixate and won't let things go? They're called cops.

Hang on to your dreams with everything you got.

Because the best life is when your dreams come true. The second-best is when they don't but you never stop chasing them.

Always walk away from a fight. Then ambush.

A prosthetic leg with a Willie Nelson bumper sticker washed ashore on the beach, which meant it was Florida. Then it got weird.

Nature's what it's all about, but our people have been brainwashed into thinking that life is a cell phone against your head and the TV on a beer commercial with hot chicks.

Nothing builds confidence like live ammo.

A strip club is one of the few places where two groups voluntarily come together who have such precipitous contrasts in net worth and familiarity with violence, each group with a head-and-shoulders edge in one category. The basic math of a tropical storm.

Back at the Rash [a Florida nightclub], a waif in a lime latex body tube went into the rest room to snort the newest designer drug, XGB5, which gave people the uncanny sensation of throwing money away while chewing their own lips off. It was hard to come by and everyone had to have it.

I don't suffer from insanity. I can actually say that I enjoy it.

The whole family is a bunch of dangerous freaks.

..Most are ex-cons or junkies or deranged from inbreeding. Five have died violently, three are back in prison, two have gone insane from untreated venereal disease, and one writes book reviews.

These are different animals now. They're starting to winnow out the weak at the fringe of the herd. We need to hurry or this could affect our snack situation.

It's only socialism if the money goes down, not up.

Almighty Father, please stop making jerks. Amen...Break!

There, I'm an artist. Thousands of women on ecstasy now want to have three-ways with me.

Our political process appears to be a toxic dance of mutually assured destruction that takes all the citizens down with you, and that can't be right. So I've prepared a little experiment.

But instead they tell you they'll come to fix your cable between noon and five, and I say, okay, I'll pay my next bill between July and November, but they don't laugh.

Look forward to the wonderment of growing up, raising a family and driving by the gas station where the popular kids now work.

But you have to understand, mental illness is like cholesterol.

There is is good kind and the bad. Without the good kind- less flavor to life. Van Gogh, Beethoven, Edgar Allen Poe, Sylvia Plath, Pink Floyd (the early Piper at the Gates of Dawn line up), scientific breakthroughs, spiritual revolution, utopian visions, zany nationalism that kills millions- wait, that’s the bad kind. Tim Dorsey (Hurricane Punch)

Don't make fun of people who are different. Unless they have more money and influence. Then you must