110+ Woody Allen Quotes On Marriage, Relationships And Showing Up

Woody Allen is an American film director, writer, actor, and comedian. He is widely regarded as one of the most influential filmmakers in the history of cinema, and is known for his distinct directorial style and dark humor. His films often explore philosophical and psychological themes, and feature renowned actors such as Diane Keaton, Mia Farrow, and Scarlett Johansson. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Woody Allen on life, marriage, love.

Top 10 Woody Allen Quotes

1. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
2. I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
3. Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
4. Eighty percent of success is showing up.
5. More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
6. The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.
7. I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
8. I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.
9. I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
10. She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

Woody Allen Image Quotes

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. — Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up. — Woody Allen

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak. — Woody Allen

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. — Woody Allen

A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense. — Woody Allen

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. — Woody Allen

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door. — Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. — Woody Allen

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. — Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead. — Woody Allen

I'm going to my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes. — Woody Allen

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. — Woody Allen

Woody Allen Short Quotes

• His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
• A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.
• I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
• If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
• My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
• All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
• Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
• I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
• I'm going to my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
• I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead.

Woody Allen Quotes About Life

A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense. — Woody Allen

In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm. — Woody Allen

It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock. — Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. — Woody Allen

While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like. — Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman? — Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. — Woody Allen

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100. — Woody Allen

I didn't believe in reincarnation in my past life, and I still don't. — Woody Allen

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life. — Woody Allen

Woody Allen Quotes About Marriage

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering. — Woody Allen

The lion and the calf will lay down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.. — Woody Allen

Marriage is the death of hope. — Woody Allen

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she would come in and sink my boats. — Woody Allen

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third. — Woody Allen

For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal. — Woody Allen

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad. — Woody Allen

If you pursue the other woman, it's a losing situation and it's not good for your relationship or your marriage. If your marriage is open and you're allowed to, that's no good either. There's no way, really in the end, to be happy unless you get very lucky. — Woody Allen

I've had bad luck in my two previous marriages. The first wife left me, and the second did not. ­ — Woody Allen

Marriage? That's for life! It's like cement! — Woody Allen

Woody Allen Quotes About Love

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. — Woody Allen

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love. — Woody Allen

Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down. — Woody Allen

Is it better to be the lover or the loved one? Neither, if your cholesterol is over six hundred. By love, of course, I refer to romantic love -- the love between man and woman, rather than between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters. — Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best. — Woody Allen

No matter what the shrinks, or the pundits, or the self-help books tell you, when it comes to love, it's luck. — Woody Allen

I hope you're getting this down. — Woody Allen

History is the same thing over and over again. — Woody Allen

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. — Woody Allen

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it. — Woody Allen

Woody Allen Quotes About Relationships

I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies. — Woody Allen

If you meet somebody and are attracted to someone, and the exquisite neurons in your brain and her brain intermesh properly, then things can be wonderful. It's not like homework. You don't have to work at the relationship. — Woody Allen

All over the world, relationships between men and women are very, very tricky and very difficult and you don't learn anything. It's not an exact science, so you can't learn anything. You're always going by instinct and your instinct betrays you because you want what you want when you want it. — Woody Allen

You are much more dependent on luck than you think. People say if you want to have a good relationship, you have to work at it. But you never hear it about anything you really like, about sailing or going to soccer games. — Woody Allen

The heart wants what it wants. — Woody Allen

My relationship with death remains the same - I'm strongly against it. — Woody Allen

Relationships are really what interest me the most. And I think, in the end, they interest most people the most. Even when you read Tolstoy or something, basically they're about man and woman relationships. — Woody Allen

In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee. — Woody Allen

My relationship with American audiences is the exact same as it always has been. They never came to see my films, and they don't come now. — Woody Allen

Woody Allen Quotes About Showing Up

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. — Woody Allen

Ninety percent of life is just showing up. — Woody Allen

Believing would be easier if God would show himself by depositing a million dollars in a Swiss bank account in my name — Woody Allen

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year. — Woody Allen

Show business is dog eat dog. It's worse than dog eat dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls. — Woody Allen

If 90% of success in life is showing up, the other 10% depends on what you're showing up for. — Woody Allen

Showing up is 80 percent of life. — Woody Allen

It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic. — Woody Allen

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. — Woody Allen

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. — Woody Allen

Woody Allen Quotes About New York

Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here. — Woody Allen

There is something about big cities that turns me on, and for whatever mysterious reason, places like New York and Paris inspire me. I think it's because cities represent civilization, and as crime-ridden and broken down as some of them are, it's still better than skipping through a meadow. — Woody Allen

There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open? — Woody Allen

They were doing the Dying Swan at the ballet. And there was a rumor that some bookmarkers had drifted into town from upstate New York and that they had fixed the bullet. There was a lot of money bet on the swan to live. — Woody Allen

For some reason I've always had an irrational love for New York. There's no reason that you would necessarily like it on paper. It's very expensive. — Woody Allen

I can't with any conscience argue for New York with anyone. It's like Calcutta. But I love the city in an emotional, irrational way, like loving your mother or your father even though they're a drunk or a thief. I've loved the city my whole life - to me, it's like a great woman. — Woody Allen

He adored New York City. He idolized it all out of proportion... no, make that: he - he romanticized it all out of proportion. Yes. To him, no matter what the season was, this was still a town that existed in black and white and pulsated to the great tunes of George Gershwin. — Woody Allen

When you travel around the country, you see what a tough town New York is: rude, competitive, a town where good, logical ideas are ignored in favor of unworkable ones. And yet, all these other towns are so dead and boring compared to New York. — Woody Allen

I never wanted to or expected to make a film outside of New York. New York became very, very expensive. The same $18 million spent in Barcelona or Rome goes much further there. — Woody Allen

New York is my home and I have a particular fondness for it. I think it's a place where you can generate any kind of story wonderfully. But I also would be very happy to make a film in Paris or Rome. — Woody Allen

Woody Allen Quotes About Success

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women. — Woody Allen

If you're not failing, you're not trying anything. — Woody Allen

This sounds so bleak when I say it, but we need some delusions to keep us going. And the people who successfully delude themselves seem happier than the people who can't. — Woody Allen

90 per cent of success is turning up. — Woody Allen

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. — Woody Allen

In order to be successful, all you've got to do is show up 80 percent of the time. — Woody Allen

90% of success in life is showing up — Woody Allen

Every success is built on the ability to do better than good enough. As you climb the ladder of success, be sure it's leaning against the right building. Eighty percent of success is showing up. — Woody Allen

Woody Allen Quotes About Humor

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem. — Woody Allen

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts. — Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. — Woody Allen

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it. — Woody Allen

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. — Woody Allen

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social. — Woody Allen

I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself. — Woody Allen

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse. — Woody Allen

he's a genius, she's a genius, wow, you know alot of geniuses, you should meet some stupid people sometime, you might learn something — Woody Allen

If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic. — Woody Allen

Woody Allen Quotes About Death

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. — Woody Allen

The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you. — Woody Allen

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer. Not to love is to suffer. — Woody Allen

I foresee death by culture shock. — Woody Allen

What do I dislike about death? Must be the hours. — Woody Allen

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. — Woody Allen

Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun. — Woody Allen

The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. — Woody Allen

I believe in sex and death- two experiences that come once in a lifetime. — Woody Allen

Sex and death. Two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous. — Woody Allen

Woody Allen Famous Quotes And Sayings

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it. — Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up. — Woody Allen

It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies. — Woody Allen

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak. — Woody Allen

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer. — Woody Allen

A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense. — Woody Allen

Reality may not be the best of all possible worlds, but it's still the only place where you can get a decent steak. — Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. — Woody Allen

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. — Woody Allen

My mother never had time for me. When you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention. — Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. — Woody Allen

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib. — Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead. — Woody Allen

I'm going to my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes. — Woody Allen

Take the money and run. — Woody Allen

I'm giving [my analyst] one more year--then I'm going to Lourdes. — Woody Allen

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. — Woody Allen

Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained. — Woody Allen

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her. — Woody Allen

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. — Woody Allen

I was thrown out of NYU for cheating-with the deans wife — Woody Allen

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea. — Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. — Woody Allen

I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm. — Woody Allen

Why ruin a good story with the truth? — Woody Allen

Who's the bigger idiot, the idiot or the idiot who gets fooled by the idiot? — Woody Allen

Taste my tuna casserole - tell me if I put in too much hot fudge. — Woody Allen

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. — Woody Allen

There's nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can't cure. — Woody Allen

If you take a frown and turn it upside down, the person you are holding by the ankles will soon pass out. — Woody Allen

Where I grew up in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide. Everyone was too unhappy. — Woody Allen

Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete. — Woody Allen

Heaven knows, we all make mistakes. That's life - and chess. — Woody Allen

Where did we come from? Where are we going? Is there possibility of a group discount? — Woody Allen

I failed to make the chess team because of my height. — Woody Allen

Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come. — Woody Allen

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No. — Woody Allen

I have one last request. Don't use embalming fluid on me; I want to be stuffed with crab meat. — Woody Allen

I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes. — Woody Allen

I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers — Woody Allen

[The universe is] haphazard, morally neutral, and unimaginably violent. — Woody Allen

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. — Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. — Woody Allen

Paranoia is knowing all the facts. — Woody Allen

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. — Woody Allen

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle! — Woody Allen

Even if God exists, he's done such a terrible job, it's a wonder people don't get together and file a class action suit against him. — Woody Allen

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. — Woody Allen

What' s the matter with me? Why can't I be cool? — Woody Allen

I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back. — Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. — Woody Allen

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. — Woody Allen

I'm a nice person! I have healthy life drives and goals! I don't drink, I don't smoke. I would never force myself sexually on a blind person! — Woody Allen

Over the years I've never written or made movies about political themes 'cause while they do have current critical importance, in the large, large scheme of things, only the big questions matter and the answers to those big questions are very, very depressing. — Woody Allen

I think universal harmony is a pipedream and it may be more productive to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodeling. — Woody Allen

Until you've been kissed on a rainy Parisian afternoon - you've never been kissed. — Woody Allen

Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. — Woody Allen

I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her. — Woody Allen

Man cannot live by bread alone. Every once in awhile he needs a salad. — Woody Allen

I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light. — Woody Allen

Those modern analysts, they charge so much! In my day, for five marks Freud himself would treat you. For ten marks he would treat you and press your pants. For fifteen marks Freud would let you treat him - that included a choice of any two vegetables. — Woody Allen

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot. — Woody Allen

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. — Woody Allen

No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you. — Woody Allen

I'm so excited-I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth. — Woody Allen

The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it's done right. — Woody Allen

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen. — Woody Allen

I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light. — Woody Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. — Woody Allen

Life Lessons by Woody Allen

1. Woody Allen teaches us to stay true to ourselves and to never give up on our dreams, no matter how difficult the journey may be.
2. He also encourages us to embrace our imperfections and to not worry about what other people think of us.
3. Finally, he shows us that it is possible to find humor and joy in the midst of life's struggles and to never lose sight of the beauty of life.