Best quotes by the American Comedian Groucho Marx

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
  • fun

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
  • life

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
  • applying

Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
  • Poverty



I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
  • Face

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men--the other 999 follow women.
  • Leadership

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
  • Birth

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
  • Humor

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
  • People

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
  • Dogs

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.
  • Television

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
  • Time

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
  • funny

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
  • Divorce

There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.
  • Honesty

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
  • funny

Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy.
  • Sex

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
  • Age

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
  • Military

Humor is reason gone mad.
  • humor

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
  • believe

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
  • funny

I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.
  • Food

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
  • Marriage

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
  • behind

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
  • elephant

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
  • Age

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.
  • Authors

I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty.
  • Poverty

No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.
  • Time


Pictures quotes by Groucho Marx

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Groucho Marx Quotes About

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Groucho Marx humor quotes

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If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
  • Humor

Humor is reason gone mad.
  • humor

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
  • humor

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
  • humor

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.
  • books

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
  • animals

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
  • clique

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.
  • art

Room service? Send up a larger room. [A Night at the Opera]
  • hotel

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Groucho Marx time quotes

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Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.
  • Time

No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.
  • Time

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
  • time

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
  • book

I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.
  • turns

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
  • first

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
  • boss

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Groucho Marx marriage quotes

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Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
  • Marriage

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
  • Marriage

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
  • marriage

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
  • Marriage

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
  • marriage

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Groucho Marx funny quotes

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A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
  • funny

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.
  • funny

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
  • funny

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
  • funny

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Groucho Marx read quotes

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From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
  • Reading

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
  • book

I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.
  • turns

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
  • book

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
  • minutes

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
  • best

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More quotes by Groucho Marx

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I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
  • evening

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
  • time

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.
  • relationship

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
  • animal



Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
  • humor

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of ones fellow man.
  • Envy

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
  • Marriage

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
  • medical

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
  • others

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
  • feels

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
  • humor

Women should be obscene and not heard.
  • obscene

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
  • marriage

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.
  • books

My mother loved children--she would have given anything if I had been one.
  • Children

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
  • Choice

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
  • Death

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
  • Politics

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
  • Reading

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
  • adverse

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, "Yes," you know he is a crook.
  • ask

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
  • book

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
  • beat

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
  • funny

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
  • beauty

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
  • accepts

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
  • case

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
  • days

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
  • evening

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
  • age

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
  • another

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
  • quote

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
  • care

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
  • belong

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
  • justice

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
  • animals

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
  • classic

I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.
  • turns

We dont like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out. Well, art is art, isnt it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.
  • Art

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.
  • Authors

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.
  • Cooking

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife.
  • Marriage

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.
  • Soul

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
  • book

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
  • applesauce

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.
  • marriage

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
  • anatomy

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
  • book

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.
  • hate

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
  • minutes

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
  • cigar

Room service? Send up a larger room.
  • larger

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.
  • first

Go, and never darken my towels again.
  • again

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.
  • anything

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
  • best

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
  • extreme

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
  • medical

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
  • child

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
  • horse

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.
  • boss

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
  • bouquets

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
  • agent

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
  • bet

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
  • closer

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
  • clique

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.
  • art

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
  • humour

Room service? Send up a larger room. [A Night at the Opera]
  • hotel

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
  • never

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
  • happiness

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
  • place


Comedian similar to Groucho Marx


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Josh Billings 112 quotes
Steven Wright 96 quotes
James Thurber 84 quotes
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Best Groucho Marx quotes

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Part 3
Groucho Marx's Quotes About ...
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Time
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Part 4
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