I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people.
The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
There are worse things in life than death.
Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Sex relieves tension - love causes it.
My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else.
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
The lion and the calf will lay down together, but the calf won't get much sleep..
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought, how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday too, and it rained.
Marriage is the death of hope.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she would come in and sink my boats.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Eighty percent of success is showing up!
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.
Life is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
I am at two with nature.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily as lying down.
In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite.
This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead.
A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men.
I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.