I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

— Groucho Marx

The most craziest Groucho Marx quotes that will activate your inner potential

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

344

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

192

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

155
Groucho Marx quote If you're not having fun, you're doing s

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

22

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

140

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

113

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

97
Groucho Marx quote I never forget a face, but in your case

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

22

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

91

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

90

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

89

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

87

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

86

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

86

About Groucho Marx

Quotes 333 sayings
Nationality American
Profession Comedian
Birthday October 2, 1890

I must say I find television very educational.

The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.

84

Room service? Send up a larger room.

81

There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.

74

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

72

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water.

And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

71

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

62

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.

61

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men--the other 999 follow women.

59

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

58

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

58

Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.

55

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

53

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

52

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

50

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

49

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

48

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out.

A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'

48

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.

44

Age is not a particularly interesting subject.

Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

43

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

40

If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.

39

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

37

I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

36

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

36

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

34

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you

34

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance.

There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

33

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

33

I could dance with you until the cows come home.

On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

33

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

33

If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham.

31

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

31

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

30

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

30

You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.

26

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

25

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

22
famous quotes