Ray Romano Quotes

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

If I have sex, I know my quarterly estimated taxes must be due.

And if it's oral sex, I know it's time to renew my driver's license.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

I had a very Italian house - the "plastic furniture you couldn't sit on" house.

Did anybody have the museum house? For a kid it's traumatic. Towels you can never touch. China no one's ever gonna use. Everything is for a special occasion that never happens. My mother was waiting for the Pope to show up for dinner. Or Sinatra. Or Chachi.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

Flappers sounds like where waitresses go after they're too old to work at Hooters.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

When you go to standup, there seems to be a common denominator of some form of need or want for validation from the audience that maybe you were lacking as a kid.

Right after 'Raymond' I had a world-is-my-oyster attitude, but I found out I don't like oysters. I had this existential emptiness.'What is my purpose? Who am I?' I had a big identity crisis.

I wasn't really that informed about the two-year-old.

Oh, I'd read about them, and occasionally I'd see documentaries on the Discovery Channel showing two-year-olds in the wild, where they belong.

I don't know if you want to see the Everybody Loves Raymond guy in a nude scene.

My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child.

Why can't I love him (a 2 yr old nephew) from afar? That's how I want to love him - through pictures and folklore.

I would get my student loans, get money, register and never really go.

It was a system I thought would somehow pan out.

In school, I wasn't a very good student - I was very irresponsible and never did the studying but always liked to get the laugh.

That's the one thing I have over any twenty-one-year-old: a proud history of accumulated neuroses. That's the game in which I'm da man.

It seems to be a common denominator with a lot of comics, this low self-esteem thing.

My career has been my craziest adventure.

You don't want to shock them and do something totally opposite, but you also want to play a different character.

I have the show because I'm insecure.

It's my insecurity that makes me want to be a comic, that makes me need the audience.

It was very nerve-wracking for me. I had to be drunk and have a threesome. I'm not that guy. Bobby Cannavale is that guy. But it was Vegas and things got crazy, and it happened. We go to Vegas to try to sign Elvis Presley and things get crazy. My character [in Vinyl] is stoned.

If I'm really considering doing film from now on then that is the smart thing to do, or you can go either way. You can just do the same character over and over again and make a different comedy like over and over again.

Whenever I get down about life going by too quickly, what helps me is a little mantra that I repeat to myself: at least I'm not a fruit fly.

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

I feel like this is a dream - and I apologize for how I dressed some of you.

You might think that's an exaggeration but believe me, if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.

I don't want to be a spokesman for family values, but that's the way my standup is perceived.

If you are someone, you know, with fame, whatever amount, it's good to be married to someone who's not impressed with that at all.

I had to be naked [in Vinyl], but I was almost more nervous about having to be drunk. The director wasn't going to yell, "Too big!," during the nude scene. For the drunk scene, you can be bad drunk or good drunk. We'll see. My wife was not happy, hearing about it.

You know, before I would think, my cab driver hates me. Now I think my limo driver hates me.

The best comedy, I feel, comes in a drama because it balances each other out.

I just don't want to play the same guy again over and over.

I am like Hugh Hefner minus anything good about his life.

I love standup and I haven't given it up.

My daughter's tricycle said "Some Assembly Required." It came in a jar.

I did 15 shows a week when I lived in New York.

I did five shows on a Friday and seven shows on a Saturday. It was everything I did and it was my sole source of income.

I've had people say to me, 'Look at the sky, the fields, the ocean, the beautiful sunset. Isn't that proof positive of God?' Following that line of thought, look at the magnificent rainbows after a big rainstorm. Isn't that proof positive that God is gay?

If a guy's ever telling you a four-hour sex story with a straight face, just feel sorry for him. Not for lying to you, but for lying to himself. As a matter of fact, stop him right in the middle of the story and just hug him. Nine times out of ten he'll just break down and cry. He knows you know.

Sex after one child shows down. After twins... ooh... I'll tell you what it is for us. I'll share it with you. Every three months. We don't plan it that way. That's just how it works out. It's the weirdest thing. You know what I do? Every time I have sex, the next day I pay my estimated tax. My quarterlies are due. If it's oral sex, I renew my driver's license.

I was at home waiting for projects. I was on Parenthood and there was one season left, and I was thinking, "What's next?" I'm at this age where I'm trying to write my own script, and they sent this over and I decided to put myself on tape.

It's starting to feel good, although I don't like feeling too good - that's not where my comedy comes from.

I'm always giving myself the Alzheimer's test.

My shrink told me to do this. It takes one minute. You name every word that comes to mind that begins with the letter F.

Parents, just keep in mind that kids will always round off to the nearest obscenity.

I do know its important to keep the romantic spark alive in your marriage.

But with four kids, sometimes it's enough just to keep yourself alive.

I love hitting into the rough because it gets me close to the people.

The comics that are just conversing with you up there and drawing on their own life, yeah, I guess so. I guess some do political humor, some do topical humor, but the ones that I like, the ones that are appealing to me, were guys who were just talking to you about their life.

The first time I played golf was in Flushing Meadows, Queens, when I was about 16 or 17. They had an 18-hole pitch-and-putt. My buddies and I would hop the fence and sneak on and play.