88+ Kevin Hearne Quotes On Religion, Education And Navigation

Kevin Hearne is an American novelist who primarily writes fantasy and science fiction. He is best known for his Iron Druid Chronicles series, which follows the adventures of a 2,000-year-old Druid and his allies. Hearne also wrote the Seven Kennings series and The Tales of Pell, as well as several stand-alone novels. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Kevin Hearne on love, religion, leadership.

Top 10 Kevin Hearne Quotes

1. Monty Python is like catnip for nerds. Once you get them started quoting it, they are constitutionally incapable of feeling depressed.
2. They never predict anything fun," Granuaile answered. "Just once I'd like to hear a prophet tell someone, 'Thou shalt win a bitchin' Camaro on a game show.
3. He will spit you and roast you with rosemary, and we will all sample your flesh tonight. Tomorrow you will be shat out into the snow. Your diplomacy is bold and edgy, sir.
4. When in doubt, blame the dark elves.
5. Now go and stake some vamps. Especially the sparkly emo ones.
6. That’s what a skinwalker is: a mean asshole with a meaner spirit squatting inside.” "I’ve run into some of those at the dog park," Oberon said. "They’re usually attached to Chihuahuas.
7. Wisdom eludes me yet, but foolishness I captured long ago and to this day it is my constant companion, though many people consider me wise.
8. People used to say obvious things ironically or as a form of understatement, but in the last few decades they seem to say it with a sense of discovery, and it worries me.
9. I had privately changed 'This, too, shall pass' into 'You, too, shall die'.
10. Silly dark elves. Earth is for Druids.

Kevin Hearne Short Quotes

• Whoa. He had ghouls on speed dial. My lawyer kicks so much ass.
• The royal hound's belly demands rubbing. Step lively, humans, neglect me not." ~Oberon
• its difficult to dislike a man who takes pleasure in giving away free beer.
• Poison?" she (Granuaile)said,"I hope it isn't iocane powder.
• You are telling me that your lawyer is a bloodsucking vampire?
• Do Angels have assholes?" Atticus O'Sullivan - Hexed
• On a Creep Scale from Hello Kitty to Cthulhu, I award it a Freddy Krueger. Granuaile MacTiernan
• Gods can screw anything and anybody. For reference, see history. Atticus O'Sullivan
• Mr. Tall, Blonde and Lightning
• Winning ugly is still winning.

Kevin Hearne Famous Quotes And Sayings

Before he (Francis Bacon) came along, people conducted all their arguments through a series of logical fallacies or simply shouting louder than the other guy, or, if they did use facts, they only selected ones that reinforced their prejudices and advanced their ideas.” Oberon replies “don’t they still do that? — Kevin Hearne

Let me tell you, people go on and on about what a great idea electricity was, but I'm going to put toilet paper right next to the wheel and say those are the best ideas anyone's ever had. Scoff at it if you will, but try living for two millennia without it and then we'll talk. — Kevin Hearne

No worries, Atticus. I will snarf surreptitiously. And I should get bacon, because my adverb was two syllables longer than yours, plus a bonus for alliteration." I grinned. "It's a deal. You're the best hound ever. — Kevin Hearne

Awesome! I'd just bullied Jesus into doing a shot with me. Nobody would ever believe it, but I didn't care. We ordered the insanely expensive stuff, seventy-five dollars for a 1.75-ounce pour of premium Irish whiskey, because if you're doing a shot with Jesus, you don't buy him scotch. — Kevin Hearne

Oh. Oberon looked at me. I know that has to make you sad. But call to me instead, Atticus. I'll always answer. Your fly has been open all this time, by the way, and Granuaile hasn't said a thing. Thanks, buddy, I said silently as I tried to surreptitiously zip up my jeans. See? I got your back AND your front. I deserve a treat. — Kevin Hearne

There are some sights that, once seen, can never be unseen. They replay themselves on a loop in your mind’s home-theatre system with Dolby surround sound until you’re so desperate to be rid of them that you’ll resort to other loops simply to dislodge them for a while. — Kevin Hearne

That is a noble idea, though I think it far to generous," Jupiter said. "Once a decade should be sufficient." "I would rather be too generous than not in such cases." "As you wish." [One day, Atticus was amazed to discover that when Jupiter said, "As you wish," what he really meant was "I love you."] — Kevin Hearne

Wooo!’ he said, slamming his shot glass down and coughing a bit. ‘That’s good stuff.’ I agreed heartily. ‘Shall we do another one?’ I asked. ‘Oh no,’ Jesus said quietly, his eyes growing round. ‘This is one of those situations where I have to stop and ask myself, what would I do? — Kevin Hearne

Peace be with you," I said, and as I turned to resume my journey with Coyote, I added under my breath, "and asskicking be with me. — Kevin Hearne

I can't spend too much time in the forests because I invariably leave traces-ridiculously happy trees, basically, since I'm the last Druid in the world and they tend to geek out like Joss Whedon fans when I show up. — Kevin Hearne

Tell her I am Peace Dawg but I think her cats are closely allied with The Man. I'm going to stick it to them. — Kevin Hearne

But now that she was my apprentice, every such thought caused a guilty twitch in my neck, as if someone had dropped a sleek, stinky ferret there. Guilt ferrets are bastards. — Kevin Hearne

As any war veteran will tell you, there is a vast difference between preparing for battle and actually facing battle for the first time. — Kevin Hearne

She didn't go all fangirl on anyone, but I suspect that's only because none of them bore the slightest resemblance to Nathan Fillion. — Kevin Hearne

What do you know? She liked to be told she was scary. Kinky. — Kevin Hearne

My mouth gaped and I think I might have whimpered. The Norns had obliterated him completely—a creature they’d known for centuries—because of me. It was like watching Rudolph get shot by Santa Claus. — Kevin Hearne

... we banked around until we found a rainbow in the dark. It was on this occasion that I discovered that Granuaile had never heard of Ronnie James Dio. My shock at this news was such that I almost completely missed the fact that we were traveling on Bifrost, the rainbow bridge to Asgard. — Kevin Hearne

Oh, I know. They’re dwarfs pretending to be elves. No, they’re not dwarfs either. Okay, okay, they’re “little people,” I’m sorry! Can’t believe I have to be politically correct when you’re the only one who can hear me. — Kevin Hearne

Lie down and offer your throat. No, wait, that's how dogs submit. I know! Offer her you're wallet!" Oberon — Kevin Hearne

I tend to vacillate between belief systems. Right now I'm kind of checking out the whole buffet, you know, and maybe in a little while I'll decide on what I want to put on my plate and chow down on. — Kevin Hearne

No, she knows you're here. She can see through the camouflage. But I think she's hiding something from me, and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Never mind. Just listen. Once she drinks the tea, she will try ot surprise me with something. She is waiting for the contrast to be fully in effect before she says anything. I knew I never should have let you watch The Wizard of Oz. — Kevin Hearne

The point is, Mrs. MacDonagh, that the universe is exactly the size that your soul can encompass. Some people live in extremely small worlds, and some live in a world of infinite possibility. — Kevin Hearne

Bring it,muthafuckas.Bring it. — Kevin Hearne

Yer a good lad, Atticus, mowin’ me lawn and killin’ what Brits come around. — Kevin Hearne

Flidais clapped her hands in delight. "Oh, I bet he nearly shat kine!" That made me laugh - I hadn't heard that expression in a long, long time. I refrained from telling her that the modern expression would be "he had a cow", because I liked the original better. "Yes, the kine he nearly shat would have fed several clans. — Kevin Hearne

I didn't respond, because naked people never win arguments. — Kevin Hearne

Thank you, Morrigan. This is very helpful," I said, already feeling myself warming up. "And delivered to me entirely without pain." The Morrigan sucker-punched me hard in the face, sending me sprawling in the snow and breaking my nose. "You spoke too soon and with entirely too much sarcasm," she said. "We could have parted with a kiss. Remember that. — Kevin Hearne

The Morrigan’s ideas of sport and mine varied widely. As a Chooser of the Slain, she tends to enjoy nothing so much as a protracted war. She hangs out with Kali and the Valkyries and they have a death goddesses’ night out on the battlefield. — Kevin Hearne

Well o' course she's feelin' dandy! She's the mother o' God for the love o' Pete! — Kevin Hearne

Sweet Honey of Dagda, now I was babbling. — Kevin Hearne

Depression is a prison to which you have the key except you never think to look for it. — Kevin Hearne

I would never behave with so little dignity. Nor would I wish to be confronted in such a manner by anyone else. Vampires inspire screams, not squees. Involuntary urination is common, I grant, but it properly flows from a sense of terror, not an ecstatic sense of hero worship. — Kevin Hearne

I'm not a proper anything. Majoring in philosophy kind of turns positive assertions into maybes. — Kevin Hearne

Wow you need to get some sun.” “Shut up. I'm Irish. — Kevin Hearne

I had my own dump truck of bad karma waiting for me somewhere ahwad. I had certainly earned it, but I raced to avoid it if I could; there was no way I wanted to fell that. — Kevin Hearne

Am I not a fearsome enemy?" "You frighten me primally. — Kevin Hearne

You will respect my authori-tah!' Oberon said, in a passable imitation of Eric Cartman. I reminded him that I needed to concentrate. Sometimes dogs forget; they just get too excited. — Kevin Hearne

I yawned and stretched luxuriously in the morning. I make noises when I stretch because it feels ten times better than stretching silently. — Kevin Hearne

Yes and I appreciate it. But this is going to be difficult enough without running my words through a filter of illiteracy. — Kevin Hearne

You don't need to say any special incantation or sacrifice a stray cat or something first? — Kevin Hearne

Brighid’s eyes flashed with a blue flame, and I wondered if she had learned to do that just so she could compete with the Morrigan’s red flashes. Maybe I should try to figure out how to make my eyes flash green so I could freak out the baristas at Starbucks. “No, you foolish mortal,” I’d say as my eyes glowed, “I ordered a nonfat latte. — Kevin Hearne

Druid log July 15: Dark elves are not only quick and efficient killers, but creative and pyrotechnically inclined ones. — Kevin Hearne

Bullshit, as you Americans say. He's Irish. The Irish say bullshit too. — Kevin Hearne

She switched from ecstasy to embarrassment at about Mach five. — Kevin Hearne

Hey Atticus, do me a quick favour before we go? its easy. Sure. What is it? Hold Granuailes staff for just a minute. You know, rest it on the ground so that its like a walking stick or something and the top of it is near your right cheek. Granuaile and I traded weapons to humor him and I stood as instructed. Thats perfect! Now say this like Sir Ian McKellen I am Atticus the White, and I come back to you now at the turn of the tide. — Kevin Hearne

Granuaile:"So why don't cult leaders achieve godhood?" Atticus:" Because they're megalomaniacs drenched in douche juice. — Kevin Hearne

She's kind of like a Mary Poppins just before she turns to the dark side of the Force," Oberon said. He was still behind the counter, but he had a good lok at her as she exited. "Let go of your anger, Malina! There's still good in you! The Emperor hasn't driven it from you fully! — Kevin Hearne

As any war veteran will tell you, there is a vast difference between preparing for battle and actually facing battle for the first time. You can be told that reading Victor Hugo will sap your will to live, but you can't understand what it means until you've read a few chapters and your eyes are glazed over and someone has to revive you with a defibrillator. — Kevin Hearne

Turns out that once you kill a god, people want to talk to you. Paranormal insurance salesmen with special "godslayer" term life policies. Charlatan's with "godproof" armor and extraplanar safe houses for rent. But most notably, other gods. — Kevin Hearne

Icy glares from vampires are far icier than icy glares from people and when the vampire giving you an icy glare is originally from Iceland, you're confronted with the archetypal origin of the term, and you shouldn't be surprised if your core body temperature drops a few degrees. — Kevin Hearne

There are many perks to living for twenty-one centuries, and foremost among them is bearing witness to the rare birth of genius. It invariably goes like this: Someone shrugs off the weight of his cultural traditions, ignores the baleful stares of authority, and does something his countrymen think to be completely batshit insane. Of those, Galileo was my personal favorite. Van Gogh comes in second, but he really was batshit insane. — Kevin Hearne

Aw, no. You’re taking us to that vegetarian place, aren’t you? It’s a coffee place. You can’t just automatically classify anything that isn’t a steak house as vegetarian. Yes, I can. This is America. You said Americans assert their own opinions as if they were facts and dismiss inconvenient facts as mere opinions. — Kevin Hearne

They'll have to bring in Mulder an' Scully, because there ain't no CSI on the planet that'll ever be able to explain this. — Kevin Hearne

The tendency of modern American women to exclaim 'Hiiiiiiiiiiii!' in soprano octaves and hug each other upon sight can be disconcerting to those unfamiliar with it. — Kevin Hearne

There is always a price to pay for badassery. Neo was a badass in the Matrix and the Matrix Reloaded, but the price he had to pay was The Matrix Revolutions. — Kevin Hearne

That's right, there's free beer in Irish paradise. Everyone's jealous. — Kevin Hearne

Anyone who's ever tried to tangle with a teddy bear cholla knows there's a whole lot more bear than teddy to it. — Kevin Hearne

She thinks petting me is an honor. This is an unexpected position to take for a goddess of slaughter, but I applaud her defiance of convention. — Kevin Hearne

...Having no recourse, I feel back on Shakespeare. Leif would recognize it and understand the context properly. With my remaining few seconds of consciousness, I quoted Benedick from Much Ado About Nothing, who spoke these words to his former friend: "you are a Villain: I jest not." and then I collapsed into a pool of my own blood. — Kevin Hearne

Atticus "What's this religion going to be called?" Oberon "Poochism" A:"and the name of this holy writ I will be typing for you?" O:"The dead flea scrolls: A Sirius Prophecy. — Kevin Hearne

Malina looked incredulous. "Are you anything more than a Druid?" "Of course I am. I own this shop and I play a mean game of chess, and I've been told that I'm a frakkin' Cylon." "What's a frakkin' Cylon?" "I don't know, but it sounds really scary when you say it with a Polish Accent. — Kevin Hearne

Ye know what me Sean used to say, God rest his soul? He said, 'A friend will help ye move, Katie, but a really good friend will help ye move a body. — Kevin Hearne

Not everyone can be bribed with meat, Oberon." "They Can't? Oh! you mean they're vegetarian." "No, they eat meat. It just doesn't sway their decision making process." "Well that... that's just wrong, Atticus!Are they Monsters? It's like they have no moral center! — Kevin Hearne

When he said to give him the sword, I don’t think he meant for you to stick it in his guts. — Kevin Hearne

It’s best not to experiment on yourself. Bacon practically froze himself to death in one of his experiments and died of pneumonia.” {Right! Bacon must be heated. Knew that already, but thanks for the reminder.} — Kevin Hearne

If I waved that in front of a museum curator, he'd promptly lose control of his salivary glands. — Kevin Hearne

I hoped you would consider it seriously instead of laughing at it.' 'Mr. Chamkanni said much the same thing in bed the first night home from the hospital — Kevin Hearne

He was a god of rock. He nearly solved all the world's problems with nothing but power chords and anguished cries into a microphone. — Kevin Hearne

Life Lessons by Kevin Hearne

1. Kevin Hearne's work teaches readers to embrace their uniqueness and to strive to make a positive impact on the world.
2. His stories demonstrate the power of friendship and loyalty, and the importance of standing up for what is right.
3. Through his characters, Hearne encourages us to be brave and to never give up on our dreams, no matter how difficult the journey may be.