I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.

— Bill Engvall

The most grateful Bill Engvall quotes that are guaranted to improve your brain

I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked. I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says Is it raining out I couldn't help my self when I replied Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here's your sign!


I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house.

My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.


One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a hanger halfway through the top of my window, a guy walks up and says, Lock yer keys in the car? Without missin' a beat I said, Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry. Here's your sign.


Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.


There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.


I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.


I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me you think he's been hunting? Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here's your sign!


I am out in public and using the phone.

I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I'm superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here's your sign!


I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl.

So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.


I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don't want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won't get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin' up as it does goin' down.


Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.


I've about decided if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay.

Hell, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.


About Bill Engvall

Quotes 71 sayings
Profession Comedian
Birthday July 27, 1957

It's like before my wife and I moved.

Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.


Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.

You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don't know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.


Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign.


In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.


Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".


As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"


I believe that anyone who wants to wear a thong should have to go through an application process.


I was sitting on a plane that is traveling towards Seattle.

And the guy next to me turns and says to me Hey, you going to Seattle?. Nope, San Francisco... I'll be parachuting off in about an hour. Here's your sign!


I know at least two people who have never been killed by hippos.


Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous.

Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.


I go "I just want a cup of black coffee.

" She goes "Do you want to try a biscotti? They're from Italy and they're considered a delicacy." Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I'm from, that's considered a mistake.


You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!


Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.


I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."


To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics.

Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.


I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it.

I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.


I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet.

It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well... like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!


I told my wife I'm afraid to go back to the doctor because I'm afraid they're going to look at you and say: 'ma'am, just sell him for parts. It's like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.


When the bus driver gets off the bus, who shuts the door?


The human brain doesn't come with an instruction manual.


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.

A sign comes up that reads, Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, Got stuck, huh? The truck driver says, No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.


If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.


I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride.

From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don't wanna climb on that.


My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.


No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.


I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.


When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.


I was born in Galveston, Texas in 1957 in the middle of a hurricane.

I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn't aware of my destiny.


And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim in it. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!


So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.


God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man.

I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths. I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: "When you gonna wear these for me?" She goes, "I can't. They're your daughter's." "Aaaaaaahhhhhh! No, No, No!" There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.


If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!


I believe pain is nature's way of saying, 'You're still alive, and life sucks.'


My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says It looks and tastes like real bacon! No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like!


You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".


I'd love to be a woman for one day of my life... God... I would be drunk with power.


You can't climb a tile wall.