Best quotes by the American Director Woody Allen

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
  • Love

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
  • Love

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
  • Success

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
  • funny



It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
  • Goodness

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
  • death

My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else.
  • Regret

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
  • Sex

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
  • Death

The lion and the calf will lay down together, but the calf won't get much sleep..
  • Marriage

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
  • Risk

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
  • Film

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
  • Sex

Marriage is the death of hope.
  • Marriage

Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.
  • Sunset

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
  • Doubt

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
  • Money

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
  • life

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.
  • Death

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
  • Expectation

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
  • Immortality

Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
  • Life

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she would come in and sink my boats.
  • Maturity

I am at two with nature.
  • Nature

A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.
  • Sex

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
  • Dreams

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
  • Hollywood

It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic.
  • Potential

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
  • Intelligence

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
  • Mankind


Pictures quotes by Woody Allen

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Woody Allen Quotes About

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Woody Allen life quotes

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There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
  • death

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
  • life

Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
  • Life

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
  • funny

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
  • art

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
  • life

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
  • funny

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
  • divided

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work ... I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
  • life

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
  • death

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.
  • humour

There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, Boy, the food at this place is really terrible. The other one says, Yeah, I know; and such small portions. Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.
  • humour

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
  • humor

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Woody Allen humor quotes

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I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.
  • absurd

To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition.
  • absurd

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
  • absurd

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
  • death

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
  • humor

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.
  • humor

Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be.
  • humor

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
  • attributed

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
  • christian

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
  • atheism

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Woody Allen absurd quotes

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I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.
  • absurd

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.
  • absurd

It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.
  • absurd

To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition.
  • absurd

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.
  • absurd

Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.
  • absurd

Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK? It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday
  • absurd

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
  • absurd

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.
  • absurd

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
  • absurd

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Woody Allen sex quotes

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Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
  • Sex

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
  • Sex

A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.
  • Sex

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
  • humor

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.
  • sex

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
  • sex

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.
  • sex

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.
  • sex

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
  • sex

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Woody Allen death quotes

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I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
  • funny

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
  • death

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
  • Death

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.
  • Death

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
  • deathbed

I don't believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
  • Death

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
  • death

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
  • carry

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
  • death

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More quotes by Woody Allen

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Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.
  • Space

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
  • marriage

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
  • deathbed

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
  • done



If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
  • god

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
  • fender

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
  • appreciating

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.
  • absurd

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
  • self

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
  • Abstinence

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing Embraceable You in spats.
  • Animals

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
  • Comedy

It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.
  • Crime

I don't believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
  • Death

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.
  • Drugs

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead.
  • Food

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
  • Philosophy

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
  • fun

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
  • food

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
  • funny

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
  • action

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
  • happening

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
  • movies

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
  • course

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
  • atheist

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
  • dressed

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
  • lover

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
  • art

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
  • getting

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
  • achieving

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
  • bear

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
  • idea

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.
  • absurd

If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
  • atheism

More than at any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.I speak, by the way, not with any sense of futility, but with a panicky conviction of the absolute meaninglessness of existence which could easily be misinterpreted as pessimism. It is not. It is merely a healthy concern for the predicament of modern man.
  • Choice

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
  • Comedy

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.
  • Punishment

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
  • Reason

In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be flexible about time and place, but if either faction fails to attend, the whole enterprise is likely to come off badly.
  • Revolution

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.
  • Vacations

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
  • nature

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
  • finding

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
  • base

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
  • life

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
  • thankful

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
  • food

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
  • illusion

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
  • days

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
  • failure

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
  • afraid

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
  • bad

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
  • beating

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
  • armenian

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
  • funny

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
  • funny

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
  • boss

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
  • death

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
  • bothers

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
  • astounded

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
  • bankruptcy

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
  • pedestal

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
  • carry

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
  • divided

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
  • america

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
  • calf

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
  • california

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
  • teacher

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
  • wife

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
  • believe

I am two with nature.
  • nature

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
  • bisexuality

We're all faced throughout our lives with agonizing decisions, moral choices. Some are on a grand scale, most of these choices are on lesser points. But we define ourselves by the choices we have made. We are, in fact, the sum total of our choices. Events unfold so unpredictably, so unfairly, Human happiness does not seem to be included in the design of creation. it is only we, with our capacity to love that give meaning to the indifferent universe. And yet, most human beings seem to have the ability to keep trying and even try to find joy from simple things, like their family, their work, and from the hope that future generations might understand more
  • crimes-and-misdemeanors

You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that, when we fall in love, we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom we were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all of the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted upon us. So that love contains in it the contradiction: The attempt to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past.
  • crimes-and-misdemeanors

It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.
  • absurd

To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition.
  • absurd

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.
  • absurd

Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.
  • absurd

Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK? It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday
  • absurd

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
  • absurd

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work ... I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
  • life

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.
  • absurd

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
  • death

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.
  • humour

There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, Boy, the food at this place is really terrible. The other one says, Yeah, I know; and such small portions. Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.
  • humour

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
  • humor

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
  • absurd

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.
  • humor

Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be.
  • humor

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.
  • love

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
  • attributed

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
  • christian

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.
  • sex

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
  • sex

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.
  • sex

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.
  • sex

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
  • sex

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
  • atheism

I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
  • think


Director similar to Woody Allen


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Jean Cocteau 64 quotes
James Broughton 38 quotes
Ken Burns 37 quotes

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Best Woody Allen quotes

Part 2
Woody Allen pictures quotes

Part 3
Woody Allen's Quotes About ...
Life
Humor
Absurd
Sex
Death
All Woody Allen quotes

Part 4
Quotes by authors similar to Woody Allen

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