Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.— Woody Allen
The most unconventional Woody Allen quotes that are proven to give you inner joy
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Sex relieves tension - love causes it.
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads.
One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.
The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.
I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
Eighty percent of success is showing up!
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.
A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.
Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.
She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
It is clear the future holds great opportunities.
It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Reality may not be the best of all possible worlds, but it's still the only place where you can get a decent steak.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
My mother never had time for me. When you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention.
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
I'm going to my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.
I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead.
While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today.
Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like.
Take the money and run.
I'm giving [my analyst] one more year--then I'm going to Lourdes.
Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.
I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I was thrown out of NYU for cheating-with the deans wife
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam;
I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Taste my tuna casserole - tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.
Who's the bigger idiot, the idiot or the idiot who gets fooled by the idiot?
Why ruin a good story with the truth?
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.