People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. — A. A. Milne
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government. — Edward Abbey
I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed! — William Shakespeare
Penicillin cures, but wine makes people happy. — Alexander Fleming
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem. — George Carlin
God created sex. Priests created marriage. — Voltaire
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. — Oscar Wilde
The naked truth is always better than the best-dressed lie. — Ann Landers
Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish — Chevy Chase
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. — Earl Wilson
Witty Image Quotes
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else. — Ann Landers
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. — Groucho Marx
I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak. — Woody Allen
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe. — H. G. Wells
Desire is in men a hunger, in women only an appetite. — Mignon McLaughlin
A man who does not think for himself does not think at all. — Oscar Wilde
Sex and religion are closer to each other than either might prefer. — Thomas More
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? — Mae West
Never let the truth get in the way of a good story. — Mark Twain
Sarcastic Witty Quotes
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? — George Carlin
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff? — George Carlin
I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity. — George Carlin
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? — George Carlin
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one way; wisdom is looking in both directions anyway. — Albert Einstein
Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. — George Carlin
Political correctness is tyranny with manners. — Charlton Heston
This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever. — Sigmund Freud
Birthday Witty Quotes
Only a few things are really important. — Marie Dressler
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other. — Johnny Carson
Some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age. — C. E. M. Joad
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. — Herbert V. Prochnow
They tell you that you'll lose your mind when you grow older. What they don't tell you is that you won't miss it very much. — Malcolm Cowley
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do. — Phyllis Diller
Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning. — Bob Hope
You will recognize, my boy, the first sign of old age: it is when you go out into the streets of London and realize for the first time how young the policemen look. — Seymour Hicks
Youth had been a habit of hers for so long that she could not part with it. — Rudyard Kipling
Witty Sayings Quotes
It is easier to be a lover than a husband for the simple reason that it is more difficult to be witty every day than to say pretty things from time to time. — Honore de Balzac
My contributions were many: First clown director, with witty sayings and flashily dressed, now called master of ceremonies. — Jelly Roll Morton
I don't at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited. — Oscar Wilde
I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored. — Louis C. K.
That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them. — Dorothy Parker
All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought — Robert Breault
My music is basically all about witty punchlines and lyric progression that is aimed to make you laugh or say "Woah." — Mike Stud
Given a choice between hearing my daughter say "I'm pregnant" or "I used a condom", most mothers would get up in the middle of the night and buy them herself. — Joycelyn Elders
I always love it whenever Rose delivers one of her witty one-liners—particularly when it’s a completely serious situation. The contrast always amuses me, but then, I’m biased. — Richelle Mead
Witty Marriage Quotes
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. — Groucho Marx
Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be, let me tell you. Honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce. — Larry Gelbart
A witty vicar once said that a good marriage is like a pair of scissors with the couple inseparable joined, often moving in opposite directions, yet always destroying anyone who comes between them. The trick is for the blades to learn to work smoothly together, so as not to cut each other. — Mary Jo Putney
My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce. — Joyce Brothers
Nice people don't necessarily fall in love with nice people. — Jonathan Franzen
All tragedies are finished by a death, All comedies are ended by a marriage. — Lord Byron
The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one. — Rita Rudner
I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long. — Paula Poundstone
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up — Paul Keating
The present generation, wearied by its chimerical efforts, relapses into complete indolence. Its condition is that of a man who has only fallen asleep towards morning: first of all come great dreams, then a feeling of laziness, and finally a witty or clever excuse for remaining in bed. — Soren Kierkegaard
Nixon's motto was, if two wrongs don't make a right, try three. — Norman Cousins
Now it's virtually impossible to write a game that successfully provides challenge and frustration, and that's a shame. We are going to lose something that makes scientists, that makes doers, that makes hard-minded, witty, clever people, and I worry that those people aren't being made these days. — Patrick Rothfuss
Clever, witty and absorbing, Amortality is a much-needed anatomy of our profound malaise about ageing. Its charms will never fade. — David Baddiel
A father may have a child who is ugly and lacking in all the graces, and the love he feels for him puts a blindfold over his eyes so that he does not see his defects but considers them signs of charm and intelligence and recounts them to his friends as if they were clever and witty. — Miguel de Cervantes
Pickup lines never work...I think someone clever, witty and funny is very attractive. — Kate Upton
The art of conversation consists far less in displaying much wit oneself than in helping others to be witty: the man who leaves your company pleased with himself and his own wit is very well pleased with you. — Jean De La Bruyere
Very Witty Quotes
The superfluous, a very necessary thing. — Voltaire
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions. — George Carlin
Jogging is very beneficial. It's good for your legs and your feet. It's also very good for the ground. If makes it feel needed. — Charles M. Schulz
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through. — Rodney Dangerfield
I was brought up by very witty people who were dealing with quite difficult things: disease and death... I was brought up by people who tended to giggle at funerals. — Emma Thompson
The voice of Thich Nhat Hanh-friendly, patient, steadfast, confident, contemporary, and often witty-seems, to me, an intermediary big brother talking directly to me on every page saying, 'Look! It's right there in you,' the very wisdom that leads to compassion. — Sylvia Boorstein
Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play. — William Congreve
There are three estates in Parliament but in the Reporters' Gallery yonder there sits a Fourth Estate more important far than they all. It is not a figure of speech or witty saying, it is a literal fact, very momentous to us in these times. — Edmund Burke
I don't think there's any harm at all in allowing a kid to fantasize. In fact, I think to stop people from fantasizing is a very destructive thing indeed. — J. K. Rowling
John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight. — Groucho Marx
Witticism Quotes
Between the action sequences, the pleasure lies in observing impeccably dressed Brits exchanging barbed witticisms - making it, basically, Downton Abbey with cyber crime and shower sex. — Karina Longworth
I have just now come from a party where I was its life and soul; witticisms streamed from my lips, everyone laughed and admired me, but I went away - yes, the dash should be as long as the radius of the earth's orbit ——————————— and wanted to shoot myself. — Soren Kierkegaard
Of all failures, to fail in a witticism is the worst, and the mishap is the more calamitous in a drawn-out and detailed one — Walter Savage Landor
A man often runs the risk of throwing away a witticism if he admits that it is his own. — Jean De La Bruyere
An epigram is a flashlight of a truth; a witticism, truth laughing at itself. — Minna Antrim
Genuine witticisms surprise those who say them as much as those who listen to them; they arise in us in spite of us, or, at least, without our participation,--like everything inspired. — Joseph Joubert
Witticisms please as long as we keep them within boundaries, but pushed to excess they cause offense. — Phaedrus
People who make puns are like wanton boys that put coppers on the railroad tracks. They amuse themselves and other children, but their little trick may upset a freight train of conversation for the sake of a battered witticism. — Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
As H.L. Mencken once said, 'nobody ever when broke underestimating the intelligence of the American people.' Our show [All in the Family] countered that witticism. I think he was wrong. — Norman Lear
He who cannot shine by thought, seeks to bring himself into notice by a witticism. — Voltaire
Wit And Humor Quotes
My dad is a very quick-witted, sarcastic, dry, humorous guy, whereas my mom's very silly, and that side of the family is very musical. — Tim Heidecker
Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit. — Aristotle
The first ingredient in conversation is truth, the next good sense, the third good humor, and the fourth wit. — Sir William Temple
I believe disagreement is an art. It requires care. It requires skills, it requires compassion and respect. When there’s underlying respect you get to play, there’s humor, there’s wit. Ultimately you arrive at something profound as a result. — Lex Fridman
My coping mechanism with my dyslexia is to use wit and humor. — Max Brooks
In conversation, humor is worth more than wit and easiness more than knowledge. — George Herbert
Humor does not include sarcasm, invalid irony, sardonicism, innuendo, or any other form of cruelty. When these things are raised to a high point they can become wit, but unlike the French and the English, we have not been much good at wit since the days of Benjamin Franklin. — James Thurber
Universities incline wits to sophistry and affectation. — Jacques Barzun
Most writers are not quick-witted when they talk. Novelists, in particular, drag themselves around in society like gut-shot bears. — Kurt Vonnegut
That which we call wit consists much in quickness and tricks, and is so full of lightness that it seldom goes with judgment and solidity; but when they do meet, it is commonly in an honest man. — King James I
No one could have called Mr. Standen quick-witted, but the possession of three sisters had considerably sharpened his instinct of self-preservation. — Georgette Heyer
I like men with quick wit, good conversation and a great sense of humour. I love banter. I want a man to like me for me - I want him to be authentic. — Emma Watson
Those who have a natural talent for calculation are generally quick-witted at every other kind of knowledge; and even the dull, if they have had an arithmetical training, although they may derive no other advantage from it, always become much quicker than they would have been. — Plato
It is no great advantage to possess a quick wit, if it is not correct; the perfection is not speed but uniformity. — Luc De Clapiers
All that is worth seeing in good boxing can best be witnessed in a contest with soft gloves. Every value is called out: quickness, force, precision, foresight, readiness, pluck, and endurance. With these, the rowdy and 'rough' are not satisfied. — John Boyle O'Reilly
What quick wit is found in sudden straits! — Martial
I have no great quickness of apprehension or wit which is so remarkable in some clever men, for instance Huxley — Charles Darwin
Comedy mocks the vanity of visions of rational control. The person who can joke amidst a confrontation with evil, like the quick-witted Spider-Man, must be reconciled to the permanent imperfections of a corrupted world populated by fallen creatures. — Peter Leithart
Wit And Wisdom Quotes
There is no such thing as an acceptable level of unemployment, because hunger is not acceptable, poverty is not acceptable, poor health is not acceptable, and a ruined life is not acceptable. — Hubert H. Humphrey
A warrior considers himself already dead, so there is nothing to lose. The worst has already happened to him, therefore he's clear and calm; judging him by his acts or by his words, one would never suspect that he has witnessed everything. — Carlos Castaneda
Anonymity is an abused privilege, abused most by people who mistake vitriol for wisdom and cynicism for wit. — Danny Wallace
When we say, 'One nation under God, with liberty and justice for all', we are talking about all people. We either ought to believe it or quit saying it . — Hubert H. Humphrey
For the May Day is the great day,
Sung along the old straight track.
And those who ancient lines did ley
Will heed this song that calls them back...
Pass the cup, and pass the Lady,
And pass the plate to all who hunger,
Pass the wit of ancient wisdom,
Pass the cup of crimson wonder. — Jethro Tull
Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel. — Yogi Berra
I have read my books by many lights, hoarding their beauty, their wit or wisdom against the dark days when I would have no book, nor a place to read. I have known hunger of the belly kind many times over, but I have known a worse hunger: the need to know and to learn. — Louis L'Amour
The old grooves must be erased in your brain, without forming new ones. You must realize yourself as the immovable, behind and beyond the movable, the silent witness of all that happens. — Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj
We cannot use a double standard for measuring our own and other people's policies. Our demands for democratic practices in other lands will be no more effective than the guarantees of those practiced in our own country. — Hubert H. Humphrey
There is a great deal of difference between living and surviving. You can survive in debauchery, even in sickness and despair. But you live with a spirit of vitality and a spirit of participation, of being wanted, and having something to contribute. — Hubert H. Humphrey
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes! — Billy Connolly
Don't be a hard rock when you really are a gem! — Lauryn Hill
People who live in an age of corruption are witty and slanderous; they know that there are other kinds of murder than by dagger or assault; they also know that whatever is well said is believed. — Friedrich Nietzsche
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that. — George Carlin
I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them. — Jay McInerney
My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there. — Carrie Fisher
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? — George Carlin
For women, the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time. — Isabel Allende
C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do it blows your whole leg off. — Bjarne Stroustrup
[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot. — Groucho Marx
When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor. — Rich Hall
Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part. — Aimee Mullins
Mankind will never see an end of trouble until lovers of wisdom come to hold political power, or the holders of power become lovers of wisdom — Plato
No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties — Bob Hope
Is 'fat' really the worst thing a human being can be? Is 'fat' worse than 'vindictive', 'jealous', 'shallow', 'vain', 'boring' or 'cruel'? Not to me. — J. K. Rowling
Be pretty if you can, be witty if you must, but be gracious if it kills you. — Elsie De Wolfe
Big Data is like teenage sex: everyone talks about it, nobody really knows how to do it, everyone thinks everyone else is doing it, so everyone claims they are doing it. — Dan Ariely
In Conclusion
Which quotation resonated with you best? Did you enjoy our collection of witty quotes? Or may be you have a slogan about witty to suggest. Let us know using our contact form.
Citation
Feel free to cite and use any of the quotes in this collection of witty quotations. For popular citation styles(APA, Chicago, MLA), please use this citation page.
.jpg)
