75+ Bill Bailey Quotes On Constitution, Strictly And Tour

Bill Bailey is a British comedian, musician and actor. He is best known for his live stand-up comedy shows, in which he often plays musical instruments and performs surreal comedy sketches. He is also known for his appearances on various British television shows, such as Black Books, Never Mind the Buzzcocks and QI. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Bill Bailey on leadership, life, love.

Top 10 Bill Bailey Quotes

1. In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we're united and enjoy life - Without unity we are victims. Stay united.
2. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
3. Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.
4. Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
5. Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
6. Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
7. I'm English and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.
8. The day after tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life - that way you've always got a couple of days in hand.
9. Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
10. I got ham but I'm not a Hamster

Bill Bailey Short Quotes

• There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
• It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.
• Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
• Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
• How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!
• I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
• I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.
• I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!
• Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently.
• Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.

Bill Bailey Quotes About Life

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life. — Bill Bailey

If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that's undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive. — Bill Bailey

Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?" — Bill Bailey

Bill Bailey Famous Quotes And Sayings

That ideology was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs: The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the segregation and humiliation of women from the world of golf. — Bill Bailey

I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair. — Bill Bailey

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone." — Bill Bailey

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative. — Bill Bailey

I tend to go through periods worrying, "Where am I going, I can't see a way out of this," and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself. — Bill Bailey

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship. — Bill Bailey

Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context. — Bill Bailey

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all. — Bill Bailey

My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn't just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure. — Bill Bailey

Marijuana? It's harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it — Bill Bailey

Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate. — Bill Bailey

I spent money on a decent bike, a bit of kit for paddle boarding and I like bird watching so I bought a decent pair of binoculars but as far as bottles of Cristal champagne and Gucci loafers? No, blingy and showy stuff isn't me. — Bill Bailey

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder. — Bill Bailey

Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit." — Bill Bailey

The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don't have these. — Bill Bailey

Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to. — Bill Bailey

I try to appreciate the simple things. I've just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning. — Bill Bailey

At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time. I got into a theatre company and started doing stand-up gigs for cash, so I lived hand-to-mouth, but there was always enough to pay the bills. — Bill Bailey

Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams. — Bill Bailey

American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it. — Bill Bailey

I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically. — Bill Bailey

People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.' — Bill Bailey

I am a confectionery-based existentialist. — Bill Bailey

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door. — Bill Bailey

I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened. — Bill Bailey

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!" — Bill Bailey

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department. — Bill Bailey

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours. — Bill Bailey

Thank God for Darwin, eh? — Bill Bailey

Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you're just doing the odd appearance, you don't know if it will carry on. — Bill Bailey

Contentment is knowing you're right — Bill Bailey

I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.' — Bill Bailey

Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit — Bill Bailey

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard. — Bill Bailey

I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?' — Bill Bailey

What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp. — Bill Bailey

Joke number 1, I have a bit of a problem with jokes, bit of a handicap for a comedian obviously, um, I tend to bail out of the joke, I lose commitment in it, I'll give you an example: Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability. — Bill Bailey

Three women walk into a pub and say, `Hooray, we've colonised a male-dominated joke format' — Bill Bailey

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers? — Bill Bailey

Nostalgia: How long's that been around? — Bill Bailey

I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they. — Bill Bailey

The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die. — Bill Bailey

I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people's doors and running away. God that was a good game. — Bill Bailey

I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro... to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it's a bit of a long shot. — Bill Bailey

Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying 'Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.' — Bill Bailey

So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all! — Bill Bailey

A feminist jumps out of a manhole - oh, and she didn't like that. — Bill Bailey

Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism. — Bill Bailey

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law." — Bill Bailey

Work hard, save and live within your means. — Bill Bailey

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet. — Bill Bailey

This shed does not contain me. — Bill Bailey

Life Lessons by Bill Bailey

1. Bill Bailey's work is a great example of how humour can be used to make difficult topics more accessible and entertaining.
2. He often uses satire to make his point, which can be an effective way to challenge the status quo and encourage people to think differently.
3. His comedy also shows the importance of being open-minded and tolerant of different opinions and beliefs.