Anyone who gives you a cinnamon roll fresh out of the oven is a friend for life.

— Daniel Handler

The most astonishing Daniel Handler quotes that are life-changing and eye-opening

Miracles are like meatballs, because nobody can exactly agree on what they are made of, where they come from, or how often they should appear.

60

Temper tantrums, however fun they may be to throw, rarely solve whatever problem is causing them.

60

At times the world may seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. and what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may in fact be the first steps of a journey.

55

I didn't realize this was a sad occasion.

49

Friends can make you feel that the world is smaller and less sneaky than it really is, because you know people who have similar experiences.

49

They didn't understand it, but like so many unfortunate events in life, just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it isn't so.

48

Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby - awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.

43

Chestnuts in stuffing tastes like someone chewed up a tree branch and then French-kissed it into your mouth.

32

People worry more about girls, for a good reason: I don't think my parents thought I was going to be raped by a classmate or attacked when I was walking alone in some neighborhood. So it's not just paranoid parents.

30

Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.

25

Miracles are like pimples, because once you start looking for them you find more than you ever dreamed you'd see.

19

Accidents happen all the time.

18

About Daniel Handler

Quotes 536 sayings
Profession Author
Birthday February 28, 1970

They say love's like a bus, and if you wait long enough another one will come along, but not in this place where the buses are slow and most of the cute ones are gay.

17

I will love you as the iceberg loves the ship, and the passengers love the lifeboat and the lifeboat loves the teeth of the sperm whale, and the sperm whale loves the flavor of naval uniforms.

15

Someone feeling wronged is like someone feeling thirsty.

Don’t tell them they aren’t. Sit with them and have a drink.

14

Morning is an important time of day, because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you are going to have.

14

It was darker than a pitch-black panther, covered in tar, eating black licorice at the very bottom of the deepest part of the Black Sea.

14

If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting for the rest of our lives.

14

Oftentimes. when people are miserable, they will want to make other people miserable, too. But it never helps.

13

I stand entwined in fire on the inextinguishable bonfire of inconceivable love.

13

Here we are at the bottom, almost empty.

It's like confetti, these dried remnants you find in the street for a party no one invited you to. But they used to be, I can admit, part of something beautiful.

12

If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats.

12

Every last souvenir of the love we had, the prizes &

the debris of this relationship, like the glitter in the gutter when the parade has passed, all the everything & whatnot kicked to the curb.

10

Assumptions are dangerous things to make, and like all dangerous things to make - bombs, for instance, or strawberry shortcake - if you make even the tiniest mistake you can find yourself in terrible trouble.

10

the table of elements does not contain one of the most powerful elements that make up our world, and that is the element of surprise.

10

They looked at each other like a pair of parentheses.

9

One can remain alive long past the usual date of disintegration if one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things, and happy in small ways.

9

Goodness! Golly! Good God! Blessed Allah! Zeus and Hera! Mary and Joseph! Nathaniel Hawthorne! Don't touch her! Grab her! Move closer! Run away! Don't move! Kill the snake! Leave it alone! Give it some food! Don't let it bite her! Lure the snake away! Here, snakey! Here, snakey snakey!

9

Wishing, like sipping a glass of punch, or pulling aside a bearskin rug in order to access a hidden trapdoor in the floor, is merely a quiet way to spend one's time before the candles are extinguished on one's birthday cake.

9

He looked like the sort of person who would tell you that he did not have an umbrella to lend you when he actually had several and simply wanted to see you get soaked.

8

Make sure you have your own mask on, before helping others with theirs.

8

There are two kinds of fears: rational and irrational- or in simpler terms, fears that make sense and fears that don't.

8

I’d ruin any day, all my days, for those long nights with you, and I did.

8

Never trust anyone who has not brought a book with them.

8

He who hesitates is lost

7

Sometimes the things you’ve lost can be found again in unexpected places.

7

When do you learn that the world, like any diner worth its salt, is open twenty-four hours a day?

7

My chauffer once told me that I would feel better in the morning, but when I woke up the two of us were still on a tiny island surrounded by man-eating crocodiles, and, as I'm sure you can understand, I didn't feel any better about it.

7

The key to good eavesdropping is not getting caught.

7

But I must admit I miss you terribly. The world is too quiet without you nearby.

6

I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies.

6

...everyone was right about you- prove them wrong.

6

It is always sad when someone leaves home, unless they are simply going around the corner and will return in a few minutes with ice-cream sandwiches.

6

Love can smack you like a seagull, and pour all over your feet like junk mail.

6

There are times to stay put, and what you want will come to you, and there are times to go out into the world and find such a thing for yourself.

6

It is useless for me to describe to you how terrible Violet, Klaus, and even Sunny felt in the time that followed. If you have ever lost someone very important to you, then you already know how it feels, and if you haven't, you cannot possibly imagine it.

6

There is nothing particularly wrong with salmon, of course, but like caramel candy, strawberry yogurt, or liquid carpet cleaner, if you eat too much of it you are not going to enjoy your meal.

6

There are two good reasons to put your napkin in your lap.

One is that food might spill in your lap, and it is better to stain the napkin than your clothing. The other is that it can serve as a perfect hiding place. Practically nobody is nosey enough to take the napkin off a lap to see what is hidden there.

6

Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean it isn't so.

6