110+ Groucho Marx Quotes On Aging, Marriage And Death

Groucho Marx was an American comedian and film and television star. He was a master of quick wit and one of the best-known and most beloved comedy stars of the 20th century. He was known for his comic persona of a wise-cracking, cigar-smoking, mustached character. Following is our collection on famous quotes by Groucho Marx on aging, marriage, death.

Top 10 Groucho Marx Quotes

1. If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
2. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
3. A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
4. Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
5. If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.
6. I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
7. Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
8. [He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.
9. Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
10. Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Groucho Marx Image Quotes

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. — Groucho Marx

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong. — Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. — Groucho Marx

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. — Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. — Groucho Marx

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. — Groucho Marx

Room service? Send up a larger room. — Groucho Marx

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out. — Groucho Marx

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men--the other 999 follow women. — Groucho Marx

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. — Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. — Groucho Marx

Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first. — Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? — Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx Short Quotes

• Room service? Send up a larger room.
• While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
• Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.
• Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men--the other 999 follow women.
• Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
• She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
• Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first.
• I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
• A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
• I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Groucho Marx Quotes About Aging

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. — Groucho Marx

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. — Groucho Marx

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age. — Groucho Marx

I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old. — Groucho Marx

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire! — Groucho Marx

I must confess, I was born at a very early age. — Groucho Marx

Time wounds all heels. — Groucho Marx

Middle age is when you go to bed at night and hope you feel better in the morning. Old age is when you go to bed at night and hope you wake up in the morning. — Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx Quotes About Marriage

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. — Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? — Groucho Marx

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere. — Groucho Marx

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. — Groucho Marx

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. — Groucho Marx

One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. — Groucho Marx

Obviously there was no point in being a bachelor if his houseman was going to filch his booze. If he was going to get robbed, he might just as well get married. — Groucho Marx

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. — Groucho Marx

Making love to your wife is like shooting at sitting ducks. — Groucho Marx

I am a man and you are a woman. I can't think of a better arrangement. — Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx Quotes About Love

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun. — Groucho Marx

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while. — Groucho Marx

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo. — Groucho Marx

My mother loved children--she would have given anything if I had been one. — Groucho Marx

I love to read. My education is self-inflicted — Groucho Marx

John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight. — Groucho Marx

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. — Groucho Marx

Only if the computers really love each other. — Groucho Marx

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here! — Groucho Marx

Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week. — Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx Quotes About Life

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. — Groucho Marx

I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. — Groucho Marx

You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team. — Groucho Marx

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while — Groucho Marx

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. — Groucho Marx

Always examine the dice. — Groucho Marx

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. — Groucho Marx

Remember, the grass is always greener where you don't happen to be the neighbor. — Groucho Marx

Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life — Groucho Marx

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party. — Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx Quotes About Books

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. — Groucho Marx

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home. — Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. — Groucho Marx

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book. — Groucho Marx

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does. — Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it. — Groucho Marx

I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book. — Groucho Marx

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. — Groucho Marx

This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written. — Groucho Marx

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read. — Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx Quotes About Witty

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor. — Groucho Marx

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet! — Groucho Marx

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you. — Groucho Marx

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking. — Groucho Marx

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.) — Groucho Marx

Do you mind if I don't smoke? — Groucho Marx

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free! — Groucho Marx

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off! — Groucho Marx

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have! — Groucho Marx

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff. — Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx Quotes About Book

Anybody who doesn't like this book is healthy — Groucho Marx

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. — Groucho Marx

I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book. — Groucho Marx

I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books — Groucho Marx

Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar" Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change." Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books. — Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx Quotes About Humor

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.' — Groucho Marx

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast. — Groucho Marx

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again. — Groucho Marx

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower. — Groucho Marx

Humor is reason gone mad. — Groucho Marx

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you? — Groucho Marx

Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies. — Groucho Marx

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend. — Groucho Marx

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue) — Groucho Marx

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you. — Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx Quotes About Read

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30. — Groucho Marx

Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?" "Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers! — Groucho Marx

To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx. — Groucho Marx

Every time someone turns on a TV, I go in the other room and read. — Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx Quotes About Club

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. — Groucho Marx

Why would I want to join an organization that would encourage people like myself to become members. — Groucho Marx

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member. — Groucho Marx

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. — Groucho Marx

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. — Groucho Marx

I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member. — Groucho Marx

I'm not going to pay good money to join a club that lets in people like me. — Groucho Marx

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER. — Groucho Marx

I don't want to join the kind of a club that accepts people like me as members. — Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx Famous Quotes And Sayings

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. — Groucho Marx

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. — Groucho Marx

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong. — Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. — Groucho Marx

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light. — Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. — Groucho Marx

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. — Groucho Marx

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. ANOTHER VERSION I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book. — Groucho Marx

There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan. — Groucho Marx

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. — Groucho Marx

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out. — Groucho Marx

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men--the other 999 follow women. — Groucho Marx

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. — Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. — Groucho Marx

Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first. — Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? — Groucho Marx

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course. — Groucho Marx

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself. — Groucho Marx

If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any. — Groucho Marx

I intend to live forever, or die trying. — Groucho Marx

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. — Groucho Marx

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you — Groucho Marx

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it. — Groucho Marx

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house. — Groucho Marx

If we had some eggs we could have eggs and ham, if we had some ham. — Groucho Marx

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know. — Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. — Groucho Marx

Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. — Groucho Marx

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. — Groucho Marx

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. — Groucho Marx

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago...I shot my broker. — Groucho Marx

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers. — Groucho Marx

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week. — Groucho Marx

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. — Groucho Marx

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. — Groucho Marx

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy. — Groucho Marx

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. — Groucho Marx

What have future generations ever done for us? — Groucho Marx

If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does. — Groucho Marx

Africa is God's country, and He can have it. — Groucho Marx

I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there. — Groucho Marx

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them. — Groucho Marx

Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman — Groucho Marx

Sir, are you trying to offer me a bribe? How much — Groucho Marx

Given the choice between a woman and a cigar, I will always choose the cigar. — Groucho Marx

I know, I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night. — Groucho Marx

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. — Groucho Marx

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection. — Groucho Marx

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? — Groucho Marx

You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way — Groucho Marx

I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down — Groucho Marx

Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns — Groucho Marx

The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. — Groucho Marx

Before I speak, I have something important to say. — Groucho Marx

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape. — Groucho Marx

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face — Groucho Marx

Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going. — Groucho Marx

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you. — Groucho Marx

This would be a better place for children if parents had to eat spinach. — Groucho Marx

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me? — Groucho Marx

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. — Groucho Marx

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. — Groucho Marx

Firefly: Where is your husband? Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead. Firefly: I'll bet he's just using that as an excuse. Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end. Firefly: Hmmph. No wonder he passed away. Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him. Firefly: Oh I see. Then, it was murder. — Groucho Marx

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. — Groucho Marx

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it — Groucho Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. — Groucho Marx

No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early. — Groucho Marx

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar. — Groucho Marx

One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather! — Groucho Marx

Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy. — Groucho Marx

There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked. — Groucho Marx

There was no need to inform us of the protocol involved. We were from Chicago and knew all about cement. — Groucho Marx

Life Lessons by Groucho Marx

Groucho Marx taught us to never take life too seriously; to always look for the humour in life's situations; and to never be afraid to speak your mind. He also taught us to be open-minded and to challenge the status quo. Lastly, he taught us to never take ourselves too seriously and to always find joy in life's little moments.