It's a funny thing, the more I practice the luckier I get. — Arnold Palmer
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else. — Ann Landers
Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others rob you with a fountain pen. — Woody Guthrie
Love is just a word, but you bring it definition. — Eminem
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. — Steven Wright
A recipe has no soul. You, as the cook, must bring soul to the recipe. — Thomas Keller
A girl should have two things: a smile, and a guy who inspires it. — Drake
I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole." — Robin Williams
Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee? — Albert Camus
If you can design one thing, you can design everything. — Massimo Vignelli
To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.
Funny Drinking Quotes
Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep; whoever sleeps long, does not sin; whoever does not sin, enters Heaven! Thus, let us drink beer! — Martin Luther
The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it. — Lewis Grizzard
When I sell liquor, it's bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it's hospitality. — Al Capone
Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different.
There is no such thing as bad whiskey. Some whiskeys just happen to be better than others. But a man shouldn't fool with booze until he's fifty; then he's a damn fool if he doesn't. — William Faulkner
What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself. — Anton Chekhov
Give my people plenty of beer, good beer, and cheap beer, and you will have no revolution among them. — Queen Victoria
Without my morning coffee I'm just like a dried up piece of roast goat. — Johann Sebastian Bach
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. — Wilhelm II
We should look for someone to eat and drink with before looking for something to eat and drink. — Epicurus
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory. — Albert Einstein
Cute Funny Quotes
Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary. — Oscar Wilde
A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words. — Donna Roberts
Life is funny. Things change, people change, but you will always be you, so stay true to yourself and never sacrifice who you are for anyone. — Zayn Malik
I tried to be normal once. Worst to minutes of my life.
My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby. — Anthony Jeselnik
I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win." — Mitch Hedberg
A Brother may not be a Friend, but a Friend will always be a Brother. — Benjamin Franklin
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Careful grooming may take twenty years off a woman's age, but you can't fool a flight of stairs. — Marlene Dietrich
Happiness is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth. — Jon Foreman
There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature. — Jane Austen
God Funny Quotes
Let me remind you that this is God's universe, and He is doing things His way. You may think you have a better way, but you don't have a universe to rule. — J. Vernon McGee
God created war so that Americans would learn geography. — Mark Twain
Show me who your friends are, and I will tell you what you are. — Unknown Author
Trust me, You can dance.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. — Emo Philips
God created sex. Priests created marriage. — Voltaire
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
If you believe in Odin and Thor, people laugh themselves to death. While it's okay to believe in a man who turned water into wine, and walked on water — Mads Mikkelsen
Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money. — Robin Williams
A person isn't considered insane if there are a number of people who believe the same way. Insanity isn't supposed to be a communicable disease. If one other person starts to believe him, or maybe two or three, then it's a religion. — Robert M. Pirsig
There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'! — Fulton J. Sheen
Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different. — C. S. Lewis
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician. — Dorothy Parker
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don't care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven't been thinking of us at all. — Ann Landers
He who is of a calm and happy nature, will hardly feel the pressure of age — Plato
Too many people, when they get old, think that they have to live by the calendar. — John Glenn
From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.
Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed. — Arthur Schopenhauer
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. — Phyllis Diller
Middle-age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. — Ogden Nash
I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent's youth and inexperience. — Ronald Reagan
Funny Jokes Quotes
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes! — Billy Connolly
Being broke is a joke, I never found it funny / That's why I count my blessings / As much as I count my money... — Fabolous
If any of you cry at my funeral I'll never speak to you again. — Stan Laurel
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure can rent it for awhile.
I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards. — Mitch Hedberg
The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him. — Oscar Wilde
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender. — Daniel Tosh
Let's be pretty kind. Pretty funny. Pretty smart. Pretty strong
I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying. — Sayings
They're just jokes, people. They can't all be funny. — Theo Von
There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure. — Jack E. Leonard
Politics Funny Quotes
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government. — Edward Abbey
A businessman cannot force you to buy his product; if he makes a mistake, he suffers the consequences; if he fails, he takes the loss. If bureaucrat makes a mistake, you suffer the consequences; if he fails, he passes the loss on to you. — Ayn Rand
You can change your wife, your politics, your religion, but never, never can you change your favourite football team. — Eric Cantona
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason. — Mark Twain
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem. — George Carlin
I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag. — Molly Ivins
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target — Ashleigh Brilliant
I think the Republican party should be placed in drydock and have the barnacles scraped off its bottom. — Tallulah Bankhead
A drug is not bad. A drug is a chemical compound. The problem comes in when people who take drugs treat them like a license to behave like an asshole. — Frank Zappa
As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution. — Andy Borowitz
Funny Sleep Quotes
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. — Will Rogers
Why don't you say "What?" if you like to sleep with your own sister. — The Undertaker
When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman. — Garry Shandling
I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them. — Jay McInerney
Sleep is like the unicorn - it is rumored to exist, but I doubt I will see any — Dr. Seuss
It's tough to get out of bed to do roadwork at 5 am when you've been sleeping in silk pajamas — Marvin Hagler
Drink, sir, is a great provoker of three things . . . nose-painting, sleep, and urine. Lechery, sir, it provokes, and unprovokes; it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance. — William Shakespeare
Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you. — Ray Romano
Every Morning You Have Two Choices: Continue To Sleep With Your Dreams, Or Wake Up and Chase Them. — Carmelo Anthony
Good Funny Quotes
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. — Dennis Wholey
I've lost a million and a half on the horses and dice in the last two years. And the funny part is, I still like 'em, and if someone handed me another million I'd put it right in the nose
of some horse that looked good to me. — Al Capone
A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world. — Lois Wyse
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest — Winston Churchill
Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place. — Billy Crystal
love the life you live. live the life you love. — Bob Marley
There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies. — Sayings
Be willing to be a beginner every single morning. — Meister Eckhart
Graphic design will save the world right after rock and roll does. — David Carson
The trouble is not in dying for a friend, but in finding a friend worth dying for. — Mark Twain
Real Funny Quotes
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that. — Lewis Grizzard
Dogs are animals that poop in public and you're supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you've got to ask yourself, "Who's the real master in this relationship?" — Anthony Griffin
If the physical thing you're doing is funny, you don't have to act funny while doing it...Just be real and it will be funnier — Gene Wilder
Auto racing, bull fighting, and mountain climbing are the only real sports... all the others are games. — Ernest Hemingway
I did. I did see Bigfoot when I was a kid and I still believe it to this day. I saw a big furry man outside my window. It's not funny! It was real. — Barry Watson
The antidote for fifty enemies is one friend. — Aristotle
Better to have loved and lost than to live with regret. — Big Pun
True friends are like diamonds – bright, beautiful, valuable, and always in style. — Nicole Richie
Buy real records in real shops, or I'll come round your house and scream at your mother. — Ian Gillan
Super Funny Quotes
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. — Steven Wright
People naturally want to retweet and engage on super funny videos and memes. — Jake Paul
There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal. — Dave Attell
Condoms should be marked in 3 sizes: jumbo, colossal and super colossal, so that men do not have to go in and ask for the small. — Barbara Seaman
I like someone who has a super gentle spirit and energy. I’m really gentle, and so I like a boy who will treat me that way. — Megan Fox
It's funny, but when there are dominant teams, there are a number of people who rail about the fact that they're always seeing the Dallas Cowboys or the San Francisco 49ers or the Green Bay either in the playoffs or in the Super Bowl. — Al Michaels
People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world. — Bill Watterson
I think it's always funny when somebody thinks you're going to do something super sexy and then you don't. — Olivia Munn
If you're OK with being clumsy, it's funny. But if you are super embarrassed, people are going to laugh at you. — Leo Howard
If the Super Bowl is really the ultimate game, why do they play it again next year? — Duane Thomas
Being Funny Quotes
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. — Groucho Marx
I'm gonna kick your teeth so far down your throat you'll be able to chew your own ass out for pissin' me off. — The Undertaker
A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself -- to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart — Leo Buscaglia
I consider myself a crayon... I may not be your favorite color but one day you'll need me to complete your picture. — Lauryn Hill
If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears. — Sigmund Freud
Life is a nacho. It can be yummy-crunchy or squishy-yucky. It just depends on how long it takes for you to start eating it. — John Updike
Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper. — Adelle Davis
The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor. — Wernher Von Braun
Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes. — William Gibson
Humor is laughing at what you haven't got when you ought to have it ... what you wish in your secret heart were not funny, but it is, and you must laugh. Humor is your own unconscious therapy. Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air, and you. — Langston Hughes
I'm not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells. — Richard Pryor
Speed has never killed anyone. Suddenly becoming stationary, that's what gets you. — Jeremy Clarkson
Symmetry is pleasing but not as sexy. Einstein is cool but Picasso knows what I'm talking about. — Amy Poehler
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. — Dr. Seuss
You cannot help but learn more as take the world into your hands. Take it up reverently, for it is and old piece of clay, with millions of thumbprints on it. — John Updike
Hemp is of first necessity to the wealth & protection of the country. — Thomas Jefferson
The very nature of cool is that you think about it too much and it becomes uncool. — Don Johnson
A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime. — Sam Ewing
It's always cool on the airplane when people are watching “SVU.” It’s funny. And it’s always the reruns. — Kelli Giddish
Extremely Funny Quotes
Men Wanted for Dangerous Expedition: Low Wages for Long Hours of Arduous Labour under Brutal Conditions; Months of Continual Darkness and Extreme Cold; Great Risk to Life and Limb from Disease, Accidents and Other Hazards; Small Chance of Fame in Case of Success. — Ernest Shackleton
Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide. — Bill Bailey
The standard four food groups are based on American agricultural lobbies. Why do we have a milk group? Because we have a National Dairy Council. Why do we have a meat group? Because we have an extremely powerful meat lobby. — Marion Nestle
Epcot Center also features pavilions built by various foreign nations, where you can experience an extremely realistic simulation of what life in these nations would be like if they consisted almost entirely of restaurants and souvenir stores. — Dave Barry
When I was a kid, I used to watch 'Laurel and Hardy' with my cousins all the time. I still think they're extremely funny and so surreal. — David Chase
I mean they [ Bradley Cooper, Zach Galifianakis] are both just really good guys and also they're both extremely funny in very unique ways. We made each other laugh an awful lot, and that goes a long way. And we also went through some hard times. I mean it was hard to make this movie [The Hangover]. — Ed Helms
Optimism isnt funny unless you are laughing at the person, whereas extreme pessimism is extremely funny. Its exaggeration. — Steve Toltz
From Kelsey, I have learned among many other things the value of turning on a dime and how you can have an extremely funny and extremely poignant moment with absolutely no separation in between... and sometimes in the same moment. — David Hyde Pierce
It's funny, though, because when I first started going to races after we met, I was extremely nervous. It's like being backstage and hoping you don't trip over something or break an amp or accidentally speak into a live microphone, so I was really hesitant. — Ashley Judd
The European drivers have adapted to this circuit extremely quickly, especially Paul Radisich who's a New Zealander. — Murray Walker
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here. — Mitch Hedberg
Make the mind run the body. Never let the body tell the mind what to do. The body will always give up. — George S. Patton
Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime. — Red Skelton
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already. — Milton Berle
I know I'm more on television, and I'm more recognizable than maybe even the players because they run and train, but I just stand there, and my face does all these funny things that everyone can see all the time. — Jurgen Klopp
Soccer is a game for 22 people that run around, play the ball, and one referee who makes a slew of mistakes, and in the end Germany always wins. — Gary Lineker
I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run. — Bill Engvall
I have two speeds. Fast and faster. I don't just run. I take it. — Arjen Robben
There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out. — Sam Kinison
Funniest Sports Quotes
Booze, broads and bullshit. If you got all that, what else do you need? — Harry Caray
I don't think there's anybody in this organization not focused on the 49ers...I mean Chargers. — Bill Belichick
They don't think it be like it is, but it do. — Oscar Gamble
Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye. — Bum Phillips
I thought lacrosse was what you find in la church. — Robin Williams
I quit school in the sixth grade because of pneumonia. Not because I had it, but because I couldn't spell it. — Rocky Graziano
This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother. — Ted Walsh
When you're rich, you don't write checks. Straight cash, homey. — Randy Moss
When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you're getting your ass hammered by guys, there's no better feeling than to have that done. — Matt Stairs
We must have had 99 per cent of the match. It was the other three per cent that cost us. — Ruud Gullit
I'd rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort. — J. Paul Getty
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? — Steven Wright
You shall know the truth, and it will make you odd. — Flannery O'Connor
Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop — Gertrude Stein
In Conclusion
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