What are the best Woody Allen quotes?

Accurate and famous quotes by Woody Allen about life, humor, absurd, death, funny. Woody Allen is well-known American director with many wise quotes. You can read the best of all time and enjoy Top 10 lists. Share the best Woody Allen sayings with your friends and family.


  1. I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.


  2. Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

    • love

  3. Eighty percent of success is showing up.


  4. I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.




  5. It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.


  6. There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?


  7. My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else.

    • funny

  8. Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.


  9. I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

    • death

  10. If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.


  11. Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

    • sex

  12. The lion and the calf will lay down together, but the calf won't get much sleep..


  13. If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.


  14. Marriage is the death of hope.

    • marriage

  15. Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.


  16. If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.


  17. Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she would come in and sink my boats.

    • marriage

  18. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.


  19. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.


  20. Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.


  21. I am at two with nature.


  22. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

    • death

  23. Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.


  24. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.


  25. A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

    • sex

  26. In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.


  27. What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?


  28. Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.


  29. It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic.


  30. Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.




Woody Allen image quotes

What are the best Woody Allen images quotes? Read and bookmark finest sayings from Woody Allen, embed as quotes on beautiful images. Those images have life quotes, humor quotes, absurd quotes, death quotes, funny quotes.


  1. Picture quote by Woody Allen about tension

    Sex relieves tension - love causes it.


  2. Picture quote by Woody Allen about love

    Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.


  3. Picture quote by Woody Allen about success

    Eighty percent of success is showing up!


That are top sayings from Woody Allen as picture quotes. Access more quotations by Woody Allen with images on Pinterest.

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About Woody Allen

Where is Woody Allen from? Woody Allen is American who said awesome wise words. Well-known and respected in American society for wise sayings. The following quotations and images represent the American nature embed in Woody Allen's character.

What Woody Allen was famous for? Woody Allen is famous director with many good quotes. Influential and well recognized director all over the world. Browse a lot of Woody Allen books and reference books with quotes from Woody Allen on Amazon.


What are the best life quotes by Woody Allen?


    I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

    • funny

    There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

    • death

    My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else.

    • funny

    Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

    • life

    I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

    • immortality

    Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.

    • divided

    I don't believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

    • death

    Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.


    Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

    • life

    I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.


    There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, Boy, the food at this place is really terrible. The other one says, Yeah, I know; and such small portions. Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.

    • humour

    I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.


More life quotes or go to table of contents


What are the best humor quotes by Woody Allen?


    I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

    • funny

    I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.


    To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

    • absurd

    I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

    • absurd

    I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

    • humor

    My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

    • humor

    Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be.

    • humor

    Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.


    If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.


    How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?


More humor quotes or go to table of contents


What are the best absurd quotes by Woody Allen?


    I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

    • absurd

    A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

    • absurd

    It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.

    • absurd

    To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

    • absurd

    I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

    • absurd

    Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.

    • absurd

    Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK? It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday

    • absurd

    I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

    • absurd

    I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.

    • absurd

    More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

    • absurd

More absurd quotes or go to table of contents


What are the best death quotes by Woody Allen?


    I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

    • funny

    There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

    • death

    I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

    • death

    On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.

    • death

    I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.


    I don't believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

    • death

    It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.


More death quotes or go to table of contents


What are the best funny quotes by Woody Allen?


    I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

    • funny

    My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else.

    • funny

    I don't believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

    • death

    I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

    • funny

More funny quotes or go to table of contents


More quotes by Woody Allen

Want some more good quotations by Woody Allen? Explore the rest of 122 sayings by Woody Allen.


I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.


If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.


Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.


Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.




I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

  • deathbed

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.


The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.


I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

  • absurd

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.


If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.


A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.


I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.


The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.


It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.


Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.


I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead.

  • food

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

  • art

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.


A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

  • absurd

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.


Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing Embraceable You in spats.


I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.


I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!


Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.


I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.


If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

  • atheism

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.


Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.


I don't believe in an after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

  • death

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.


Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.


My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.


Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe. It required bandaging.

  • absurd

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.


The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

  • sex

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.


Maugham then offers the greatest advice anyone could give to a young author: At the end of an interrogation sentence, place a question mark. You'd be surprised how effective it can be.

  • humor

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.


I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.


Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

  • sex

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?


My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

  • humor

I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies.


Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.


To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

  • absurd

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.


When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.


I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.


Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.

  • sex

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.


In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.


Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.


I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

  • absurd

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

  • attributed

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.


Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

  • sex

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

  • absurd

In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be flexible about time and place, but if either faction fails to attend, the whole enterprise is likely to come off badly.


He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.


Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

  • life

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

  • absurd

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.


How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

  • atheism

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.


You will notice that what we are aiming at when we fall in love is a very strange paradox. The paradox consists of the fact that, when we fall in love, we are seeking to re-find all or some of the people to whom we were attached as children. On the other hand, we ask our beloved to correct all of the wrongs that these early parents or siblings inflicted upon us. So that love contains in it the contradiction: The attempt to return to the past and the attempt to undo the past.


Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.


His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.


Tradition is the illusion of permanance.


I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.

  • absurd

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.


We're all faced throughout our lives with agonizing decisions, moral choices. Some are on a grand scale, most of these choices are on lesser points. But we define ourselves by the choices we have made. We are, in fact, the sum total of our choices. Events unfold so unpredictably, so unfairly, Human happiness does not seem to be included in the design of creation. it is only we, with our capacity to love that give meaning to the indifferent universe. And yet, most human beings seem to have the ability to keep trying and even try to find joy from simple things, like their family, their work, and from the hope that future generations might understand more

  • crimes-and-misdemeanors

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.


Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.


I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

  • humor

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.


It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.

  • absurd

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

  • nature

Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK? It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday

  • absurd

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

  • sex

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

  • humour

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

  • comedy

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

  • funny

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.


It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

  • carry

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

  • money

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.


I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

  • food

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.


More than at any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.I speak, by the way, not with any sense of futility, but with a panicky conviction of the absolute meaninglessness of existence which could easily be misinterpreted as pessimism. It is not. It is merely a healthy concern for the predicament of modern man.


If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

  • christian

There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, Boy, the food at this place is really terrible. The other one says, Yeah, I know; and such small portions. Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.

  • humour

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

  • love

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Directors similar to Woody Allen

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Woody Allen favorite topics

Woody Allen is famous for his passion about life, humor, absurd, death, funny. Check out great quotations and affirmations on these topics.


Conclusion

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When was Woody Allen birthday? Woody Allen was born on December 1, 1935.

Who is Woody Allen? Some facts about Woody Allen from biography. Woody Allen (born Allen Stewart Königsberg) is a three-time Academy Award-winning American film director, writer, actor, jazz musician, comedian and playwright. His large body of work and cerebral film style, mixing satire, wit and humor, have made him one of the most respected and prolific filmmak... Read more about Woody Allen on Wikipedia or watch videos with quotes from Woody Allen on YouTube. Browse a lot of books about Woody Allen on Amazon to get more reference.

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