I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

Woody Allen on love
84

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

Woody Allen on love
71

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Woody Allen on success
59

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen on funny
41

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people.

The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Woody Allen on goodness
20

There are worse things in life than death.

Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Woody Allen on death
17
 image quote by Woody Allen

Sex relieves tension - love causes it.

My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else.

Woody Allen on funny
14

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

Woody Allen on sex
12

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen on death
11

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.

Woody Allen on risk
11

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Woody Allen on sex
10

The lion and the calf will lay down together, but the calf won't get much sleep..

Woody Allen on marriage
9
 image quote by Woody Allen

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

About Woody Allen

Name Woody Allen
Quotes 122 quotes
Nationality American
Profession Director
Birthday December 1, 1935
About Woody Allen (born Allen Stewart Königsberg) is a three-time Academy Award-winning American film director, writer, actor, jazz musician, comedian and playwright. His large body of work and cerebral film style, mixing satire, wit and humor, have made him one of the most respected and prolific filmmakers in the modern era.
Top topics life, absurd, humor, love, death

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

Woody Allen on film
8

Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.

Woody Allen on sunset
7

Marriage is the death of hope.

Woody Allen on marriage
7

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she would come in and sink my boats.

Woody Allen on marriage
6

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Woody Allen on doubt
6

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Woody Allen on expectation
5
 image quote by Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up!

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

Woody Allen on life
5

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Woody Allen on money
5

It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic.

Woody Allen on potential
4

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Woody Allen on immortality
4

A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

Woody Allen on sex
4

Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.

Woody Allen on divided
4

I am at two with nature.

Woody Allen on nature
4

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

Woody Allen on death
4

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Woody Allen on hollywood
3

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite.

This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.

Woody Allen on space
3

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

Woody Allen on dreams
3

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

Woody Allen on intelligence
2

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

Woody Allen on mankind
2

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

Woody Allen on deprecating
2

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

Woody Allen on appreciating
2

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Woody Allen on deathbed
2

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Woody Allen on god
2

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

Woody Allen on absurd
2

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Woody Allen on dying
2

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

Woody Allen on fender
2

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

Woody Allen on fun
1

It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.

Woody Allen on crime
1

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

Woody Allen on achieving
1

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Woody Allen on abstinence
1

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead.

Woody Allen on food
1

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men.

I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

Woody Allen on absurd
1

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Woody Allen on art
1

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

Woody Allen on instance
1

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

Woody Allen on happening
1

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Woody Allen on involves
1

If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

Woody Allen on atheism
1

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

Woody Allen on movies
1