In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we're united and enjoy life - Without unity we are victims. Stay united.— Bill Bailey
The most restlessness Bill Bailey quotes that are easy to memorize and remember
Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it.
Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
I'm English and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise.
The day after tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life - that way you've always got a couple of days in hand.
That ideology was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs: The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer Rouge, the religious persecution of the Nazis, the enforced beard-wearing from the world of folk music, and the segregation and humiliation of women from the world of golf.
Relaxed Empiricism -- I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment.
That's why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
I got ham but I'm not a Hamster
This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."
Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.
I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.
There's more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
I tend to go through periods worrying, "Where am I going, I can't see a way out of this," and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.
Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.
Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all.
It's not a beard, it's an animal I've trained to sit very still.
Marijuana? It's harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
Live comedy's a very reckless, foolhardy profession.
You're only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn't just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.
I spent money on a decent bike, a bit of kit for paddle boarding and I like bird watching so I bought a decent pair of binoculars but as far as bottles of Cristal champagne and Gucci loafers? No, blingy and showy stuff isn't me.
The scotch egg is such a Scottish food.
It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.
Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit."
It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
The way we live in the West we live like kings.
People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don't have these.
Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.
If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that's undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.
How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!
I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
I try to appreciate the simple things.
I've just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning.
I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!
I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.
At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time. I got into a theatre company and started doing stand-up gigs for cash, so I lived hand-to-mouth, but there was always enough to pay the bills.
Not so great in England at the moment;
in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams.
American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
I'm sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
People say 'Bill, are you an optimist?' And I say, 'I hope so.'
I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun.
Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"
I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.